HUMOUR FROM : -
DR. BR. P G VARGIS
1. A Russian explorer and a local Eskimo were hunting Polar Bears together in the arctic.
The Russian saw a Polar Bear and shouted to the Eskimo. The Eskimo shouted 'Run After Me' and started running back towards the base. The Russian was shocked at the cowardice of the Eskimo and turned round and shot the bear instead of running. The Eskimo heard the shot and went back and rebuked the Russian. 'You Russians don't know much about hunting Polar Bears'. Now you will have to drag the dead bear 20kms by yourself.
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2. Two men were in a restaurant and ordered fish. The waiter
brought a dish with two fish, one larger than the other. One
of the men said to the other, "Please help yourself."
The other one said "Okay," and helped himself to the larger fish.
After a tense silence, the first one said, "Really, now, if
you had offered me the first choice, I would have taken the
smaller fish!"
The other one replied, "What are you complaining for; you
have it, don't you?
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3. A fellow went to the doctor, who told him that he had a bad
illness and only a year to live. So the fellow decided to
talk to his pastor. After the man explained his situation,
he asked his pastor if there was anything he could do.
"What you should do is go out and buy a late 70's or early
80's model Dodge pickup," said the pastor. "Then go get
married to the meanest woman you can find, and buy
yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle of
Oklahoma."
The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?"
"No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do
have seem like forever."
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4 . Three boys were discussing the achievements of their fathers. Said one,
My father can write a newspaper story and get $ 25 for it.
" The second piped up with, " My father can write a piece of music
and get $100 for it.
The third of the group said, " My father can preach a sermon,
and it takes a dozen men to bring in the money."
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5. A beggar found Rs. 100. He decided to have a great dinner at a five star hotel.
He went to the hotel & enjoyed the dinner. When the bill came he said
'I have no money'The manager called the police &
handed over the beggar to them.
The beggar gave rs. 100 to the polceman & was set free.
Indian police sadev aam admi ke saath.
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6. ** What does a
Sardar do after taking a xerox? He will compare it with the
original for any spelling mistakes.
** Why can't sardars
dial Nine-Eleven (9/11) at emergency? They cannot find the eleven
on the phone.
** Sardar and his wife buy coffee in a shop.
Sardar: Drink quickly. Wife: Why? Sardar: Hot coffee Rs 5 and
cold coffee Rs 10.
** Sardar at an Art Gallery: I suppose
this horrible looking thing is what you call modern art?
Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, that is a mirror !
**Sardar visits Chinese friend dying in hospital. Man says "Chin
Yu Yan" and dies. Sardar goes to China to find meaning of
friend's Last Words. It is "You are standing on the oxygen
tube!"
** Sardarji was standing in front of the mirror with
his eyes closed. Wife: What you are doing? Sardar: I am seeing
how I look while sleeping.**
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7. Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about a pastor.
He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not come down.
The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten. He did all this, checking his progress in the car frequently, then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten.
But as he moved a little further forward....the rope broke. The tree went "boing!" and the kitten instantly sailed through the air-out of sight. The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to Your keeping," and went on about his business.
A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. Now this woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, "Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?"
She replied, "You won't believe this," and told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the mom finally told her little girl, "Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it." (You can see where this is going). She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws spread out, and landed right in front of her."
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8. After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
and I wanted to stay with you guys."
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9. Burial in Jerusalem
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem.
While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband,
"You can have her buried here in the Holy Land
for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5000.
The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have
her shipped back home. The undertaker asked him,
"Why would you spend $5000 to have her shipped home
when you could have a beautiful burial here,
and it would only cost $150?"
the husband replied, "Long ago, I heard that a man died here,
was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead.
I just can't take that chance!
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10. Carol's Gun
Rummaging through her attic one day,
my friend Carol found an old shotgun.
Unsure how to dispose of it, she called her parents.
"Take it to the police station," her mother suggested.
My friend was about to hang up when her mom added....
"And, Carol?"
"Yes, mom?"
"Call them first and let them know you're coming."
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11. A woman is walking along a beach when she finds an old oil lamp.
She picks it up and rubs it, and out comes a genie.
The genie says to the woman,
"Thank you for freeing me from the oil lamp.
I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for,
your horrible ex-husband will get twice as much.
What is your first wish?"
The woman says,
"I'd like a million dollars in my bank account, please!"
The genie says, "You now have a million dollars in your bank account,
and your ex-husband now has two million dollars.
What is your second wish?"
The woman says, "I've always wanted a nice car.
I'd like a brand new Rolls-Royce, please!"
The genie says, "You now have a new Rolls-Royce in your garage at home,
and your ex-husband now has two new Rolls-Royces.
What is your third wish?"
The woman thought for a while and then said,
"I'd like you to remove one of my kidneys, please!"
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12. A man dies and goes to hell.
There he finds that there is different hell for each country
and decides he'll pick the least painful to spend his eternity.
He goes to American hell and asks, "What do they do here?"
He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.
Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.
Then the American devil comes in and whips you for the rest of th...e day".
The man does not like the sound of that at all so he moves on.
He checks out the Australian hell as well as the Russian hell and many more.
He discovers that they are all similar to the American hell.
Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that
there is a long line of people waiting to get in.
Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?"
He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour,
then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.
The Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
But that is exactly the same as all the other hells
why are there so many people waiting to get in?" asked the man.
"Because there is never any electricity so the electric chair does not work.
The nails were paid for but never supplied,
so the bed is comfortable to sleep on.
And the Indian devil used to be a civil servant,
so he comes in,
signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business."
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13. Wife: Honey...... What are You Looking for?
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: Nothing...?? You have been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.
Husband: I was just looking 4 the expiry date.
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14. Saas ki Demand. (mother in law's demand)
Ladki
Khubsurat ho _ bride beautiful
Ameer ho - rich
Padhi likhi ho- educated
... Kam umar ho - young
Kam bolti ho - not speaking much
Ghar ke kam me mahir ho - expert in keeping the house and cooking
Ladki ki Demand - girl's demand
Saas photo frame me ho. (Mother in law in a photo frame.)
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15. *Sardar: I haven't slept all nite in the train. Friend:
Why? Sardar: Got upper berth. Friend: Why didn't u exchange?
Sardar: Oye! There was nobody to exchnge in the lower berth.
** Sardarji standing below a tube light with an open mouth.
Why? Because his doctor advised him: "Today's dinner should be
light!"
** A teacher told all students in a class to write
an essay on a cricket match. All were busy writing except one
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21. Joe was a single guy living at home with his father
and working in the family business
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sick father died,
he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment seminar
he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her beauty took his breath away
"I may look like just an ordinary man,
" he said to her, "but in just a few years,
my father will pass on,
and I'll inherit his large fortune."
Impressed, the woman took his business card and three months later,
she became Joe's stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men.
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22. During a visit to the retirement home, I asked the director,
"How do you determine whether or not a person should be institutionalized?"
"Well," said the Director, "We fill up a bathtub,
and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient
and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said.
"A normal person would use the bucket
because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
The Director responded "No, a normal person would pull the plug.
Would you like a room with a window?"
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23. Self Esteem
My mom strives to give her children a healthy sense
of self esteem. She didn't realize how well she'd
succeeded until one night after she'd tucked
in my sister, Jane.
Leaving the room she called, "I love you, Jane!"
and paused for the reply.
"I love me, too!" Jane sang out.
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24. Hen Thief
A minister in a little church had been having
trouble with the collections.
One Sunday he announced, "Now, before we pass
the collection plate, I would like to request
that the person who stole the chickens from
Farmer Condill's henhouse please refrain from
giving any money to the Lord. The Lord doesn't
want money from a thief!"
The collection plate was passed around, and for
the first time in months everybody gave.
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25. At the barbershop recently,
a father came in with his two sons,
about 10 and 12 years of age. He got both boys settled
into barber chairs and then proceeded to tell the barbers
how he wanted their hair cut.
The younger boy didn't pay much attention.
But the older boy turned to his barber and said,
"Make me look good for the girls,
not for my dad!"
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26. Kashmir
At the urging of his doctor, Mr. Singh moved from Rajasthan to Kashmir.
After settling in, he met a neighbor who was also an older man, a Singh.
"Say, is this really a healthy place?"
"It sure is," the man replied.
"When I first arrived here I couldn't say one word.
I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the
strength to walk across a room and I had to be lifted
out of bed."
"That's wonderful!" said Mr Singh. "How long have you been here?"
"I was born here."
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27. A woman, searching for a job, inquired about the benefits.
The Personnel Manager informed her they had group health
and life insurance, but the costs were deducted from the
employee's pay.
She said, "My last employer had full health coverage, as
well as five years salary for life insurance and a month's
sick leave AND they paid the full premiums."
"I can't help but asking madam why you would leave a job
with such benefits," the interviewer replied.
The woman shrugged her shoulders and said, "The company
went bankrupt."
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28. A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired
about the lawyer's rates.
"$250 for three questions," replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what is your third
question?"
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29. A social worker who had recently transferred from the big city to the mountains was touring her new territory. She came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen. Intrigued, she knocked on the door.
"Anybody home?"
A child's voice answered, "Yep."
"Is your father there?"
"Pa? Nope, he left before Ma came in."
"Well, is your mother there?"
"Nope, Ma left just before I got here."
"Are you never together as a family?"
"Sure, but not here. This is the outhouse!" (Toilet)
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30. Good Morning
Before I leave for work, I wake my children with
a hug and a kiss and wish them a good day.
One evening before bedtime, I told them I'd be
leaving 45 minutes earlier in the morning. My
son promptly gave me a hug and a kiss and said,
"Good morning, Mom."
At my quizzical look, he explained: "Now you
don't have to wake me before you go."
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31. My son, Scott, an insurance broker in Florida,
loves ocean fishing and takes his cell phone along on the boat.
One morning we were drifting about ten miles offshore
as Scott discussed business on the phone.
Suddenly his rod bent double, and the reel screamed as line poured off the spool.
Scott was master of the situation.
"Pardon me," he told his customer calmly.
"I have a call on another line."
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32. Memory
When the patient was wheeled into the delivery room,
she told me, "I remember you from the last time I gave birth."
I was thrilled, especially since it had been a few years.
"Do you really remember me?" I asked, milking it.
"Yes. You're the nurse who ate all my candy."
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33. Wedding Dress Fit?
When Annie was planning her upcoming wedding,
she asked to wear her mother's wedding dress.
She went to try it on and the gown was a
perfect fit on her petite frame.
As her mother's eyes welled up with tears,
Annie put an arm around her.
"You're not losing a daughter", she reminded
her mother in time-honored fashion,
"you're gaining a son."
"Oh forget about that!" said her mother
with a sob, "I used to fit into that dress!"
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34. 'CrrrrraaaaaccccK!'
When I woke up this morning,
I lifted my arms,
I moved my knees,
I turned my neck....
Everything made the same noise:
' CrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaccccK!'
..I came to a conclusion:
I'm not old, I'm crispy!!!
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35. A Sheikh was admitted at the Lilavati Hospital in
Mumbai for a heart transplant, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arises. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally. So the call went out to a number of countries.
Finally a malayalee named Dineshan,fromTrichur,
Kerala was located who had a similar type of
blood.
Dineshan willingly donated his blood for the Sheikh.
After the surgery, the Sheikh sent Dineshan, as appreciation for giving his blood, a new Toyota Prado, diamonds, lapiz lazuri jewellery, and a Million Dinars.
Once again the Sheikh had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned Dineshan who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Sheikh sent Dineshan a thank you card and a pack of Banana halwa sweets.
Dineshan was shocked to see that the Sheikh this time did not reciprocate Dineshan's kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Sheikh and said "This time also I thought that you would give me Toyota Prado, Diamonds and Jewellery... .
But you gave only a thank you card and a pack of Banana halwa.
At this the Sheikh replied:
" Mone Dineshaa... now I have a malayalee's blood in my veins!"
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36. I was sprawled on the living-room couch watching my
favorite show on the Food Network when my husband
walked in.
"Why do you watch those food shows?" he asked. "You
don't even cook."
Glaring back at him, I asked, "Then why do you watch
football?"
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37. NO REASON FOR OFFERTORY
As an usher passing the collection plate on Sunday,
I waited while a couple who had given their daughter
a dime struggled to get her to let go of it.
As they pried for it from her fingers, she angrily yelled,
“ I don’t see why I have to pay anything,
I didn’t want to come here anyway!”
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38. While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office,
a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room.
As she went to the receptionist's desk,
the man sat there, alone and silent.
Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him,
a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair.
Placing his hand on the man's, he said,
"I know how you feel.
My mom makes me ride in the stroller, too."
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39. You Should Be. . .
My daughter Dauna, had been teaching her Grade 3
and 4 students how pioneer families lived. They
studied pioneer clothes and manners, as well as
how they celebrated holidays. Dauna decided to
prepare a pioneer dinner for her classes, with
mothers helping to heat and serve the feast.
At the end of the meal, one boy raised his hand.
"Yes, Michael?" Dauna asked.
"Oh, Mrs. Meeks! This was the best dinner I've
ever had in my life! You shouldn't be a teacher;
you should be looking after our cafeteria!"
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40. A Drug Enforcement officer stops at a ranch in Texas and talks with an old rancher.
He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.
" The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there,
" as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying,
"Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.
" Reaching into his rear pants pocket,
he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher.
"See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... on any land.
No questions asked or answers given.
Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and
sees the DEA officer running for his life chased
by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer,
and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety.
The officer is clearly terrified.
The rancher throws down his tools,
runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
" Your badge. Show him your BADGE ! "
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41. RSS meet spews hate venom
November 17, 2011 by admin
The RSS Chief Mohan Bhagwat
Madhya Pradesh, November 16, 2011: RSS held its National level annual meeting in Indore 11-13th November in Indore Madhya Pradesh. About 11,000 participants took part. This is a small turn out considering the BJP government of MP was fully backing it. The RSS chief Mohan Bhagwat along with his team dressed in the British and best Khaki shorts and shirts were there and so were the participants who were mostly older people with very few of the younger generation. The younger people are out there wearing jeans and T shirts and studying in English schools and eating pasta and burgers.
Shivraj Singh Chouhan the Chief minister of MP along with other ministers represented the political wing. The main topic this time was the menace of Missionary activity, conversion and English education. The Muslims did not figure significantly in the main agenda this time.
RSS claims to have 1,57,000 Shakhas (cells) all over India which incidentally is probably much less than the number of exploding cell churches. So there is good reason for them to be concerned.
The Theme of the gathering was, "Waman Drishti" meaning Waman vision. Waman is actually means Brahman. Waman was the incarnation of Vishnu the favorite God of Brahmans, who incarnated to kill Baliraja a righteous king, somewhere in Konkan area and destroy the kingdom and install supremacy of Brahmans.
Malyalis celebrate this as Onam while Maharashtrians Brahmin women celebrate by killing a cow dung statue of Baliraja while shudra women celebrate waman dahan (death to Waman) saying alay balay jai, Bali ka raj aaye, meaning all rubbish to go and the kingdom of Baliraja must come back again.
Mahatma Jotiba Phule has fully exposed this Brahman conspiracy in his writings on Slavery. In fact he believed that missionaries are the resurrected Balraja who are bringing justice to the oppressed people. Some in fact believe that Jesus is the Baliraja, as the King who became a sacrifice.
Sadly many of the RSS delegates who are shudras (untouchables) do not know the history nor do they understand the implication of Waman Drishti which is to reimpose the Brahman hegemony. Christianity and English education of the lower castes presents a great threat to their designs. However it is good to note the the RSS is on the decline. This could also mean that they will become more aggressive if not violent. We need to pray and praise God.
- v.choudurie
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42. The man charged into the jewelry shop,
slammed his fists angrily on the showcase,
removed a wristwatch from his
pocket and shook it under the nose of the owner.
“You said this watch would last me a lifetime,” he yelled.
“Yeah,” admitted the owner.
“But you looked pretty sick the day you bought it.”
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43. While waiting in line at the bank,
a co-worker developed a very loud case of hiccups.
By the time he reached the teller's window,
the hiccups seemed to have worsened.
The teller took my friend's check and
proceeded to run a computer verification of his account.
After a minute she looked up from her terminal with a frown
and said that she would be unable to cash his check.
"Why not?" my friend asked incredulously.
"I'm sorry, sir," she replied, "but our computer indicates
that you do not have sufficient funds to cover this amount.
As a matter of fact," she continued,
"our records show your account overdrawn in excess of $5000."
"It can't be!" he cried. "You have to be kidding!"
"Yes, I am," she answered with a smile,
counting out his cash.
"But you will notice that your hiccups are gone."
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44. My puppy chewed the tongue on one of my new,
expensive running shoes.
I hoped to save my investment,
so I took them to a shoe repair shop.
I placed the shoes on the counter and told the man,
"My dog got hold of this."
The repairman picked up the shoe,
looked it over, and placed it back down on the counter.
"Well, what do you recommend?" I asked.
He looked at me and replied, "Give your dog the other shoe."
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45. A teacher sees a lad entering the classroom –
his hands were dirty.
She stopped him and said, “John,
please wash your hands.
My goodness, what would you say if I came
into the room with hands like that?”
Smiling the boy replied,
“I think I’d be too polite to mention it.”
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46. My friend's four boys were young and bursting with energy,
especially in church. But the sermon her minister preached
on "turning the other cheek" got their undivided attention.
The minister stressed that no matter what others do to us,
we should never try to "get even."
That afternoon the youngest boy came into the house crying.
Between sobs he told his mother he had kicked one of his brothers,
who had kicked him in return"I'm sorry you're hurt,
" his mother said. "But you shouldn't go around kicking people."
To which the tearful child replied,
"But the preacher said he isn't supposed to kick me back."
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47. Source For Accurate Weather To tell the weather,
go to your back door and look for the dog.
If the dog is at the door and he is wet,
it's probably raining.
But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet,
it is probably raining really hard.
If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way,
it's probably windy.
If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.
Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this,
you have to leave the dog outside all the time,
especially if you expect bad weather.
Sincerely, The CAT One day Husband Comes home from
"Family Seminar of pg vargis”
He greets his Wife & lifts her up,
Then carries her around the house with a big smile.
Wife is so surprised & she asks:
"Did PG Uncle preach something about being Romantic today?”
He said: "No....
PG Uncle taught that we must carry our burdens
& sorrows with a SMILE and joy."
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48. You can change this to cricket to Indianize it.
Run A small social club was trying to organize a baseball team.
They could only muster eight players,
but finally found a ninth to play.
In desperation, they called on a new member,
an Englishman, to join their team.
During their first game, the Englishman came to bat.
On the first pitch, he knocked the ball out of the park.
"Run!" his team-mates cried. "For Pete's sake,
run!
The Brit turned and stared at them icily.
"I jolly well shan't run," he replied.
"Why should I?
I'm perfectly willing to buy you chaps another ball."
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49. was the new teacher for the toddler-age Sunday school class,
which included my 14-month-old daughter.
During a lesson on creation, I'd ask questions like,
"Who made the trees?" or "Who made the sun?
" and the children would respond, "God did."
I was pleased the children learned quickly that God made everything.
Teaching lessons at home was more of a challenge.
I had tried hard to teach my daughter to pick up her toys,
and she wasn't learning very quickly. One day
I walked into the living room to find toys scattered everywhere.
In exasperation I asked, "Who made this mess?"
My daughter looked at me with a proud smile and said, "God did!"
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50. Here is a western joke. I heard it from Jack Hayford in 1999 at Manila, Philippines .
One day a visiting preacher started his sermon.
His subject was, 'who you are in Christ'.
In the middle of the sermon he told,
"You are a child of God,
saved and sanctified by the Blood of Jesus Christ.
You are a saint. Believe it and act it.
Now you turn to the person next to you and introduce yourself -
I am a saint and say 'I am Saint and say your name.
I am Saint Matthew, I am Saint Hannah and so on. Go ahead.
" He watched. Every one was doing it except a man in the front.
The preacher encouraged that man and said,
"My brother I understand your apprehension.
It is OK. We all have short comings .
None of us are perfect.
But God made us saints and we must say that and confess it.
Go ahead and - let us do it again.
Each person tell to another person that you are Saint and say your name also.
" Still that man was standing like a pillar a bit worried and won't say it.
The preacher went to that man to explain it.
That man said, "I cant say that.
My name is Bernard."
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51. NOT TO DISTURB SLEEP
The preacher was most annoyed to find an elderly man falling asleep during his sermon every Sunday. So, after service one day, he said to little Gerald accompanying him, “ If you can keep your grandfather awake, I’ll pay you a quarter.”
This worked for two weeks; the aged man was very alert and listened to the sermons attentively. On the third Sunday, however, the preacher found that the old man had fallen asleep.
After the service he sent for the boy and said, “ I am very angry with you. Didn’t I promise you a quarter a week to keep your grandfather awake?”
“Yes, “ replied the boy, but grandpa gives me a dollar not to disturb him.”
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52. A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak
with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no, no!" said the man.
"I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I've been trying to do that for years!"
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53. It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,
"What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early,
" replied the defendant.
"That's no offense," said the judge.
"How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened."
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54. Q: What does every woman call an intelligent,
attractive, caring, loving and sensitive man?
A: A dream.
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55. A Saudi Prince went to Germany to study.
A month later,
he sends a letter to his dad saying,
"Berlin is wonderful,
people are nice and I really like it here,
but I'm a bit ashamed to arrive to school with
my gold Mercedes when all my teachers travel by train."
Sometime later he gets a letter from his dad with a
ten million dollar check saying,
"Stop embarrassing us,
go and get yourself a train too!"
**************************************************************************
56. An Israeli doctor says:
"Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man,
put it in another, and have him looking for work in 6 weeks.
" A British doctor says: "That is nothing;
we can take a lung out of one person,
put it in another, and have him looking for work in 4 weeks.
" A Canadian doctor says:
"In my country, medicine is so advanced
that we can take half a heart out of one person,
put it in another, and have them both looking for work in 2 weeks.
" A Nigerian doctor, not to be outdone, says:
"You guys are way behind......
We just took a man with NO brain, made him President,
and now the whole country is looking for work.
***************************************************************************
57. These bear hunters were sitting around the cabin
the night before the hunt bragging about their passt hunts.
The cabin boy was listening and went over and said
"you guys make it seem pretty hard on capturing a bear".
They all laughed and said "it is hard; do you think you could bag one"?
"I can go out and bag you 2 if you will skin them,
and I will bet each of you $100.00.
They agreed and off he went out into the night.
Soon he spotted a big grizzly;
he waved his arm and started hollering the big bear started after him
and he started running for the shack.
When he got close to the shack he started yelling.
"Open the door he yelled".
They looked out and saw the bear chasing the boy.
Just as he got to the door they opened it
and he stepped aside and the bear went in.
He slammed the door and locked it and shouted.
"OK skin him I'll go and get the other one".
*****************************************************************************
58. A young bride tells her friend,
“Paul keeps telling everyone he’s going to marry the most beautiful girl in the world.”
“ What a shame! And after all the time you’ve been engaged!”
***************************************************************************
59. Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7,8,9.
7 ATE NINE (7 EIGHT NINE)
*****************************************************************************
60. Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip
to their local police station where they saw pictures
tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and
asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.
'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?’
****************************************************************************
61. Shut Up and Trouble were walking down a path.
Trouble got lost. So, Shut Up went to the police officer.
The police officer asked, "What's your name?"
He answered, "Shut Up."
He asked again "What's your name?""Shut Up."
The police officer asked, "Are you looking for trouble?!"
"Yeah, I lost him down a path about two miles ago."
************************************************************************
62. An Irishman was stumbling through the woods,
totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost over-come by the smell of alcohol,
where upon he asks the drunk,
'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
The drunken shouts, 'Yes, oi am.'
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother, have you found Jesus?'
The drunken replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.'
The preacher shocked at the answer,
dunks him into the water again for a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks again,
'Have you found Jesus my brother?'
The Irish again answers, 'No, oi I haven't found Jesus.'
By this time, the preacher is at his wits end
and dunks the Irish in the water again ---
but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and
when he begins kicking his arms and legs, he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the Irish, 'For the love of God,
have you found Jesus?'
The Irish wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
"Are you sure, dis is where he fell in?"
*************************************************************************
63. A school teacher injured his back and
had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.
It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.
On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt,
he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom,
he opened the window as wide as possible
and then busied himself with desk work.
When a strong breeze made his tie flap,
he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
He had no trouble with discipline that term.
**********************************************************************
64. A young IRS agent decided to get his first tailor made suit.
So he went to the finest tailor in townand got measured for a suit.
A week later he went in for his first fitting.
He put on the suit and he looked stunning,
he felt that in this suit he can do business.
As he was preening himself in front of the mirror
he reached down to put his hands in the pockets
and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets.
He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him,
"Didn't you tell me you were an IRS agent?"
The young man answered, "Yes, I did."
To this the tailor said, "Who ever heard of an IRS
agent with his hands in his own pockets?"
( IRS in US – income tax department in India.
Now change into police officer etc)
***************************************************************************
65. One day the school principal was talking to Little
Johnny's teacher about his behavior,
when all of a sudden Johnny comes running down the hallway.
The principal stops Johnny and asks him,
"Why are you running?"
Little Johnny says, "I’m keeping two kids from fighting, sir."
"Who?" asked the principal.
"Me and the kid chasing me!" and off he went.
****************************************************************************
66. After tucking their three-year-old child,
Tyler, in for bed one night,
his parents heard sobbing coming from his room.
Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically.
He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny
and he was sure he was going to die.
No amount of talking was helping.
His father, in an attempt to calm him down,
palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Tyler's ear.
Tyler was delighted.
In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand,
swallowed, and then cheerfully demanded,
"Do it again, Dad!"
***************************************************************************
67. A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital ER.
The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a
heart transplant right away.
Another doctor runs into the room and says,
"You're in luck -- two hearts just becameavailable,
so you will get to choose which one you want.
One belongs to an attorney and the other to a social worker.
The man quickly responds, "The attorney's."
The doctor says, "Wait! Don't you want to know a little
about them before you make your decision?"
The man says, "I already know enough.
We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts
and the attorney probably never used his .
So I'll take the attorney's heart!"
*************************************************************************
68. Two Good Questions
A surgeon examined a new patient most carefully.
After studying the x-rays,
he turned to the man and said...
"Could you pay for an operation if I told you it was necessary?"
The patient thought for a moment, then said to the doctor:
"Would you find one necessary if I told you I couldn't pay for it?"
************************************************************************
69. Why did Mickey Mouse go to space? .....................
To visit Pluto
*************************************************************************
70. A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband came into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "Careful! Put in some more oil!
Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once.
Too many! Turn them! Turn them now!
You need more oil. Oh my God! Where are we going to get more oil?
The eggs are going to stick! Careful, careful!
I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking!
Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you crazy?
Have you lost your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget that.
Use the salt. Use the Salt! The Salt!"
The wife stared at him angrily, "What is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied,
"I just wanted to show you how it feels like
when I'm DRIVING and you do the same! !
*************************************************************************
71. 1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last; thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm,
but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable,except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares,try missing a couple of payments.
*********************************************************************
72. The new family in the neighborhood overslept,
and their six-year-old daughter missed her school bus.
The father, though late for work,
said he would drive her if she'd direct him to the school.
They rode several blocks before she told him to turn the first time.
Several blocks later she told him to turn again.
After 20 minutes of turn after turn, they finally reached the school.
At that point, the father realized they were only a few blocks from their home.
Extremely annoyed, he asked his daughter
why she had led him around in such circles.
"But, daddy," the child protested,
"that's the way the school bus goes,
and it's the only way I know."
*******************************************************************
73. The doorbell rang and the lady of the house discovered
a workman, complete with tool chest, on the front porch.
"Madam," he announced, "I'm the piano tuner."
The lady exclaimed, "Why, I didn't send for a piano tuner."
The man replied, "I know you didn't,
but your neighbors did.”
********************************************************************
74. One liners
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering,
'What the heck happened?'
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound.
That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos.
What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
75. How does bill gates enter his office.
Of course he will always use the window.
*******************************************************************************
76. A mother walks into the kitchen and sees her daughter
with the whole box of animal crackers spread on the counter top.
Mother: "Why did you pour out the whole box?"
Daughter: "The box says, 'Do not eat if the seal is broken.
' I'm looking for the seal."
*******************************************************************************
77. When we brought our new-born son to the pediatrician
for his first checkup, the doctor said, "You have a cute baby."
Smiling, I said, "I'll bet you say that to all the newparents."
"No," he replied, "just to those whose babies are really good-looking."
"So what do you say to the others?" I asked.
"He looks just like you."
*******************************************************************************
78 The Drummer As a nightclub owner,
I had hired a drummer and a piano player to entertain my customers.
After several evenings of performances,
I discovered that the drummer had walked away with some of my valuables.
I notified the police and he was subsequently hauled off to jail.
Desperate for another drummer on short notice,
I called a friend who knew some musicians.
"What happened to the drummer you had?" he asked.
"I had him arrested," I replied.
There was a pause on the other end of the phone.
"How badly did he play?"
********************************************************************************
79. A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp.
He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah.
This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these
wishes so you can forget about three.
You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said,
"I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick.
Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?
" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that!
How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific?
Think of how much concrete...how much steel!!
No, think of another wish .
" The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish.
Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times.
My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive.
So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside
and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....
know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....
know how to make them truly happy...."
The genie asked, "Do you want that bridge two lanes or four?"
*******************************************************************************
80. Q. Why did the pig cross the road
A. To prove that he wasn't a chicken
**************************************************************************
81. Two kids were deciding what game to play. One said, “Let’s play doctor.”
“Good idea,” said the other. “You operate, and I’ll sue.”
*********************************************************************
82. A man placed some flowers on the grave of his departed mother
and started back for his car, parked on the cemetery road.
His attention was diverted to a man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity,
and kept repeating, "Why did you die? Why did you die?"
The first man approached him and said,
"Sir, I don't want to interfere with your private grief,
but this demonstration of hurt and pain is more than I've ever seen before.
For whom do you mourn so deeply? Your Child? A parent?
Who, may I ask, lies in that grave?"
The mourner answered, "My wife's first husband! ...
Why did you die? Why did you die?"
***************************************************************************
83. Before going to Europe on business,
a man drives his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank
and asks for an immediate loan of $5,000.
The loan officer, taken aback, requests collateral.
"Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce," the man says.
The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank's
underground parking for safe keeping and gives the man the $5,000.
Two weeks later, the man walks through the bank's doors
and asks to settle up his loan and get his car back.
"That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest,
" the loan officer says. The man writes out a check and starts to walk away.
"Wait, sir," the loan officer says. "You are a millionaire.
Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?" The man smiles,
"Where else could I find a safer place to park
my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"
*****************************************************************************
84. It's all in the punctuation:
An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is nothing."
*************************************************************************
85. Grandpa: boy, how many miles do you walk to school?
Boy: about a half mile.
Grandpa: when I was your age I walked eight miles to school every day.
Boy, what are your grades like?
Boy: they are mostly B's.
Grandpa: when I was your age I got all A's. Boy, have you ever gotten into a fight?
Boy: only two times and the boy beat me up.
Grandpa: When I was your age I was in a fight every day.
Boy, how old are you?
Boy: 9 years old.
Grandpa: when I was your age I was 11
***************************************************************************
86. It was very crowded and noise in this Restaurant
and this blond girl asks the waiter where the restroom was.
And he says: - I can’t hear you!
So she gets close to his ear and asks again: -
Can you please tell me where the ladies room is?
And he replies: - On the other side!
So she turns around and gets close to his other ear,
and asks:-Can you please tell me where the ladies room is, please!
************************************************************************
87. One day an employee came in to work with both of his ears bandaged.
When his boss asked him what happened, he explained:
"Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang
and I accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!"
"Well," the boss said, "that explains one ear, but what
about the other?" "They called back!"
**************************************************************************
88. Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
Sam: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
******************************************************************
89. A woman is walking on the road and a voice shouts out,
"Don't take a step further.
" She obeys and suddenly a ton of bricks fall on the place
where she would have otherwise been.
She thinks she imagined it and keeps walking until suddenly
the voice calls out again"Don't take a step further.
" She stops and a car skids past.
Then suddenly she hears the voice saying
"I am your guardian angel,
and I will warn you before something bad happens to you.
Now do you have any questions to ask me?
" Yes! Shouts the woman,
"Just where were you on my wedding day!"
*****************************************************************************
90. The National Game warden put out a warning to all hikers in his area.
Warning that they should wear small bells on their boots so not to startle the bears.
To distinguish the grizzly bear the notice read--
small bears droppings are small with nut and berries in it.
Grizzly bear droppings are much larger with nuts and berries and little tiny bells in it.
******************************************************************************
91. A salesman telephone a household, and a four-year-old answered.
Salesman: May I speak to your mother?
Child: She is not here.
Salesman: Well, is anyone else there?
Child: My sister
Salesman: O.K., fine. May I speak to her?
Child: I guess so.There was a long silence on the other phone. Then:
Child: Hello?
Salesman: It’s you. I thought you were going to call your sister.
Child: I did. The trouble is: I can’t get her out of the playpen.
**************************************************************************
92. Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is
24 hours a day/seven days a week?
A: A widow.
***************************************************************************
93. During a robbery, one of the robbers mask slid down.
He looked at a man and asked. Did you see my face?
The man said yes! The robber shot him.
Then he asked a woman. Did you see my face?
She said no, but my husband over there did.
***************************************************************************
94. Marriage Jokes :
A man calls home to his wife and says,
"Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada
with my boss and several of his friends.
We'll be gone for a week.
This is a good opportunity for me to get
that promotion I've been wanting,
so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week
and set out my rod and tackle box.
We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up.
Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy
but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked.
The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish.
He says, "Yes!Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike.
But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
The wife replies; "I did, they were in your tackle box."
***************************************************************************
95. A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife:
"Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden.
When is the best time to plant them?"
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail,
replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden.
That is where I hid all the money.
" A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:
"Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened,
some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden.
" The prisoner wrote another letter back:
"Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."
*************************************************************************
96. One friend to another,
“My new horse is very well-mannered.”
“That’s nice.”
“Yes, isn’t it? Every time we come to a jump he stops and lets me go first!”
**************************************************************************
97. A man mentioned to his landlord about the tenants in the apartment over his.
“Many a night they stamp on the floor and shout till midnight.
” When the landlord asked if it bothered him, he replied,
“Not really, for I usually stay up and practice
my trumpet till about that time most every night anyway.”
************************************************************************
98. A New Yorker was forced to take a day off
from work to appear for a minor traffic summons.
He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after
endless hour for his case to be heard.
When his name was called late in the afternoon,
he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned
for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.
"What for?!?!?" he snapped at the judge.
His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud:
"Twenty dollars contempt of court! That's why!"
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented:
"That's all right. You don't have to pay now."
The young man replied, "I know.
But I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."
****************************************************************************
99. One day the school principal was talking to Little Johnny's teacher about his behavior,
when all of a sudden Johnny comes running down the hallway.
The principal stops Johnny and asks him, why are you running?
Little Johnny says; I’m keeping two kids from fighting, sir.
Who? ask the principal. Me and the kid chasing me; and off he went.
****************************************************************************
100. A passerby noticed a couple of city workers working along the city sidewalks.
The man was quite impressed with their hard work,
but he couldn't understand what they were doing.
Finally, he approached the workers and asked,
"I appreciate how hard you're both working, but what the heck are you doing?
It seems that one of you digs a hole,
and then the other guy immediately fills it back up again.
One of the city workers explained,
"The third guy who plants the trees is off sick today."
***************************************************************************
101 Two young boys were spending the night at their
grandparents' house. At bedtime, the two boys
knelt beside their beds to say their prayers.
The youngest one began praying at the top of his
lungs, "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE. I PRAY FOR A
NEW NINTENDO. I PRAY FOR A NEW DVD PLAYER..."
The older brother leaned over and nudged the
younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting
your prayers? God isn't deaf."
To which the little brother replied, "No, but
Gramma is!"
****************************************************************************
102 . A little boy was fascinated as he watched his
mother smooth cold cream on her face.
"Mommy," he asked, "why do you put that stuff
on your face?"
"To make myself beautiful," his mother replied
as she began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Are
you giving up?"
******************************************************************************
103. A surgeon goes to return some books he
borrowed from the library.
The librarian quips after checking the
books. "Sir, your books are always returned
with the last page missing in every single book."
The surgeon replies, "I can't stop myself
from removing an appendix whenever I see one."
**************************************************************************
104. There were 11 people hanging on to a rope that came down from a helicopter.
Ten were men and one woman.
They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't,
the rope would break and everyone would die.
No one could decide who should go.
Finally the woman gave a really touching speech
on how she would give up her life to save the others,
because women were used to giving up things for their husbands
and children and giving in to men.
All of the men started clapping...
**************************************************************************
105. Angry wife to her husband
An Angry Wife To Her Husband 0n Phone:
"Where d Hell Are You ...?"
Husband: Darling You Remember That Jewellery Shop Where You Saw The Diamond Necklace n Totally Fell In Love With It n I Didn't Have Money That Time n I said "Baby It'll Be Yours 1 Day ... "O:)
Wife, With A Smile & Blushing: Yeah I Remember That My Love!
Husband: I‘m in the Pub Just Next To That Shop
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
106. Husband texts to wife on cell..
"Hi, what r u doing Darling?"
Wife: I'm dying..!
Husband jumps with joy but types "Sweet Heart, how can I live without U?"
Wife: "U idiot! I'm dying my hair.."
Husband: "Bloody English Language!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
107.My son, Scott, an insurance broker in Florida,
loves ocean fishing and takes his cell phone
along on the boat. One morning we were drifting
about ten miles offshore as Scott discussed
business on the phone.
Suddenly his rod bent double, and the reel
screamed as line poured off the spool. Scott
was master of the situation. "Pardon me," he
told his customer calmly. "I have a call on
another line."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
108. When you carry the Bible, Satan gets a
headache...... When you open it, he collapses..... When he sees you
reading it, he faints..... When he sees that you are living what you
read, he flees..... And when you are about to forward this message....
He will try and discourage you... I just defeated him!!! Any other takers?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
109. Sunday after church,
A Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.
The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day,
the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him
what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
110 . People want the front of the bus, the
back of the church, and the center of attention.
=======
In my senior year I reluctantly took a required psychology
course. The first day, the professor commented on each
student's major, trying to provoke a response. It was
working - some students were becoming defensive. When it was
my turn, I told him I was a music major.
"So," asked my professor, "what does your father think of
you wasting your education to study music?"
"He's just thankful," I shot back, "that I didn't go into
psychology."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
111. A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question,
"Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!"
said the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
112. The third grade class was being given a course
in first aid. The question was asked, "What
would you do if you had a younger brother who
swallowed the house key?"
After a pause, little Courtney answered, "Easy!
I'd climb through the window!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
113. There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday
and announced to his congregation:
"I have good news and bad news.
The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new gym
- fellowship hall building program.
The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
114. A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city
because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read:
"I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here,
I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note
"I've circled this block for 10 years.
If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job.
Lead us not into temptation."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
115. Husband was seriously ill
Doc to wife: Give him healthy breakfast,
be pleasant & in gud mood,
don’t discuss ur problems,
no tv serial, don’t demand new clothes & gold jewels,
Do this for 1 yr & he will be ok.
On the way home.. Husband: what did the doc say ?
Wife:- .No chance for u to survive
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
116. A woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight.
She'd made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she reported,
and he’d eaten half of it at dinner.
The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half,
until finally she cut a thin slice for herself.
One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone.
The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower,
and how she knew her husband would be disappointed.
Everyone commiserated;
until someone asked what her husband said when he found out.
She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!"
*******************************************************************************
117. Jack's Last Will and Testament Jack has died.
His lawyer is standing before the family
and reads out Jack's Last Will and Testament:
"To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house,
50 acres of land, and 1 million dollars.
"To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus and the Jaguar
.
"To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht and $250,000
"And to my brother-in-law Jeff, who always
insisted that health is better than wealth,
I leave my treadmill."
********************************************************************************
118. Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: Sure, buddy.
Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again.
Do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: No, SIR!
********************************************************************************
119. Get Well Quick
A little boy sent a "get well quick" card to his grandfather in the hospital.
Inside the card he wrote:
Dear Grandpa,
Mama tells me that you went to the hospital for some tests.
I hope you get an "A"!
Love, Billy
********************************************************************************
120. A pastor visiting house found the 5 year boy crying.
PR: Son why are you crying?”
Mother: He is a crying baby. He will cry for small things and big things.
Pastor: Sister, we must understand child psychology.
There must be a reason for him to cry
Find it. Solve it. He will be happy.
So sister, let me show how to make a crying baby happy and smiling.”
He turned to the boy and said,
“Son you tell me. I am your pastor and I will help you. Why are you crying?
Boy: I want sugar cam=ne. There is a man selling sugar cane outside.”
Pastor, “See sister, that is all. He wants a sugar cane.
You give it to him and he will be happy.”
PR walked out and found a man selling sugar cane.
Pastor bought sugar cane and gave to the boy and he was beaming with a big smile.
PR to mother – do you see. That is how we make peace in the house.
Then the boy started to cry again.
Mother – see I told you that he will cry all the time for minor and major things.
PR: There must be reason. Let me handle it and show you how to being peace –
how to create peace – how to solve tension and friction.
PR: My son, tell me why are you crying.
Boy: I want this peeled.
PR to mother – do you see – there is a genuine reason –a need.
You solve it and he will be happy.
Pastor peeled it for him. The boy is happy.
Pastor was talking about child psychology to the mother.
Then the boy started to cry again: Mother – the same story to the pastor.
Pastor – the same dialogue to the mother and the same question to the boy.
Boy: I want this to be split into 4 pieces.
Pastor same dialogue to the mother.
He picked up the peeled sugar cane and split into 4 pieces and gave t boy.
The boy is beaming with a wide smile.
Pastor same dialogue to the mother. Then the boy started to cry again.
Mother same dialogue. Pastor same dialogue.
The he asked the boy – son why are you crying?
The boy: I want these four pieces to be made into one.
The neighbors heard some smacking, buy crying,
and then they saw pastor walking away into his car in anger with his hat in his hand.
The mother asking the pastor to come back for his coffee –
but the pastor sped away. Any one knows – pastor psychology?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
121. One October, my wife and I spent a vacation
on Washington's Olympic Peninsula. We were
eager to visit the rain forests near the
coast, but we heard that snow slides had made
some of the roads impassable.
Although apprehensive about the conditions we
might run into, we drove on. Sure enough, we
had gone only a short way up the High Rain
Forest road when we saw a sign: "Ice 10 miles."
Five miles farther on, there was another sign:
"Ice 5 miles." The next one was, "Ice 1/2 mile."
We practically crept that half-mile.
When we came to the last sign it was outside
a small grocery, and it read, "Ice 75 cents."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
122. The boss was very exasperated with his new
secretary. She ignored the telephone when
it rang.
"You must answer the telephone!" he told her
irritably.
"All right," she replied, "but it seems so
silly. Nine times out of ten, it's for you!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
123. Appukuttan walks into a restaurant in Abu Dhabi with a full-grown camel behind him, and as he sits, the waiter comes over and asks for their order.
Appukuttan says, ' I want 4 porottas and 1 egg roast,' and turns to the camel, ‘what do you want?' ' I'll have the same’, says the camel demurely.
A short time later the waiter returns with the order. 'That will be 15.30 dhirams please,' and Appukuttan reaches into his pocket and pulls outexact change for payment.
The next day, Appukuttan and the camel come again and Appukuttan says, ' I want 4 porottas and 1 egg roast,''. ' I'll have the same,'
says the camel demurely. Once again Appukuttan reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waiter. 'today is Thursday so I'll have 5 appams and chicken stew,’saysAppukuttan. 'same for me,' says the camel demurely.
A short time later the waiter comes with the order and says, 'That will be 12.62 dirhams.' Once again Appukuttan pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waiter can't hold back his curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, saar. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?'
'Well,' says Appukuttan, 'several years ago I was cleaning the 'attic’ and I found an old 'lamp’. When I rubbed it a Yakshi appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'Great!’ says the waiter. 'Most people would wish for a million rupees or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'
'That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, a Benz car or a Rolls Royce , the exact money is always there' says Appukuttan.
The waiter asks, 'One other thing, sir, why are you always accompanied by this camel?''.
Appukuttan sighs and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall female with long legs, full lips, large eyes with long eyelashes who will go with me everywhere and agrees with everything I say........'
There is always a catch when you get your wishes fulfilled by a Yakshi!!
(You can change Yakshi into a demonic spirit or Gene)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
124....After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied, 'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
125. While on leave, my Marine buddy and I met two
nursing students from Southern California. After
chatting them up awhile, the conversation turned
to what we did in the service.
When we told them we were in the infantry, the
girls seemed very impressed, giving us big smiles
as they told us how sweet that was.
Since infantry and sweet are seldom used in the
same sentence, I was a little confused. Until,
that is, one of the girls said, “We admire any
man who works with infants.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
126. An American Red Indian was found lying on the ground by a cow boy on a horse. Cowboy: What do you hear?
Indian: A caravan of 2 horses – one horse black and the other read, man and woman. Man in black suit with a hat. Woman in white dress and pink hat. 500 yards away.
Cowboy: My, my, my… you could know all these facts by hearing the sound from the ground.
Indian: the caravan ran over me few minutes back
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
127. Cool message by a wife
Dear Mother-in-law, "Don't Teach me how 2 handle my children, I'm living with one of yours & he needs a lot of improvement"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
128. Sweet demand by kid
A kid was beaten by his mom. Dad came n asked - what happen son?
Kid said-I can’t adjust with your wife anymore, I want my own
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
129. Lion bounced on wife
In an African Safari, A LION suddenly bounced on Santa's wife.
WIFE: Shoot him! Shoot him!
SANTA: Yes, Yes. I'm changing d battery of my camera..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
130. Throwing knives on wife's picture
Husband was throwing knives on wife’s picture. All were missing the target!
Suddenly he received call from her "Hi, what r u doing?"
His honest reply, "MISSING U"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
131. I will think about it
When a married man says "I'll think about it",
What he really means that, He doesn't know his wife's opinion yet..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
132. Habbit of talking in sleep
A Lady to Doctor:
My husband has habit of talking in sleep! what shud i give him to cure?
Dr: Give him an Opportunity to speak wen hez awake
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
133. Head & Neck of the family
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It is said that Husband is the head of the family,
but remember that wife is the Neck of the family &
the Neck can turn the Head exactly the way she wants.
Wife: Do you want dinner?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wife: Do you want dinner?
Husband: Sure, what are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
134. What is the Difference between Mother & Wife?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What is the Difference between Mother & Wife?
A - One Woman Brings U into this world crying...
& the other ensures U Continue to do so.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
135. To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman.
Interviewer: "What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
136. To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman.
Interviewer: "What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
137. I look at your picture and the problem disappears
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Darling: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible,
I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Darling: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself,
"What other problem can there be greater than this one?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
138. Anew business was opening, and one of the owner’s friends sent flowers for the occasion.
But when the owner read the card with the flowers, it said.“Rest in Peace”
The owner was little upset and called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist about the obvious mistake,
the florist said, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake,
but rater than getting angry, you should imagine this:
Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today,
and they have flowers with a note saying, “Congratulations on you new location.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
139. It was a stormy night.
A guy was driving in some mountains and his car broke down.
He stopped it by a tree and walked down the highway looking for help.
A headlight started to approach him from behind.
He turned back and noticed a car coming forth very slowly.
He walked up to it, opened the door, and sat on the passenger's seat.
Then he suddenly notices that there was no driver, but the car was moving!
Before the guy could decide what to do,
a sharp turn appeared a few meters before the car and
it seemed that the car was going to go off the cliff.
The guy trembled in fright,
but a pale hand came in from the open window and turned the steering wheel!
When the car finished turning around the curve, the hand withdrew.
Every time there was a turn,
the same hand would come in and guide the wheels of the car to safety.
The guy could not believe all this.
As soon as he saw the lights of some rest stop by the road he jumped off the car
and ran into a bar, pale, wet, trembling,
and telling everybody that he had a most creepy, supernatural experience.
Then two young men dripping in mud came into the bar.
One saw the guy and said,
"Hey, that's the stupid fellow that got in our car while were pushing."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
140. A man went to a movie theater for the first time in his life.
A tiger came on the screen and this man ran out of the theatre
but the security man at the gate stopped him and asked the reason.
He said, “Can’t you see the tiger.
Security man, “But this is a movie.”
The man, “I know that, but does that tiger know that this is a movie?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
141. Three lunatics approach their Asylum doctor with a request for a weekend pass to the local city. "That's impossible says the doctor. You're all nuts. You'll get lost and never come back.
" But, the lunatics wouldn't relent until finally, exasperated, the doctor says "OK! If you can answer a simple question I'll sign the pass." He turns to the first lunatic and says "What's three times three?" The lunatic starts counting on his fingers "3, 7, 19, 38?. Is it 128?" The doctor shakes his head and turns to the next lunatic: "What's three times three?" The lunatic immediately shouts "WEDNESDAY!" The doctor, beginning to get disgusted turns to the last lunatic: What's three times three?" The lunatic thinks for a moment and then asks for a pencil and a piece of paper. That provided, she writes for some time furiously, and finally looks up and says "Nine." The doctor is amazed, but true to his word he begins filling out the pass. As he's writing he says "This is incredible, you've always been thoroughly insane. How'd you do it?" The lunatic responds, "Oh, it was easy I divided 128 by Wednesday!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
142. Grandma Jones from the valley had never experienced a sick day in her life, so she didn't take it kindly when a bad case of the mulligrubs sent her to the hospital for observation. By the time a pair of husky interns got Grandma tucked into bed, she had managed to complain about everything: the temperature, the lights, the skimpy gown, the food and the mattress, especially, the mattress.
Suddenly, Grandma spotted a small plastic item with a button, attached to a cord. "What's that?" she demanded.
"If you need anything in the middle of the night, Grandma," said one of the interns, "just press that button."
"What does it do, ring a bell?" she asked.
"No, it turns on a light in the hall for the nurse on duty," the intern replied.
"A light in the hall?" responded Grandma. "Look, I'm the sick one around here. If the night nurse needs a light on in the hall, she can get up and switch it on herself."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
143. When General Douglas MacArthur retired from the military in 1951, he stated famously,
"Old soldiers never die, they just fade away.
" But five-star generals are not the only ones who never die:
~ Golfers never die, they just lose their drive.
~ Lumberjacks never die, they just pine away.
~ Accountants don't die, they just lose their balance.
~ Bank managers don't die, they just lose interest.
~ Vehicle mechanics? They re-tire every day.
~ Beekeepers never retire, they just buzz off.
~ Musicians never retire, they just decompose.
~ Watchmakers never retire, they just wind down.
~ Old librarians never die, they just check out, become overdue, and lose their circulation.
~ Old mimes never die, they're just never heard from again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
144. A young woman woke up one morning and told her husband,
"I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day.
What do you think it means?"
"You'll know this evening when I return from office," he said.
That evening the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it, only to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
145. Two Musicians’ in a major symphonic orchestra were discussing
who they thought the LEAST talented musician in the band was.
One of them said; that’s easy. See that guy standing in the back?
Well, we just put two sticks in his hands and we call him a Drummer.
The other responded; well, if we take one stick away, we call him a Conductor!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
146. An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.
So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando ,
thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs
when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall
with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.
The American, being intrigued,
asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta . There, at a very large cathedral,
he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone
he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000
he could talk to God.
' O.K., thank you,' said the American .
He then travelled all across America , Europe, England , Japan , New Zealand .
In every church he saw the same looking golden telephone
with the same '$US10,000 per call' sign under it.
The American decided to travel to India to see if Indians had the same phone.
He arrived in Kerala in India and again, in the first church he entered,
there was the same looking golden telephone,
but this time the sign under it read 'one rupee per call.'
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
'Father, I've travelled all over the world
and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches.
I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them price was $10,000 per call.
Why is it so cheap here?'
The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Kerala now,
son - "This is God’s own country " so it's a local call'.
KEEP SMILING if you are from Kerala.
Or change the wordings and make it a joke on your state. Then smile.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
147. Hiccups Cure
A man goes into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist
if he can give him something for the hiccups. The
pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's
face.
"What did you do that for?" the man asks.
"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"
The man says, "No, but my wife out in the car still
does!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
148. A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him Rs. 10 and that
Continues for a year. Then suddenly the daily donation changes to Rs. 7.50.
"Well," says the beggar, "I hope you don't plan to educate them all at my expense." ?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
149. An old Wild West fort is about to be attacked.
The wily old General sends for his trusty Indian Scout.
"You must use all your years of skill in trying to
estimate the sort of army we are up against here."
The trusty Indian Scout laid down and put his ear
to the ground... "Large war party," he says, "maybe
three hundred braves, four chiefs, two on black
stallions, two on white stallions. All have war
paint...many, many guns. Medicine man also with
them."
"Good grief!" exclaims the General, "you can tell
all of that just by listening to the ground???"
"No, General," replied the Scout, "I can see under
the gate."
(The American Red Indians had the ability to listen on the ground and tell about the army or animals nearby from the sound. Read another Indian joke tomorrow)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
150. My mom called her friend May on her 100th
birthday. “How are you going to celebrate?”
she asked.
“My children are coming for the weekend,” May
said happily.
“You must be looking forward to that,” Mom
said.
“Yes,” May replied, “but it's a lot of work,
washing the floors and making up their beds.”
“Why don't you wait and have the children do
it?” Mom suggested.
“Oh, no, I couldn't do that,” May countered.
“They're in their 80s!”
(I like that attitude. The children may be old but the 100 year is feeling young. Feel youn g. Act young. pgv)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
179. A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost.
He reduced altitude and spotted a man below.
He descended a bit more and shouted,
"Excuse me, can you help me?
I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago,
but I don't know where I am."
Employment Form
To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter.
To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate
and came down the long line to where the lawyer was,
and greeted him warmly.
Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands
and guided him up to the front of the line,
and into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention,
but what makes me so special?" St. Peter replied,
"Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients,
and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
If you did not understand this – the lawyer in USA
and some other countries bill their clients for the minutes
they attend to their calls and papers.
Try to make a joke like for a en employee by claiming overtime pay
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
187. Higher Prices
There were two grocers, Smith and Jones, in the same street.
Smith had a sign in his window: "Avocados, 50 cents each." A
woman went in and asked for some.
"Sorry, love," said Smith, "I haven't got any in just now;
come back on Wednesday."
So she went on up the street to Jones. But his avocados were
$2.00 each! But at least he had them in stock.
"That's a bit steep, isn't it? Smith's are only 50 cents
each."
"Yeah," said Jones, "and when I haven't got any in stock,
mine also are only 50 cents a piece!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
199. A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over.
He rolled down his window and said to the officer,
"Is there a problem, Officer?"
"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving
and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award.
Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"
The driver thought for a minute and said,
"Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license.
" The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman,
"Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smart butt when he's drunk and stoned.
" The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said,
"Are we over the border yet?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
200 .Three buddies die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the pearly gates.
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and
family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say
about you?
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was the
greatest doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful
husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our
children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies,
"I would like to hear them say... LOOK!!! HE'S GETTING UP!!!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
201.An elderly couple was in bed one night and the woman woke up from a bad dream. She was scared and panicking. Her husband awoke and turned the light on to calm her. He asked what was wrong. She said "I had a dream that I died and you got remarried." she asked him "if I died tomorrow would you get remarried?" he said "sure, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life lonely." then she asked "well would you two live in this house?" he replied "sure, we just got finished paying off our mortgage." she asked again, angry now "well would she sleep in this bed?" he snickered and said "yes, of course, this bed is brand new and expensive, there's no reason to rid of it." she asked irately, "well would she use my golf clubs?" he replied with a straight, serious face "no. She's left handed."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
202
gym class.
But one day during gym, I noticed an nine-year-old girl
wearing aT-shirt I thought I had seen her wearing in an
earlier class. I asked her why she hadn't changed.
Before she could answer, her best friend chimed in
indignantly: "Yes, Janice has changed! That's my T-shirt,
and I'm wearing hers!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
321. Jack has died. His lawyer is standing before the family
and reads out Jack's Last Will and Testament:
"To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 50 acres of
land, and 1 million dollars.
"To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus and the Jaguar.
"To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht and $250,000.
"And to my brother-in-law Jeff, who always insisted that
health is better than wealth, I leave my treadmill."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He said: "What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?"
now has a new animal. A plump little teddy bear sits in
the hay paying tribute to Baby Jesus.
Our children will tell you this addition is quite scriptural.
As a beginning reader, Billy was thrilled to be able to read
the Christmas story from the Bible for our family advent
devotions.
Although the verses did not flow from one line to another, we
enjoyed listening to him read.
One night Billy read: "Behold, a virgin shall be with child
and bear..."
"A bear?" my 3-year-old Nancy interrupted.
"We don't have a bear in our manger," 5-year-old Timmy said.
"Here, use mine," offered Nancy, and she plopped her soft
stuffed bear in the middle of the scene.
Then Billy continued to read: "... a son, and they shall call
his name Immanuel."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
336. For the hundredth time a female believer came to her pastor to tell him,
“I’m so scared! My husband says he’s going to kill me if I continue to come to your church.”
“Yes, yes, my child,” replied the pastor, more than a little tired of hearing this over and over.
“I will continue to pray for you, dear sister. Nobody can stop you from coming to our church….Have faith – the Lord will watch over you.”
“Oh yes, he has kept me safe thus far, only…..”
“Only what, my child?” .........
“Well, now he says if I keep coming to your church, he’s going to kill ---YOU!”
“Well, now,” said the pastor,
“There is no harm if you join another church as all churches are temple of God. If you need, I will give a letter for recommendation/ introduction”‘
338. One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine
when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered
his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to
the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man
answered.
"Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even
for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the
poor fellows says "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for
taking all of us with you."
The rich man replied "No, I appreciate you: the grass at my
home is about three feet tall!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
339.
As a senior at St. Cloud State University in Minnesota, I
often engage women psychology majors in heated discussions
about male-female relationships. Once, my friend Shelly and I got into a hot debate about whether men or women make the
larger sacrifice of their respective gender characteristics
when they get married. To my surprise, Shelly agreed with me
that men give up far more than women.
"You're right, Steve," she said. "Men generally give up
doing their cleaning, their cooking, their grocery shopping,
their laundry."
348.
The story is told about a pastor who was into telling stories
to the children. He'd bring all the children up, and they'd sit
on the floor, and he'd tell them a story. One day he said,
"Boys and girls, I want to tell you a story about someone
who likes to live in the woods, but sometimes we can
see him in our yards. Anybody have any idea who I am
talking about?"
No takers. He said, "I want to tell you about a creature
that lives in the woods and sometimes in our yards, has a
big bushy tail, likes to eat nuts. Anybody have any idea
what I'm talking about?"
No takers. He said, "I'm talking about a creature that
lives in the woods, sometimes in our yards, big bushy tail,
eats nuts, likes to climb trees, jumps from tree to tree--now,
does anybody know what I'm talking about?"
One kid raised his hand to take him out of his misery.
The pastor said, "Do you know what I'm thinking about?"
The kid said, "Yeah. I know the answer should be Jesus,
but it sounds like a squirrel to me."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
349.
350.
lawyer phoned the governor’s mansion shortly after midnight. “I need to talk to the governor, it’s an emergency!” exclaimed the lawyer. After some cajoling, the governor’s assistant agreed to wake him up. “So, what is it that’s so important that it can’t wait until morning?” grumbled the governor. “Judge Pierson just died, and I want to take his place,” beg the attorney. “Well, it’s OK with me if it’s OK with the mortuary,” replied the governor.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
351.
352.
The warden, addressing the three instigators of a failed
prison riot, said, "I would like to know two things.
First: Why did you revolt?
Second: How did you get out of your cell?"
One of the three men stepped forward, "Warden, we rebelled
because the food is awful."
"I see. And what did you use to break the bars?" the warden
asked.
Replied the spokesman, "French Toast..." (In India we can say – the Chappathi)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
353.
A guy is 81 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in
his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me
up."
He looked around! and couldn't see any one. He thought he
was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a
frog.
The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then,
kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have
ever seen."
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over,
picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast
pocket.
Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear
what I said? I said kiss me and I will become the most
beautiful woman you've ever seen!"
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at
my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
355
Some farmers were standing around shooting the breeze one
day when the topic came around to animals and their
distinguishing traits.
The group agreed that the dog was probably the most loyal
animal and the mule was undoubtedly the most stubborn.
Farmer Jones piped in, "You know, I believe probably the
friendliest animal in all God's creation is the goose."
The others wanted to know how he arrived at such a
conclusion.
"Well," explained Farmer Jones, "I was out standing in my
corn the other day, and a whole flock of 'em came by
overhead. And, do you know, every single one of 'em honked
and waved!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
356
After dating a young lady for some time a young man decides it is time to marry her.
He proceeds with all the necessary plans and finally the day comes.
On the day of the wedding the young man has yet to pay the pastor for performing the ceremony. However the pastor has a plan.
The service proceeds as planned the vows are exchanged etc. Now it is time for the groom to kiss his bride. The pastor sees this as the perfect opportunity to ask to be paid. He pulls the young man aside and asks him. Can you please pay me?
Not wanting to create a seen the young man asked. How much do I owe you?
The pastor thinks quickly and replies, pay me according to your wife's beauty.
The young man discretely pulled out five dollars and gave it to the pastor.
Although annoyed by this, the pastor continues the ceremony and says; you may now kiss the bride. At this point the veil is lifted from the brides face to allow the groom to kiss her. As the groom is about to kiss his new bride the pastor interrupts and promptly hand the groom four dollars and fifty cents.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
357.
Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"
Patton said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Kathleen said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ..... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
358
For months he had been her devoted admirer. Now, at
long last, he had collected up sufficient courage to
ask her the most momentous of all questions:
"There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor,"
he began, "but there comes a time when one longs for the
companionship of another being -- a being who will regard
one as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one's
absolute own; who will be kind and faithful when times
are hard; who will share one's joys and sorrows."
To his delight he saw a sympathetic gleam in her eyes.
Then she nodded in agreement.
Finally, she responded, "I think its a great idea! Can
I help you choose which puppy to buy?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
359
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a Jake had proposed to young Gina and was being interviewed
by his prospective father-in-law.
"Do you think you are earning enough to support a family?"
the older man asked the suitor.
"Yes, sir," replied Jake, "I'm sure I am."
"Think carefully now," said Gina's father. "There are
twelve of us..."tourist
capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of
alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.
Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the
tourist shouted, "are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "Ain't been any for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming toward the
shore. As he got closer to shore he shouted to the guy
again "What did you do to get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The
sharks got 'em all."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
360
General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and
he was visiting his colleague General Marshall,
who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrives
at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall.
They both walk around the place, and McKensie
asks: "So how are your men?"
"Very well trained, Gral. McKenzie."
"I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are
so well trained, you could see they're the bravest
men all over the country." "Well, my men are very
brave, too."
"I'd like to see that."
So Marshall calls private Cooper and says: "Private
Johnson! I want you to stop that tank coming here
with your body!"
"Are you crazy? It'd kill me, you idiot! I'm out of
here!" As private Johnson ran away, Marshall turned
to a bewildered McKenzie and said:
"You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like
that to a general."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
361
A middle-aged man wasn't feeling well, so he went to the
doctor for a check-up. After a thorough examination, the
doctor said, "Well, based on my examination, the best thing
for you is to cut out all sweets and fatty foods, give up
alcohol, and stop smoking."
The man said, "Well, to be honest with you, Doc, I don't
deserve the best. What's the second best?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
362
363
364
365
366
A man takes his hamster to the vet, and after a short look at the creature the vet pronounces it dead. Not happy with the vet's diagnosis the man asks for a second opinion. The vet gives a whistle and in strolls a Labrador dog. The dog nudges the hamster around with its nose and sniffs it a couple of times before shaking his head. "There" says the vet,” Your hamster is dead". Still not happy the man asks for a third opinion. The vet opens the back door and in bounds a cat. The cat jumps onto the table and looks the hamster up and down for a few minutes before looking up and shaking it's head. "It's definitely dead sir", says the vet. Convinced, the man enquires how much he owes. "That will be £1000, please". "A £1000 just to tell me my hamster is dead" fumes the man. "Well", says the vet, "There's my diagnosis, the lab report and the cat scan"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
567
368
A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"
"Under the wagon."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
369
skydiver is enjoying his free-fall, when he realizes that he has reached the altitude where he must open his parachute, he pulls the ripcord, but nothing happens. “No problem,” he says to himself, “I still have my emergency chute.” So he pulls the ripcord on his emergency parachute, and once again, nothing happens. Now the man begins to panic. “What am I going to do?” He thinks. “I’m a goner.”
Just then, he sees a man flying up from the earth toward him. He can’t figure out where this man is coming from or what he’s doing, but he says to himself, “I hope he can help me. If he can’t, then I’m in real trouble.” When the man gets close enough to him, the skydiver cups his hands and shouts, “Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?”
The man coming up cups his hands and yells back, “No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
370
A male frog goes to a psychic. The psychic tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog becomes excited, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"
"No," says the psychic, "in her biology class."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
371.
372
Peter called his doctor’s office for an appointment. “I’m sorry,” said the receptionist, “we can’t fit you in for at least two weeks.”
“But I could be dead by then!”
“No problem. If your wife lets us know, we’ll cancel the appointment.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
373
374
Recently on a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood bar the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different
vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into. He was
there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove
off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry
night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn, and then
switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed
a little, and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up
his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over
and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer
indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the
Police Station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."
1. A Russian explorer and a local Eskimo were hunting Polar Bears together in the arctic.
The Russian saw a Polar Bear and shouted to the Eskimo. The Eskimo shouted 'Run After Me' and started running back towards the base. The Russian was shocked at the cowardice of the Eskimo and turned round and shot the bear instead of running. The Eskimo heard the shot and went back and rebuked the Russian. 'You Russians don't know much about hunting Polar Bears'. Now you will have to drag the dead bear 20kms by yourself.
**********************************************************************************
2. Two men were in a restaurant and ordered fish. The waiter
brought a dish with two fish, one larger than the other. One
of the men said to the other, "Please help yourself."
The other one said "Okay," and helped himself to the larger fish.
After a tense silence, the first one said, "Really, now, if
you had offered me the first choice, I would have taken the
smaller fish!"
The other one replied, "What are you complaining for; you
have it, don't you?
********************************************************************
3. A fellow went to the doctor, who told him that he had a bad
illness and only a year to live. So the fellow decided to
talk to his pastor. After the man explained his situation,
he asked his pastor if there was anything he could do.
"What you should do is go out and buy a late 70's or early
80's model Dodge pickup," said the pastor. "Then go get
married to the meanest woman you can find, and buy
yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle of
Oklahoma."
The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?"
"No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do
have seem like forever."
***********************************************************************
4 . Three boys were discussing the achievements of their fathers. Said one,
My father can write a newspaper story and get $ 25 for it.
" The second piped up with, " My father can write a piece of music
and get $100 for it.
The third of the group said, " My father can preach a sermon,
and it takes a dozen men to bring in the money."
**************************************************************************
5. A beggar found Rs. 100. He decided to have a great dinner at a five star hotel.
He went to the hotel & enjoyed the dinner. When the bill came he said
'I have no money'The manager called the police &
handed over the beggar to them.
The beggar gave rs. 100 to the polceman & was set free.
Indian police sadev aam admi ke saath.
***********************************************************************
6. ** What does a
Sardar do after taking a xerox? He will compare it with the
original for any spelling mistakes.
** Why can't sardars
dial Nine-Eleven (9/11) at emergency? They cannot find the eleven
on the phone.
** Sardar and his wife buy coffee in a shop.
Sardar: Drink quickly. Wife: Why? Sardar: Hot coffee Rs 5 and
cold coffee Rs 10.
** Sardar at an Art Gallery: I suppose
this horrible looking thing is what you call modern art?
Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, that is a mirror !
**Sardar visits Chinese friend dying in hospital. Man says "Chin
Yu Yan" and dies. Sardar goes to China to find meaning of
friend's Last Words. It is "You are standing on the oxygen
tube!"
** Sardarji was standing in front of the mirror with
his eyes closed. Wife: What you are doing? Sardar: I am seeing
how I look while sleeping.**
*******************************************************************************
7. Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about a pastor.
He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not come down.
The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten. He did all this, checking his progress in the car frequently, then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten.
But as he moved a little further forward....the rope broke. The tree went "boing!" and the kitten instantly sailed through the air-out of sight. The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to Your keeping," and went on about his business.
A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. Now this woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, "Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?"
She replied, "You won't believe this," and told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the mom finally told her little girl, "Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it." (You can see where this is going). She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws spread out, and landed right in front of her."
*******************************************************************************
8. After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
and I wanted to stay with you guys."
*********************************************************************
9. Burial in Jerusalem
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem.
While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband,
"You can have her buried here in the Holy Land
for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5000.
The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have
her shipped back home. The undertaker asked him,
"Why would you spend $5000 to have her shipped home
when you could have a beautiful burial here,
and it would only cost $150?"
the husband replied, "Long ago, I heard that a man died here,
was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead.
I just can't take that chance!
****************************************************************************
10. Carol's Gun
Rummaging through her attic one day,
my friend Carol found an old shotgun.
Unsure how to dispose of it, she called her parents.
"Take it to the police station," her mother suggested.
My friend was about to hang up when her mom added....
"And, Carol?"
"Yes, mom?"
"Call them first and let them know you're coming."
********************************************************************
11. A woman is walking along a beach when she finds an old oil lamp.
She picks it up and rubs it, and out comes a genie.
The genie says to the woman,
"Thank you for freeing me from the oil lamp.
I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for,
your horrible ex-husband will get twice as much.
What is your first wish?"
The woman says,
"I'd like a million dollars in my bank account, please!"
The genie says, "You now have a million dollars in your bank account,
and your ex-husband now has two million dollars.
What is your second wish?"
The woman says, "I've always wanted a nice car.
I'd like a brand new Rolls-Royce, please!"
The genie says, "You now have a new Rolls-Royce in your garage at home,
and your ex-husband now has two new Rolls-Royces.
What is your third wish?"
The woman thought for a while and then said,
"I'd like you to remove one of my kidneys, please!"
*******************************************************************************
12. A man dies and goes to hell.
There he finds that there is different hell for each country
and decides he'll pick the least painful to spend his eternity.
He goes to American hell and asks, "What do they do here?"
He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.
Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.
Then the American devil comes in and whips you for the rest of th...e day".
The man does not like the sound of that at all so he moves on.
He checks out the Australian hell as well as the Russian hell and many more.
He discovers that they are all similar to the American hell.
Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that
there is a long line of people waiting to get in.
Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?"
He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour,
then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.
The Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
But that is exactly the same as all the other hells
why are there so many people waiting to get in?" asked the man.
"Because there is never any electricity so the electric chair does not work.
The nails were paid for but never supplied,
so the bed is comfortable to sleep on.
And the Indian devil used to be a civil servant,
so he comes in,
signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business."
****************************************************************************
13. Wife: Honey...... What are You Looking for?
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: Nothing...?? You have been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.
Husband: I was just looking 4 the expiry date.
*****************************************************************************
14. Saas ki Demand. (mother in law's demand)
Ladki
Khubsurat ho _ bride beautiful
Ameer ho - rich
Padhi likhi ho- educated
... Kam umar ho - young
Kam bolti ho - not speaking much
Ghar ke kam me mahir ho - expert in keeping the house and cooking
Ladki ki Demand - girl's demand
Saas photo frame me ho. (Mother in law in a photo frame.)
***************************************************************************
15. *Sardar: I haven't slept all nite in the train. Friend:
Why? Sardar: Got upper berth. Friend: Why didn't u exchange?
Sardar: Oye! There was nobody to exchnge in the lower berth.
** Sardarji standing below a tube light with an open mouth.
Why? Because his doctor advised him: "Today's dinner should be
light!"
** A teacher told all students in a class to write
an essay on a cricket match. All were busy writing except one
Sardarji. He wrote: "Due To
Rain, No Match!"
*************************************************************************
16. Sandra was out driving her car and while stopped at a
red light, the car just died. It was a busy intersection,
and the traffic behind her starting growing.
red light, the car just died. It was a busy intersection,
and the traffic behind her starting growing.
The guy in the car directly behind her started honking his
horn continuously as Sandra tried desperately to get the
car to start up again. Finally she got out of her car and
approached the guy in the car behind her.
horn continuously as Sandra tried desperately to get the
car to start up again. Finally she got out of her car and
approached the guy in the car behind her.
"I can't seem to get my car started," Sandra said, smiling.
"Would you be a sweetheart and go and see if you can get
it started for me? I'll stay here in your car and lean on
your horn for you."
"Would you be a sweetheart and go and see if you can get
it started for me? I'll stay here in your car and lean on
your horn for you."
*********************************************************************
17. After trying a new shampoo for the first time,
Karen fired off an enthusiastic letter of approval
to the manufacturer.
Karen fired off an enthusiastic letter of approval
to the manufacturer.
Several weeks later she came home from work to
a large box in the middle of the living room floor.
Inside were free samples of the many products
that the company produced: bath soaps, detergents,
shampoo, powders, tooth paste, and paper items.
a large box in the middle of the living room floor.
Inside were free samples of the many products
that the company produced: bath soaps, detergents,
shampoo, powders, tooth paste, and paper items.
"Well, what do you think?"
her husband Mike, asked smiling.
her husband Mike, asked smiling.
"Next time," Karen replied.
"I'm writing to General Motors!"
"I'm writing to General Motors!"
**************************************************************************
18. I should have known better than to take my
four-year-old son shopping with me. I spent
the entire time in the mall chasing after him.
Finally, I'd had it. "Do you want a stranger
to take you?!" I scolded.
four-year-old son shopping with me. I spent
the entire time in the mall chasing after him.
Finally, I'd had it. "Do you want a stranger
to take you?!" I scolded.
Thrilled, he yelled back, "Will he take me to
the zoo?"
the zoo?"
**********************************************************************
19. Once upon a time there was a Prince who,
through no fault of his own was cast
under a spell by an evil witch.
The curse was that the Prince could speak only
one word each year.
However, he could save up the words so
that if he did not
speak for a whole year,
then the following year he was allowed to speak two
words.
(This was before the time of letter writing or sign language.)
One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes,)
and fell madly in love.
With the greatest difficulty he decided
to refrain from
speaking for two whole years so
that he could look at her and say
"my darling".
But at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her.
Because
of this he waited three more years without speaking
( bringing the total number
of silent years to 5).
But at the end of these five years he realized that he had to ask her to
marry him.
So he waited ANOTHER four years without speaking.
Finally as the ninth year of silence ended,
his joy knew no bounds.
Leading
the lovely princess to the most secluded
and romantic place in that beautiful
royal garden
the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap,
knelt before her,
and taking her hand in his, said huskily,
"My darling, I love you! Will you
marry me?"
And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear,
opened
her sapphire eyes in wonder,
and parting her ruby lips, said: "Pardon?"
**********************************************************************
20. Dad: When I beat u, how do u control your anger?
son: I start cleaning the toilet.
Dad: ok, how does it satisfy you?
Son:I clean with your toothbrush.
20. Dad: When I beat u, how do u control your anger?
son: I start cleaning the toilet.
Dad: ok, how does it satisfy you?
Son:I clean with your toothbrush.
*******************************************************************
21. Joe was a single guy living at home with his father
and working in the family business
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sick father died,
he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment seminar
he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her beauty took his breath away
"I may look like just an ordinary man,
" he said to her, "but in just a few years,
my father will pass on,
and I'll inherit his large fortune."
Impressed, the woman took his business card and three months later,
she became Joe's stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men.
**************************************************************************
22. During a visit to the retirement home, I asked the director,
"How do you determine whether or not a person should be institutionalized?"
"Well," said the Director, "We fill up a bathtub,
and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient
and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said.
"A normal person would use the bucket
because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
The Director responded "No, a normal person would pull the plug.
Would you like a room with a window?"
**********************************************************************
23. Self Esteem
My mom strives to give her children a healthy sense
of self esteem. She didn't realize how well she'd
succeeded until one night after she'd tucked
in my sister, Jane.
Leaving the room she called, "I love you, Jane!"
and paused for the reply.
"I love me, too!" Jane sang out.
********************************************************************
24. Hen Thief
A minister in a little church had been having
trouble with the collections.
One Sunday he announced, "Now, before we pass
the collection plate, I would like to request
that the person who stole the chickens from
Farmer Condill's henhouse please refrain from
giving any money to the Lord. The Lord doesn't
want money from a thief!"
The collection plate was passed around, and for
the first time in months everybody gave.
**************************************************************************
25. At the barbershop recently,
a father came in with his two sons,
about 10 and 12 years of age. He got both boys settled
into barber chairs and then proceeded to tell the barbers
how he wanted their hair cut.
The younger boy didn't pay much attention.
But the older boy turned to his barber and said,
"Make me look good for the girls,
not for my dad!"
**************************************************************************
26. Kashmir
At the urging of his doctor, Mr. Singh moved from Rajasthan to Kashmir.
After settling in, he met a neighbor who was also an older man, a Singh.
"Say, is this really a healthy place?"
"It sure is," the man replied.
"When I first arrived here I couldn't say one word.
I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the
strength to walk across a room and I had to be lifted
out of bed."
"That's wonderful!" said Mr Singh. "How long have you been here?"
"I was born here."
********************************************************************
27. A woman, searching for a job, inquired about the benefits.
The Personnel Manager informed her they had group health
and life insurance, but the costs were deducted from the
employee's pay.
She said, "My last employer had full health coverage, as
well as five years salary for life insurance and a month's
sick leave AND they paid the full premiums."
"I can't help but asking madam why you would leave a job
with such benefits," the interviewer replied.
The woman shrugged her shoulders and said, "The company
went bankrupt."
******************************************************************
28. A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired
about the lawyer's rates.
"$250 for three questions," replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what is your third
question?"
***************************************************************
29. A social worker who had recently transferred from the big city to the mountains was touring her new territory. She came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen. Intrigued, she knocked on the door.
"Anybody home?"
A child's voice answered, "Yep."
"Is your father there?"
"Pa? Nope, he left before Ma came in."
"Well, is your mother there?"
"Nope, Ma left just before I got here."
"Are you never together as a family?"
"Sure, but not here. This is the outhouse!" (Toilet)
**************************************************************************
30. Good Morning
Before I leave for work, I wake my children with
a hug and a kiss and wish them a good day.
One evening before bedtime, I told them I'd be
leaving 45 minutes earlier in the morning. My
son promptly gave me a hug and a kiss and said,
"Good morning, Mom."
At my quizzical look, he explained: "Now you
don't have to wake me before you go."
*********************************************************************
31. My son, Scott, an insurance broker in Florida,
loves ocean fishing and takes his cell phone along on the boat.
One morning we were drifting about ten miles offshore
as Scott discussed business on the phone.
Suddenly his rod bent double, and the reel screamed as line poured off the spool.
Scott was master of the situation.
"Pardon me," he told his customer calmly.
"I have a call on another line."
************************************************************************
32. Memory
When the patient was wheeled into the delivery room,
she told me, "I remember you from the last time I gave birth."
I was thrilled, especially since it had been a few years.
"Do you really remember me?" I asked, milking it.
"Yes. You're the nurse who ate all my candy."
**********************************************************************
33. Wedding Dress Fit?
When Annie was planning her upcoming wedding,
she asked to wear her mother's wedding dress.
She went to try it on and the gown was a
perfect fit on her petite frame.
As her mother's eyes welled up with tears,
Annie put an arm around her.
"You're not losing a daughter", she reminded
her mother in time-honored fashion,
"you're gaining a son."
"Oh forget about that!" said her mother
with a sob, "I used to fit into that dress!"
******************************************************************
34. 'CrrrrraaaaaccccK!'
When I woke up this morning,
I lifted my arms,
I moved my knees,
I turned my neck....
Everything made the same noise:
' CrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaccccK!'
..I came to a conclusion:
I'm not old, I'm crispy!!!
*************************************************************************
35. A Sheikh was admitted at the Lilavati Hospital in
Mumbai for a heart transplant, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arises. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally. So the call went out to a number of countries.
Finally a malayalee named Dineshan,fromTrichur,
Kerala was located who had a similar type of
blood.
Dineshan willingly donated his blood for the Sheikh.
After the surgery, the Sheikh sent Dineshan, as appreciation for giving his blood, a new Toyota Prado, diamonds, lapiz lazuri jewellery, and a Million Dinars.
Once again the Sheikh had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned Dineshan who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Sheikh sent Dineshan a thank you card and a pack of Banana halwa sweets.
Dineshan was shocked to see that the Sheikh this time did not reciprocate Dineshan's kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Sheikh and said "This time also I thought that you would give me Toyota Prado, Diamonds and Jewellery... .
But you gave only a thank you card and a pack of Banana halwa.
At this the Sheikh replied:
" Mone Dineshaa... now I have a malayalee's blood in my veins!"
**********************************************************************
36. I was sprawled on the living-room couch watching my
favorite show on the Food Network when my husband
walked in.
"Why do you watch those food shows?" he asked. "You
don't even cook."
Glaring back at him, I asked, "Then why do you watch
football?"
***********************************************************************
37. NO REASON FOR OFFERTORY
As an usher passing the collection plate on Sunday,
I waited while a couple who had given their daughter
a dime struggled to get her to let go of it.
As they pried for it from her fingers, she angrily yelled,
“ I don’t see why I have to pay anything,
I didn’t want to come here anyway!”
********************************************************************
38. While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office,
a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room.
As she went to the receptionist's desk,
the man sat there, alone and silent.
Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him,
a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair.
Placing his hand on the man's, he said,
"I know how you feel.
My mom makes me ride in the stroller, too."
*************************************************************************
39. You Should Be. . .
My daughter Dauna, had been teaching her Grade 3
and 4 students how pioneer families lived. They
studied pioneer clothes and manners, as well as
how they celebrated holidays. Dauna decided to
prepare a pioneer dinner for her classes, with
mothers helping to heat and serve the feast.
At the end of the meal, one boy raised his hand.
"Yes, Michael?" Dauna asked.
"Oh, Mrs. Meeks! This was the best dinner I've
ever had in my life! You shouldn't be a teacher;
you should be looking after our cafeteria!"
***************************************************************************
40. A Drug Enforcement officer stops at a ranch in Texas and talks with an old rancher.
He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.
" The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there,
" as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying,
"Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.
" Reaching into his rear pants pocket,
he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher.
"See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... on any land.
No questions asked or answers given.
Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and
sees the DEA officer running for his life chased
by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer,
and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety.
The officer is clearly terrified.
The rancher throws down his tools,
runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
" Your badge. Show him your BADGE ! "
*******************************************************************************
41. RSS meet spews hate venom
November 17, 2011 by admin
The RSS Chief Mohan Bhagwat
Madhya Pradesh, November 16, 2011: RSS held its National level annual meeting in Indore 11-13th November in Indore Madhya Pradesh. About 11,000 participants took part. This is a small turn out considering the BJP government of MP was fully backing it. The RSS chief Mohan Bhagwat along with his team dressed in the British and best Khaki shorts and shirts were there and so were the participants who were mostly older people with very few of the younger generation. The younger people are out there wearing jeans and T shirts and studying in English schools and eating pasta and burgers.
Shivraj Singh Chouhan the Chief minister of MP along with other ministers represented the political wing. The main topic this time was the menace of Missionary activity, conversion and English education. The Muslims did not figure significantly in the main agenda this time.
RSS claims to have 1,57,000 Shakhas (cells) all over India which incidentally is probably much less than the number of exploding cell churches. So there is good reason for them to be concerned.
The Theme of the gathering was, "Waman Drishti" meaning Waman vision. Waman is actually means Brahman. Waman was the incarnation of Vishnu the favorite God of Brahmans, who incarnated to kill Baliraja a righteous king, somewhere in Konkan area and destroy the kingdom and install supremacy of Brahmans.
Malyalis celebrate this as Onam while Maharashtrians Brahmin women celebrate by killing a cow dung statue of Baliraja while shudra women celebrate waman dahan (death to Waman) saying alay balay jai, Bali ka raj aaye, meaning all rubbish to go and the kingdom of Baliraja must come back again.
Mahatma Jotiba Phule has fully exposed this Brahman conspiracy in his writings on Slavery. In fact he believed that missionaries are the resurrected Balraja who are bringing justice to the oppressed people. Some in fact believe that Jesus is the Baliraja, as the King who became a sacrifice.
Sadly many of the RSS delegates who are shudras (untouchables) do not know the history nor do they understand the implication of Waman Drishti which is to reimpose the Brahman hegemony. Christianity and English education of the lower castes presents a great threat to their designs. However it is good to note the the RSS is on the decline. This could also mean that they will become more aggressive if not violent. We need to pray and praise God.
- v.choudurie
******************************************************************************
42. The man charged into the jewelry shop,
slammed his fists angrily on the showcase,
removed a wristwatch from his
pocket and shook it under the nose of the owner.
“You said this watch would last me a lifetime,” he yelled.
“Yeah,” admitted the owner.
“But you looked pretty sick the day you bought it.”
******************************************************************************
43. While waiting in line at the bank,
a co-worker developed a very loud case of hiccups.
By the time he reached the teller's window,
the hiccups seemed to have worsened.
The teller took my friend's check and
proceeded to run a computer verification of his account.
After a minute she looked up from her terminal with a frown
and said that she would be unable to cash his check.
"Why not?" my friend asked incredulously.
"I'm sorry, sir," she replied, "but our computer indicates
that you do not have sufficient funds to cover this amount.
As a matter of fact," she continued,
"our records show your account overdrawn in excess of $5000."
"It can't be!" he cried. "You have to be kidding!"
"Yes, I am," she answered with a smile,
counting out his cash.
"But you will notice that your hiccups are gone."
******************************************************************************
44. My puppy chewed the tongue on one of my new,
expensive running shoes.
I hoped to save my investment,
so I took them to a shoe repair shop.
I placed the shoes on the counter and told the man,
"My dog got hold of this."
The repairman picked up the shoe,
looked it over, and placed it back down on the counter.
"Well, what do you recommend?" I asked.
He looked at me and replied, "Give your dog the other shoe."
*****************************************************************************
45. A teacher sees a lad entering the classroom –
his hands were dirty.
She stopped him and said, “John,
please wash your hands.
My goodness, what would you say if I came
into the room with hands like that?”
Smiling the boy replied,
“I think I’d be too polite to mention it.”
**************************************************************************
46. My friend's four boys were young and bursting with energy,
especially in church. But the sermon her minister preached
on "turning the other cheek" got their undivided attention.
The minister stressed that no matter what others do to us,
we should never try to "get even."
That afternoon the youngest boy came into the house crying.
Between sobs he told his mother he had kicked one of his brothers,
who had kicked him in return"I'm sorry you're hurt,
" his mother said. "But you shouldn't go around kicking people."
To which the tearful child replied,
"But the preacher said he isn't supposed to kick me back."
************************************************************************
47. Source For Accurate Weather To tell the weather,
go to your back door and look for the dog.
If the dog is at the door and he is wet,
it's probably raining.
But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet,
it is probably raining really hard.
If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way,
it's probably windy.
If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.
Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this,
you have to leave the dog outside all the time,
especially if you expect bad weather.
Sincerely, The CAT One day Husband Comes home from
"Family Seminar of pg vargis”
He greets his Wife & lifts her up,
Then carries her around the house with a big smile.
Wife is so surprised & she asks:
"Did PG Uncle preach something about being Romantic today?”
He said: "No....
PG Uncle taught that we must carry our burdens
& sorrows with a SMILE and joy."
*******************************************************************
48. You can change this to cricket to Indianize it.
Run A small social club was trying to organize a baseball team.
They could only muster eight players,
but finally found a ninth to play.
In desperation, they called on a new member,
an Englishman, to join their team.
During their first game, the Englishman came to bat.
On the first pitch, he knocked the ball out of the park.
"Run!" his team-mates cried. "For Pete's sake,
run!
The Brit turned and stared at them icily.
"I jolly well shan't run," he replied.
"Why should I?
I'm perfectly willing to buy you chaps another ball."
********************************************************************
49. was the new teacher for the toddler-age Sunday school class,
which included my 14-month-old daughter.
During a lesson on creation, I'd ask questions like,
"Who made the trees?" or "Who made the sun?
" and the children would respond, "God did."
I was pleased the children learned quickly that God made everything.
Teaching lessons at home was more of a challenge.
I had tried hard to teach my daughter to pick up her toys,
and she wasn't learning very quickly. One day
I walked into the living room to find toys scattered everywhere.
In exasperation I asked, "Who made this mess?"
My daughter looked at me with a proud smile and said, "God did!"
*****************************************************************************
50. Here is a western joke. I heard it from Jack Hayford in 1999 at Manila, Philippines .
One day a visiting preacher started his sermon.
His subject was, 'who you are in Christ'.
In the middle of the sermon he told,
"You are a child of God,
saved and sanctified by the Blood of Jesus Christ.
You are a saint. Believe it and act it.
Now you turn to the person next to you and introduce yourself -
I am a saint and say 'I am Saint and say your name.
I am Saint Matthew, I am Saint Hannah and so on. Go ahead.
" He watched. Every one was doing it except a man in the front.
The preacher encouraged that man and said,
"My brother I understand your apprehension.
It is OK. We all have short comings .
None of us are perfect.
But God made us saints and we must say that and confess it.
Go ahead and - let us do it again.
Each person tell to another person that you are Saint and say your name also.
" Still that man was standing like a pillar a bit worried and won't say it.
The preacher went to that man to explain it.
That man said, "I cant say that.
My name is Bernard."
****************************************************************************
51. NOT TO DISTURB SLEEP
The preacher was most annoyed to find an elderly man falling asleep during his sermon every Sunday. So, after service one day, he said to little Gerald accompanying him, “ If you can keep your grandfather awake, I’ll pay you a quarter.”
This worked for two weeks; the aged man was very alert and listened to the sermons attentively. On the third Sunday, however, the preacher found that the old man had fallen asleep.
After the service he sent for the boy and said, “ I am very angry with you. Didn’t I promise you a quarter a week to keep your grandfather awake?”
“Yes, “ replied the boy, but grandpa gives me a dollar not to disturb him.”
***************************************************************************
52. A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak
with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no, no!" said the man.
"I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I've been trying to do that for years!"
****************************************************************************
53. It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,
"What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early,
" replied the defendant.
"That's no offense," said the judge.
"How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened."
******************************************************************************
54. Q: What does every woman call an intelligent,
attractive, caring, loving and sensitive man?
A: A dream.
***************************************************************************
55. A Saudi Prince went to Germany to study.
A month later,
he sends a letter to his dad saying,
"Berlin is wonderful,
people are nice and I really like it here,
but I'm a bit ashamed to arrive to school with
my gold Mercedes when all my teachers travel by train."
Sometime later he gets a letter from his dad with a
ten million dollar check saying,
"Stop embarrassing us,
go and get yourself a train too!"
**************************************************************************
56. An Israeli doctor says:
"Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man,
put it in another, and have him looking for work in 6 weeks.
" A British doctor says: "That is nothing;
we can take a lung out of one person,
put it in another, and have him looking for work in 4 weeks.
" A Canadian doctor says:
"In my country, medicine is so advanced
that we can take half a heart out of one person,
put it in another, and have them both looking for work in 2 weeks.
" A Nigerian doctor, not to be outdone, says:
"You guys are way behind......
We just took a man with NO brain, made him President,
and now the whole country is looking for work.
***************************************************************************
57. These bear hunters were sitting around the cabin
the night before the hunt bragging about their passt hunts.
The cabin boy was listening and went over and said
"you guys make it seem pretty hard on capturing a bear".
They all laughed and said "it is hard; do you think you could bag one"?
"I can go out and bag you 2 if you will skin them,
and I will bet each of you $100.00.
They agreed and off he went out into the night.
Soon he spotted a big grizzly;
he waved his arm and started hollering the big bear started after him
and he started running for the shack.
When he got close to the shack he started yelling.
"Open the door he yelled".
They looked out and saw the bear chasing the boy.
Just as he got to the door they opened it
and he stepped aside and the bear went in.
He slammed the door and locked it and shouted.
"OK skin him I'll go and get the other one".
*****************************************************************************
58. A young bride tells her friend,
“Paul keeps telling everyone he’s going to marry the most beautiful girl in the world.”
“ What a shame! And after all the time you’ve been engaged!”
***************************************************************************
59. Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7,8,9.
7 ATE NINE (7 EIGHT NINE)
*****************************************************************************
60. Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip
to their local police station where they saw pictures
tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and
asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.
'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?’
****************************************************************************
61. Shut Up and Trouble were walking down a path.
Trouble got lost. So, Shut Up went to the police officer.
The police officer asked, "What's your name?"
He answered, "Shut Up."
He asked again "What's your name?""Shut Up."
The police officer asked, "Are you looking for trouble?!"
"Yeah, I lost him down a path about two miles ago."
************************************************************************
62. An Irishman was stumbling through the woods,
totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost over-come by the smell of alcohol,
where upon he asks the drunk,
'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
The drunken shouts, 'Yes, oi am.'
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother, have you found Jesus?'
The drunken replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.'
The preacher shocked at the answer,
dunks him into the water again for a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks again,
'Have you found Jesus my brother?'
The Irish again answers, 'No, oi I haven't found Jesus.'
By this time, the preacher is at his wits end
and dunks the Irish in the water again ---
but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and
when he begins kicking his arms and legs, he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the Irish, 'For the love of God,
have you found Jesus?'
The Irish wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
"Are you sure, dis is where he fell in?"
*************************************************************************
63. A school teacher injured his back and
had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.
It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.
On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt,
he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom,
he opened the window as wide as possible
and then busied himself with desk work.
When a strong breeze made his tie flap,
he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
He had no trouble with discipline that term.
**********************************************************************
64. A young IRS agent decided to get his first tailor made suit.
So he went to the finest tailor in townand got measured for a suit.
A week later he went in for his first fitting.
He put on the suit and he looked stunning,
he felt that in this suit he can do business.
As he was preening himself in front of the mirror
he reached down to put his hands in the pockets
and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets.
He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him,
"Didn't you tell me you were an IRS agent?"
The young man answered, "Yes, I did."
To this the tailor said, "Who ever heard of an IRS
agent with his hands in his own pockets?"
( IRS in US – income tax department in India.
Now change into police officer etc)
***************************************************************************
65. One day the school principal was talking to Little
Johnny's teacher about his behavior,
when all of a sudden Johnny comes running down the hallway.
The principal stops Johnny and asks him,
"Why are you running?"
Little Johnny says, "I’m keeping two kids from fighting, sir."
"Who?" asked the principal.
"Me and the kid chasing me!" and off he went.
****************************************************************************
66. After tucking their three-year-old child,
Tyler, in for bed one night,
his parents heard sobbing coming from his room.
Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically.
He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny
and he was sure he was going to die.
No amount of talking was helping.
His father, in an attempt to calm him down,
palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Tyler's ear.
Tyler was delighted.
In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand,
swallowed, and then cheerfully demanded,
"Do it again, Dad!"
***************************************************************************
67. A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital ER.
The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a
heart transplant right away.
Another doctor runs into the room and says,
"You're in luck -- two hearts just becameavailable,
so you will get to choose which one you want.
One belongs to an attorney and the other to a social worker.
The man quickly responds, "The attorney's."
The doctor says, "Wait! Don't you want to know a little
about them before you make your decision?"
The man says, "I already know enough.
We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts
and the attorney probably never used his .
So I'll take the attorney's heart!"
*************************************************************************
68. Two Good Questions
A surgeon examined a new patient most carefully.
After studying the x-rays,
he turned to the man and said...
"Could you pay for an operation if I told you it was necessary?"
The patient thought for a moment, then said to the doctor:
"Would you find one necessary if I told you I couldn't pay for it?"
************************************************************************
69. Why did Mickey Mouse go to space? .....................
To visit Pluto
*************************************************************************
70. A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband came into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "Careful! Put in some more oil!
Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once.
Too many! Turn them! Turn them now!
You need more oil. Oh my God! Where are we going to get more oil?
The eggs are going to stick! Careful, careful!
I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking!
Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you crazy?
Have you lost your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget that.
Use the salt. Use the Salt! The Salt!"
The wife stared at him angrily, "What is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied,
"I just wanted to show you how it feels like
when I'm DRIVING and you do the same! !
*************************************************************************
71. 1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last; thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm,
but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable,except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares,try missing a couple of payments.
*********************************************************************
72. The new family in the neighborhood overslept,
and their six-year-old daughter missed her school bus.
The father, though late for work,
said he would drive her if she'd direct him to the school.
They rode several blocks before she told him to turn the first time.
Several blocks later she told him to turn again.
After 20 minutes of turn after turn, they finally reached the school.
At that point, the father realized they were only a few blocks from their home.
Extremely annoyed, he asked his daughter
why she had led him around in such circles.
"But, daddy," the child protested,
"that's the way the school bus goes,
and it's the only way I know."
*******************************************************************
73. The doorbell rang and the lady of the house discovered
a workman, complete with tool chest, on the front porch.
"Madam," he announced, "I'm the piano tuner."
The lady exclaimed, "Why, I didn't send for a piano tuner."
The man replied, "I know you didn't,
but your neighbors did.”
********************************************************************
74. One liners
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering,
'What the heck happened?'
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound.
That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos.
What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
75. How does bill gates enter his office.
Of course he will always use the window.
*******************************************************************************
76. A mother walks into the kitchen and sees her daughter
with the whole box of animal crackers spread on the counter top.
Mother: "Why did you pour out the whole box?"
Daughter: "The box says, 'Do not eat if the seal is broken.
' I'm looking for the seal."
*******************************************************************************
77. When we brought our new-born son to the pediatrician
for his first checkup, the doctor said, "You have a cute baby."
Smiling, I said, "I'll bet you say that to all the newparents."
"No," he replied, "just to those whose babies are really good-looking."
"So what do you say to the others?" I asked.
"He looks just like you."
*******************************************************************************
78 The Drummer As a nightclub owner,
I had hired a drummer and a piano player to entertain my customers.
After several evenings of performances,
I discovered that the drummer had walked away with some of my valuables.
I notified the police and he was subsequently hauled off to jail.
Desperate for another drummer on short notice,
I called a friend who knew some musicians.
"What happened to the drummer you had?" he asked.
"I had him arrested," I replied.
There was a pause on the other end of the phone.
"How badly did he play?"
********************************************************************************
79. A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp.
He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah.
This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these
wishes so you can forget about three.
You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said,
"I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick.
Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?
" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that!
How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific?
Think of how much concrete...how much steel!!
No, think of another wish .
" The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish.
Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times.
My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive.
So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside
and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....
know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....
know how to make them truly happy...."
The genie asked, "Do you want that bridge two lanes or four?"
*******************************************************************************
80. Q. Why did the pig cross the road
A. To prove that he wasn't a chicken
**************************************************************************
81. Two kids were deciding what game to play. One said, “Let’s play doctor.”
“Good idea,” said the other. “You operate, and I’ll sue.”
*********************************************************************
82. A man placed some flowers on the grave of his departed mother
and started back for his car, parked on the cemetery road.
His attention was diverted to a man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity,
and kept repeating, "Why did you die? Why did you die?"
The first man approached him and said,
"Sir, I don't want to interfere with your private grief,
but this demonstration of hurt and pain is more than I've ever seen before.
For whom do you mourn so deeply? Your Child? A parent?
Who, may I ask, lies in that grave?"
The mourner answered, "My wife's first husband! ...
Why did you die? Why did you die?"
***************************************************************************
83. Before going to Europe on business,
a man drives his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank
and asks for an immediate loan of $5,000.
The loan officer, taken aback, requests collateral.
"Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce," the man says.
The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank's
underground parking for safe keeping and gives the man the $5,000.
Two weeks later, the man walks through the bank's doors
and asks to settle up his loan and get his car back.
"That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest,
" the loan officer says. The man writes out a check and starts to walk away.
"Wait, sir," the loan officer says. "You are a millionaire.
Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?" The man smiles,
"Where else could I find a safer place to park
my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"
*****************************************************************************
84. It's all in the punctuation:
An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is nothing."
*************************************************************************
85. Grandpa: boy, how many miles do you walk to school?
Boy: about a half mile.
Grandpa: when I was your age I walked eight miles to school every day.
Boy, what are your grades like?
Boy: they are mostly B's.
Grandpa: when I was your age I got all A's. Boy, have you ever gotten into a fight?
Boy: only two times and the boy beat me up.
Grandpa: When I was your age I was in a fight every day.
Boy, how old are you?
Boy: 9 years old.
Grandpa: when I was your age I was 11
***************************************************************************
86. It was very crowded and noise in this Restaurant
and this blond girl asks the waiter where the restroom was.
And he says: - I can’t hear you!
So she gets close to his ear and asks again: -
Can you please tell me where the ladies room is?
And he replies: - On the other side!
So she turns around and gets close to his other ear,
and asks:-Can you please tell me where the ladies room is, please!
************************************************************************
87. One day an employee came in to work with both of his ears bandaged.
When his boss asked him what happened, he explained:
"Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang
and I accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!"
"Well," the boss said, "that explains one ear, but what
about the other?" "They called back!"
**************************************************************************
88. Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
Sam: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
******************************************************************
89. A woman is walking on the road and a voice shouts out,
"Don't take a step further.
" She obeys and suddenly a ton of bricks fall on the place
where she would have otherwise been.
She thinks she imagined it and keeps walking until suddenly
the voice calls out again"Don't take a step further.
" She stops and a car skids past.
Then suddenly she hears the voice saying
"I am your guardian angel,
and I will warn you before something bad happens to you.
Now do you have any questions to ask me?
" Yes! Shouts the woman,
"Just where were you on my wedding day!"
*****************************************************************************
90. The National Game warden put out a warning to all hikers in his area.
Warning that they should wear small bells on their boots so not to startle the bears.
To distinguish the grizzly bear the notice read--
small bears droppings are small with nut and berries in it.
Grizzly bear droppings are much larger with nuts and berries and little tiny bells in it.
******************************************************************************
91. A salesman telephone a household, and a four-year-old answered.
Salesman: May I speak to your mother?
Child: She is not here.
Salesman: Well, is anyone else there?
Child: My sister
Salesman: O.K., fine. May I speak to her?
Child: I guess so.There was a long silence on the other phone. Then:
Child: Hello?
Salesman: It’s you. I thought you were going to call your sister.
Child: I did. The trouble is: I can’t get her out of the playpen.
**************************************************************************
92. Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is
24 hours a day/seven days a week?
A: A widow.
***************************************************************************
93. During a robbery, one of the robbers mask slid down.
He looked at a man and asked. Did you see my face?
The man said yes! The robber shot him.
Then he asked a woman. Did you see my face?
She said no, but my husband over there did.
***************************************************************************
94. Marriage Jokes :
A man calls home to his wife and says,
"Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada
with my boss and several of his friends.
We'll be gone for a week.
This is a good opportunity for me to get
that promotion I've been wanting,
so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week
and set out my rod and tackle box.
We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up.
Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy
but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked.
The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish.
He says, "Yes!Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike.
But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
The wife replies; "I did, they were in your tackle box."
***************************************************************************
95. A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife:
"Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden.
When is the best time to plant them?"
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail,
replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden.
That is where I hid all the money.
" A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:
"Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened,
some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden.
" The prisoner wrote another letter back:
"Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."
*************************************************************************
96. One friend to another,
“My new horse is very well-mannered.”
“That’s nice.”
“Yes, isn’t it? Every time we come to a jump he stops and lets me go first!”
**************************************************************************
97. A man mentioned to his landlord about the tenants in the apartment over his.
“Many a night they stamp on the floor and shout till midnight.
” When the landlord asked if it bothered him, he replied,
“Not really, for I usually stay up and practice
my trumpet till about that time most every night anyway.”
************************************************************************
98. A New Yorker was forced to take a day off
from work to appear for a minor traffic summons.
He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after
endless hour for his case to be heard.
When his name was called late in the afternoon,
he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned
for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.
"What for?!?!?" he snapped at the judge.
His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud:
"Twenty dollars contempt of court! That's why!"
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented:
"That's all right. You don't have to pay now."
The young man replied, "I know.
But I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."
****************************************************************************
99. One day the school principal was talking to Little Johnny's teacher about his behavior,
when all of a sudden Johnny comes running down the hallway.
The principal stops Johnny and asks him, why are you running?
Little Johnny says; I’m keeping two kids from fighting, sir.
Who? ask the principal. Me and the kid chasing me; and off he went.
****************************************************************************
100. A passerby noticed a couple of city workers working along the city sidewalks.
The man was quite impressed with their hard work,
but he couldn't understand what they were doing.
Finally, he approached the workers and asked,
"I appreciate how hard you're both working, but what the heck are you doing?
It seems that one of you digs a hole,
and then the other guy immediately fills it back up again.
One of the city workers explained,
"The third guy who plants the trees is off sick today."
***************************************************************************
101 Two young boys were spending the night at their
grandparents' house. At bedtime, the two boys
knelt beside their beds to say their prayers.
The youngest one began praying at the top of his
lungs, "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE. I PRAY FOR A
NEW NINTENDO. I PRAY FOR A NEW DVD PLAYER..."
The older brother leaned over and nudged the
younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting
your prayers? God isn't deaf."
To which the little brother replied, "No, but
Gramma is!"
****************************************************************************
102 . A little boy was fascinated as he watched his
mother smooth cold cream on her face.
"Mommy," he asked, "why do you put that stuff
on your face?"
"To make myself beautiful," his mother replied
as she began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Are
you giving up?"
******************************************************************************
103. A surgeon goes to return some books he
borrowed from the library.
The librarian quips after checking the
books. "Sir, your books are always returned
with the last page missing in every single book."
The surgeon replies, "I can't stop myself
from removing an appendix whenever I see one."
**************************************************************************
104. There were 11 people hanging on to a rope that came down from a helicopter.
Ten were men and one woman.
They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't,
the rope would break and everyone would die.
No one could decide who should go.
Finally the woman gave a really touching speech
on how she would give up her life to save the others,
because women were used to giving up things for their husbands
and children and giving in to men.
All of the men started clapping...
**************************************************************************
105. Angry wife to her husband
An Angry Wife To Her Husband 0n Phone:
"Where d Hell Are You ...?"
Husband: Darling You Remember That Jewellery Shop Where You Saw The Diamond Necklace n Totally Fell In Love With It n I Didn't Have Money That Time n I said "Baby It'll Be Yours 1 Day ... "O:)
Wife, With A Smile & Blushing: Yeah I Remember That My Love!
Husband: I‘m in the Pub Just Next To That Shop
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
106. Husband texts to wife on cell..
"Hi, what r u doing Darling?"
Wife: I'm dying..!
Husband jumps with joy but types "Sweet Heart, how can I live without U?"
Wife: "U idiot! I'm dying my hair.."
Husband: "Bloody English Language!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
107.My son, Scott, an insurance broker in Florida,
loves ocean fishing and takes his cell phone
along on the boat. One morning we were drifting
about ten miles offshore as Scott discussed
business on the phone.
Suddenly his rod bent double, and the reel
screamed as line poured off the spool. Scott
was master of the situation. "Pardon me," he
told his customer calmly. "I have a call on
another line."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
108. When you carry the Bible, Satan gets a
headache...... When you open it, he collapses..... When he sees you
reading it, he faints..... When he sees that you are living what you
read, he flees..... And when you are about to forward this message....
He will try and discourage you... I just defeated him!!! Any other takers?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
109. Sunday after church,
A Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.
The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day,
the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him
what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
110 . People want the front of the bus, the
back of the church, and the center of attention.
=======
In my senior year I reluctantly took a required psychology
course. The first day, the professor commented on each
student's major, trying to provoke a response. It was
working - some students were becoming defensive. When it was
my turn, I told him I was a music major.
"So," asked my professor, "what does your father think of
you wasting your education to study music?"
"He's just thankful," I shot back, "that I didn't go into
psychology."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
111. A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question,
"Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!"
said the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
112. The third grade class was being given a course
in first aid. The question was asked, "What
would you do if you had a younger brother who
swallowed the house key?"
After a pause, little Courtney answered, "Easy!
I'd climb through the window!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
113. There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday
and announced to his congregation:
"I have good news and bad news.
The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new gym
- fellowship hall building program.
The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
114. A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city
because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read:
"I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here,
I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note
"I've circled this block for 10 years.
If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job.
Lead us not into temptation."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
115. Husband was seriously ill
Doc to wife: Give him healthy breakfast,
be pleasant & in gud mood,
don’t discuss ur problems,
no tv serial, don’t demand new clothes & gold jewels,
Do this for 1 yr & he will be ok.
On the way home.. Husband: what did the doc say ?
Wife:- .No chance for u to survive
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
116. A woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight.
She'd made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she reported,
and he’d eaten half of it at dinner.
The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half,
until finally she cut a thin slice for herself.
One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone.
The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower,
and how she knew her husband would be disappointed.
Everyone commiserated;
until someone asked what her husband said when he found out.
She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!"
*******************************************************************************
117. Jack's Last Will and Testament Jack has died.
His lawyer is standing before the family
and reads out Jack's Last Will and Testament:
"To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house,
50 acres of land, and 1 million dollars.
"To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus and the Jaguar
.
"To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht and $250,000
"And to my brother-in-law Jeff, who always
insisted that health is better than wealth,
I leave my treadmill."
********************************************************************************
118. Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: Sure, buddy.
Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again.
Do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: No, SIR!
********************************************************************************
119. Get Well Quick
A little boy sent a "get well quick" card to his grandfather in the hospital.
Inside the card he wrote:
Dear Grandpa,
Mama tells me that you went to the hospital for some tests.
I hope you get an "A"!
Love, Billy
********************************************************************************
120. A pastor visiting house found the 5 year boy crying.
PR: Son why are you crying?”
Mother: He is a crying baby. He will cry for small things and big things.
Pastor: Sister, we must understand child psychology.
There must be a reason for him to cry
Find it. Solve it. He will be happy.
So sister, let me show how to make a crying baby happy and smiling.”
He turned to the boy and said,
“Son you tell me. I am your pastor and I will help you. Why are you crying?
Boy: I want sugar cam=ne. There is a man selling sugar cane outside.”
Pastor, “See sister, that is all. He wants a sugar cane.
You give it to him and he will be happy.”
PR walked out and found a man selling sugar cane.
Pastor bought sugar cane and gave to the boy and he was beaming with a big smile.
PR to mother – do you see. That is how we make peace in the house.
Then the boy started to cry again.
Mother – see I told you that he will cry all the time for minor and major things.
PR: There must be reason. Let me handle it and show you how to being peace –
how to create peace – how to solve tension and friction.
PR: My son, tell me why are you crying.
Boy: I want this peeled.
PR to mother – do you see – there is a genuine reason –a need.
You solve it and he will be happy.
Pastor peeled it for him. The boy is happy.
Pastor was talking about child psychology to the mother.
Then the boy started to cry again: Mother – the same story to the pastor.
Pastor – the same dialogue to the mother and the same question to the boy.
Boy: I want this to be split into 4 pieces.
Pastor same dialogue to the mother.
He picked up the peeled sugar cane and split into 4 pieces and gave t boy.
The boy is beaming with a wide smile.
Pastor same dialogue to the mother. Then the boy started to cry again.
Mother same dialogue. Pastor same dialogue.
The he asked the boy – son why are you crying?
The boy: I want these four pieces to be made into one.
The neighbors heard some smacking, buy crying,
and then they saw pastor walking away into his car in anger with his hat in his hand.
The mother asking the pastor to come back for his coffee –
but the pastor sped away. Any one knows – pastor psychology?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
121. One October, my wife and I spent a vacation
on Washington's Olympic Peninsula. We were
eager to visit the rain forests near the
coast, but we heard that snow slides had made
some of the roads impassable.
Although apprehensive about the conditions we
might run into, we drove on. Sure enough, we
had gone only a short way up the High Rain
Forest road when we saw a sign: "Ice 10 miles."
Five miles farther on, there was another sign:
"Ice 5 miles." The next one was, "Ice 1/2 mile."
We practically crept that half-mile.
When we came to the last sign it was outside
a small grocery, and it read, "Ice 75 cents."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
122. The boss was very exasperated with his new
secretary. She ignored the telephone when
it rang.
"You must answer the telephone!" he told her
irritably.
"All right," she replied, "but it seems so
silly. Nine times out of ten, it's for you!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
123. Appukuttan walks into a restaurant in Abu Dhabi with a full-grown camel behind him, and as he sits, the waiter comes over and asks for their order.
Appukuttan says, ' I want 4 porottas and 1 egg roast,' and turns to the camel, ‘what do you want?' ' I'll have the same’, says the camel demurely.
A short time later the waiter returns with the order. 'That will be 15.30 dhirams please,' and Appukuttan reaches into his pocket and pulls outexact change for payment.
The next day, Appukuttan and the camel come again and Appukuttan says, ' I want 4 porottas and 1 egg roast,''. ' I'll have the same,'
says the camel demurely. Once again Appukuttan reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waiter. 'today is Thursday so I'll have 5 appams and chicken stew,’saysAppukuttan. 'same for me,' says the camel demurely.
A short time later the waiter comes with the order and says, 'That will be 12.62 dirhams.' Once again Appukuttan pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waiter can't hold back his curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, saar. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?'
'Well,' says Appukuttan, 'several years ago I was cleaning the 'attic’ and I found an old 'lamp’. When I rubbed it a Yakshi appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'Great!’ says the waiter. 'Most people would wish for a million rupees or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'
'That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, a Benz car or a Rolls Royce , the exact money is always there' says Appukuttan.
The waiter asks, 'One other thing, sir, why are you always accompanied by this camel?''.
Appukuttan sighs and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall female with long legs, full lips, large eyes with long eyelashes who will go with me everywhere and agrees with everything I say........'
There is always a catch when you get your wishes fulfilled by a Yakshi!!
(You can change Yakshi into a demonic spirit or Gene)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
124....After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied, 'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
125. While on leave, my Marine buddy and I met two
nursing students from Southern California. After
chatting them up awhile, the conversation turned
to what we did in the service.
When we told them we were in the infantry, the
girls seemed very impressed, giving us big smiles
as they told us how sweet that was.
Since infantry and sweet are seldom used in the
same sentence, I was a little confused. Until,
that is, one of the girls said, “We admire any
man who works with infants.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
126. An American Red Indian was found lying on the ground by a cow boy on a horse. Cowboy: What do you hear?
Indian: A caravan of 2 horses – one horse black and the other read, man and woman. Man in black suit with a hat. Woman in white dress and pink hat. 500 yards away.
Cowboy: My, my, my… you could know all these facts by hearing the sound from the ground.
Indian: the caravan ran over me few minutes back
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
127. Cool message by a wife
Dear Mother-in-law, "Don't Teach me how 2 handle my children, I'm living with one of yours & he needs a lot of improvement"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
128. Sweet demand by kid
A kid was beaten by his mom. Dad came n asked - what happen son?
Kid said-I can’t adjust with your wife anymore, I want my own
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
129. Lion bounced on wife
In an African Safari, A LION suddenly bounced on Santa's wife.
WIFE: Shoot him! Shoot him!
SANTA: Yes, Yes. I'm changing d battery of my camera..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
130. Throwing knives on wife's picture
Husband was throwing knives on wife’s picture. All were missing the target!
Suddenly he received call from her "Hi, what r u doing?"
His honest reply, "MISSING U"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
131. I will think about it
When a married man says "I'll think about it",
What he really means that, He doesn't know his wife's opinion yet..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
132. Habbit of talking in sleep
A Lady to Doctor:
My husband has habit of talking in sleep! what shud i give him to cure?
Dr: Give him an Opportunity to speak wen hez awake
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
133. Head & Neck of the family
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It is said that Husband is the head of the family,
but remember that wife is the Neck of the family &
the Neck can turn the Head exactly the way she wants.
Wife: Do you want dinner?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wife: Do you want dinner?
Husband: Sure, what are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
134. What is the Difference between Mother & Wife?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What is the Difference between Mother & Wife?
A - One Woman Brings U into this world crying...
& the other ensures U Continue to do so.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
135. To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman.
Interviewer: "What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
136. To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman.
Interviewer: "What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
137. I look at your picture and the problem disappears
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Darling: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible,
I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Darling: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself,
"What other problem can there be greater than this one?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
138. Anew business was opening, and one of the owner’s friends sent flowers for the occasion.
But when the owner read the card with the flowers, it said.“Rest in Peace”
The owner was little upset and called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist about the obvious mistake,
the florist said, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake,
but rater than getting angry, you should imagine this:
Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today,
and they have flowers with a note saying, “Congratulations on you new location.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
139. It was a stormy night.
A guy was driving in some mountains and his car broke down.
He stopped it by a tree and walked down the highway looking for help.
A headlight started to approach him from behind.
He turned back and noticed a car coming forth very slowly.
He walked up to it, opened the door, and sat on the passenger's seat.
Then he suddenly notices that there was no driver, but the car was moving!
Before the guy could decide what to do,
a sharp turn appeared a few meters before the car and
it seemed that the car was going to go off the cliff.
The guy trembled in fright,
but a pale hand came in from the open window and turned the steering wheel!
When the car finished turning around the curve, the hand withdrew.
Every time there was a turn,
the same hand would come in and guide the wheels of the car to safety.
The guy could not believe all this.
As soon as he saw the lights of some rest stop by the road he jumped off the car
and ran into a bar, pale, wet, trembling,
and telling everybody that he had a most creepy, supernatural experience.
Then two young men dripping in mud came into the bar.
One saw the guy and said,
"Hey, that's the stupid fellow that got in our car while were pushing."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
140. A man went to a movie theater for the first time in his life.
A tiger came on the screen and this man ran out of the theatre
but the security man at the gate stopped him and asked the reason.
He said, “Can’t you see the tiger.
Security man, “But this is a movie.”
The man, “I know that, but does that tiger know that this is a movie?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
141. Three lunatics approach their Asylum doctor with a request for a weekend pass to the local city. "That's impossible says the doctor. You're all nuts. You'll get lost and never come back.
" But, the lunatics wouldn't relent until finally, exasperated, the doctor says "OK! If you can answer a simple question I'll sign the pass." He turns to the first lunatic and says "What's three times three?" The lunatic starts counting on his fingers "3, 7, 19, 38?. Is it 128?" The doctor shakes his head and turns to the next lunatic: "What's three times three?" The lunatic immediately shouts "WEDNESDAY!" The doctor, beginning to get disgusted turns to the last lunatic: What's three times three?" The lunatic thinks for a moment and then asks for a pencil and a piece of paper. That provided, she writes for some time furiously, and finally looks up and says "Nine." The doctor is amazed, but true to his word he begins filling out the pass. As he's writing he says "This is incredible, you've always been thoroughly insane. How'd you do it?" The lunatic responds, "Oh, it was easy I divided 128 by Wednesday!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
142. Grandma Jones from the valley had never experienced a sick day in her life, so she didn't take it kindly when a bad case of the mulligrubs sent her to the hospital for observation. By the time a pair of husky interns got Grandma tucked into bed, she had managed to complain about everything: the temperature, the lights, the skimpy gown, the food and the mattress, especially, the mattress.
Suddenly, Grandma spotted a small plastic item with a button, attached to a cord. "What's that?" she demanded.
"If you need anything in the middle of the night, Grandma," said one of the interns, "just press that button."
"What does it do, ring a bell?" she asked.
"No, it turns on a light in the hall for the nurse on duty," the intern replied.
"A light in the hall?" responded Grandma. "Look, I'm the sick one around here. If the night nurse needs a light on in the hall, she can get up and switch it on herself."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
143. When General Douglas MacArthur retired from the military in 1951, he stated famously,
"Old soldiers never die, they just fade away.
" But five-star generals are not the only ones who never die:
~ Golfers never die, they just lose their drive.
~ Lumberjacks never die, they just pine away.
~ Accountants don't die, they just lose their balance.
~ Bank managers don't die, they just lose interest.
~ Vehicle mechanics? They re-tire every day.
~ Beekeepers never retire, they just buzz off.
~ Musicians never retire, they just decompose.
~ Watchmakers never retire, they just wind down.
~ Old librarians never die, they just check out, become overdue, and lose their circulation.
~ Old mimes never die, they're just never heard from again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
144. A young woman woke up one morning and told her husband,
"I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day.
What do you think it means?"
"You'll know this evening when I return from office," he said.
That evening the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it, only to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
145. Two Musicians’ in a major symphonic orchestra were discussing
who they thought the LEAST talented musician in the band was.
One of them said; that’s easy. See that guy standing in the back?
Well, we just put two sticks in his hands and we call him a Drummer.
The other responded; well, if we take one stick away, we call him a Conductor!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
146. An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.
So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando ,
thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs
when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall
with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.
The American, being intrigued,
asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta . There, at a very large cathedral,
he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone
he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000
he could talk to God.
' O.K., thank you,' said the American .
He then travelled all across America , Europe, England , Japan , New Zealand .
In every church he saw the same looking golden telephone
with the same '$US10,000 per call' sign under it.
The American decided to travel to India to see if Indians had the same phone.
He arrived in Kerala in India and again, in the first church he entered,
there was the same looking golden telephone,
but this time the sign under it read 'one rupee per call.'
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
'Father, I've travelled all over the world
and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches.
I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them price was $10,000 per call.
Why is it so cheap here?'
The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Kerala now,
son - "This is God’s own country " so it's a local call'.
KEEP SMILING if you are from Kerala.
Or change the wordings and make it a joke on your state. Then smile.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
147. Hiccups Cure
A man goes into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist
if he can give him something for the hiccups. The
pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's
face.
"What did you do that for?" the man asks.
"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"
The man says, "No, but my wife out in the car still
does!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
148. A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him Rs. 10 and that
Continues for a year. Then suddenly the daily donation changes to Rs. 7.50.
"Well," the beggar thinks, "it's still better
than nothing.
A year passes in this way until the man's daily donation
suddenly becomes Rs. 5.
"What's going on now?" the beggar asks his donor.
"First you give me Rs.
10 every day, then Rs. 7,50 and now only Rs. 5. What's the
problem?"
"Well," the man says, "last year my eldest
son went to university.
It's very expensive, so I had to cut costs. This year my eldest
daughter also
went to university, so I had to cut my expenses even
further."
"And how many children do you have?" the beggar
asks.
"Four," the man replies."Well," says the beggar, "I hope you don't plan to educate them all at my expense." ?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
149. An old Wild West fort is about to be attacked.
The wily old General sends for his trusty Indian Scout.
"You must use all your years of skill in trying to
estimate the sort of army we are up against here."
The trusty Indian Scout laid down and put his ear
to the ground... "Large war party," he says, "maybe
three hundred braves, four chiefs, two on black
stallions, two on white stallions. All have war
paint...many, many guns. Medicine man also with
them."
"Good grief!" exclaims the General, "you can tell
all of that just by listening to the ground???"
"No, General," replied the Scout, "I can see under
the gate."
(The American Red Indians had the ability to listen on the ground and tell about the army or animals nearby from the sound. Read another Indian joke tomorrow)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
birthday. “How are you going to celebrate?”
she asked.
said happily.
said.
washing the floors and making up their beds.”
it?” Mom suggested.
“They're in their 80s!”
151. A father of five young
children won a toy at a raffle.
Back home, he called his kids together to let them determine
which one should have the present.
"Who is the most obedient?" he asked.
"Who never talks back to Mother? Who does everything she says?"
Five small voices answered in unison: "You, Daddy!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
152. Our local paper runs a popular column called
"10 Questions" that spotlights people who live in our community.
In addition to the usual inquiries about occupation and age,
people are asked questions that give a snapshot of their personalities.
Recently one woman was asked,
"What's the strangest thing you ever bought?
She answered, "Dog toothpaste."
Next question: "What is the most common thing people say to you?"
Her answer: "Where did you get such white teeth?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
153. The new librarian decided that instead of checking out
children's books by writing the names of borrowers on
the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters
sign their own names. She would then tell them they
were signing a "contract" for returning the books on time.
Her first customer was a 2nd grader, who looked surprised
to see a new librarian. He brought four books to the desk
and shoved them across to the librarian, giving her his
name as was the custom.
The new librarian pushed the books back, smiled, and told
him to sign them out. The boy carefully printed his name
on each book card and then handed them to her with a look of utter disgust.
Before the new librarian could even start her speech he said scornfully,
"At least that other librarian we had could write."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
154. Your husband needs rest
Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace,
so here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you.!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
155. Dream of receiving jewellery & cloths
Wife: yesterday-night I saw a dream that u were sending me jewellery and clothes!
Husband: yeah, I saw your dad paying the bill!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
156. What if you don't see me for 2 days?
A man came home late at night after a party.
His wife yelled:
"how would you feel if you don't see me for two days?"
The man couldn’t believe his luck: 'that would be great'!
Monday passed and he didn’t see her......
Tuesday and Wednesday passed too.....
On Thursday his swelling became better
And now he could see her from the corner of one eye.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
157. Message of the year
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Message of the year:-
Women live a better, longer & peaceful life..!!
Why? Very simple...
A woman does not have a wife..!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
158. Wife: honey what r u looking 4?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wife: honey, what r u looking 4?
Husband: nothing
Wife: why have u been reading our marriage certificate 4 an hour?
Husband: i was just looking 4 the expiry date
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
159. A woman's husband died. He had $20,000 to his name.
Back home, he called his kids together to let them determine
which one should have the present.
"Who is the most obedient?" he asked.
"Who never talks back to Mother? Who does everything she says?"
Five small voices answered in unison: "You, Daddy!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
152. Our local paper runs a popular column called
"10 Questions" that spotlights people who live in our community.
In addition to the usual inquiries about occupation and age,
people are asked questions that give a snapshot of their personalities.
Recently one woman was asked,
"What's the strangest thing you ever bought?
She answered, "Dog toothpaste."
Next question: "What is the most common thing people say to you?"
Her answer: "Where did you get such white teeth?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
153. The new librarian decided that instead of checking out
children's books by writing the names of borrowers on
the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters
sign their own names. She would then tell them they
were signing a "contract" for returning the books on time.
Her first customer was a 2nd grader, who looked surprised
to see a new librarian. He brought four books to the desk
and shoved them across to the librarian, giving her his
name as was the custom.
The new librarian pushed the books back, smiled, and told
him to sign them out. The boy carefully printed his name
on each book card and then handed them to her with a look of utter disgust.
Before the new librarian could even start her speech he said scornfully,
"At least that other librarian we had could write."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
154. Your husband needs rest
Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace,
so here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you.!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
155. Dream of receiving jewellery & cloths
Wife: yesterday-night I saw a dream that u were sending me jewellery and clothes!
Husband: yeah, I saw your dad paying the bill!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
156. What if you don't see me for 2 days?
A man came home late at night after a party.
His wife yelled:
"how would you feel if you don't see me for two days?"
The man couldn’t believe his luck: 'that would be great'!
Monday passed and he didn’t see her......
Tuesday and Wednesday passed too.....
On Thursday his swelling became better
And now he could see her from the corner of one eye.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
157. Message of the year
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Message of the year:-
Women live a better, longer & peaceful life..!!
Why? Very simple...
A woman does not have a wife..!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
158. Wife: honey what r u looking 4?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wife: honey, what r u looking 4?
Husband: nothing
Wife: why have u been reading our marriage certificate 4 an hour?
Husband: i was just looking 4 the expiry date
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
159. A woman's husband died. He had $20,000 to his name.
After paying all the funeral expenses, she told her closest friend
that there was no money left.
that there was no money left.
The friend asked, "How can that be? You told me he had $20,000 a few
days before he died. How could you be broke?"
days before he died. How could you be broke?"
The widow replied, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of course,
I had to make the obligatory donation to the church, pay the organist and all.
That was $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake,
the food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone."
The friend asked, "$12,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big was it?"
The widow replied, "Three carats."
( If I will indianise it I have to make it “a heavy gold chain.”)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
160. Wife: “There’s trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.”
Husband: “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous.”
Wife: “I tell you the car has water in the carburetor.”
Husband: “You don’t even know what a carburetor is. Where’s the car?”
Wife: “In the swimming pool.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
161. After drinking, Men talk unnecessarily, Become emotional,
Drive badly, Stop thinking, Fight for nothing
Women can do all these without drinking!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
162. A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.
Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that
Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that
she is no longer pregnant.Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl.
The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herse...lf, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!"
The woman thinks to herse...lf, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!"
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name!
"Denise," the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name!
Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!"
Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, DeNephew.
The doctor replies, DeNephew.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
163. One of our kindergarten students decided to see
what would happen if he poked a pencil into his ear,
and sure enough, the eraser end popped off and lodged in his ear.
During the lengthy removal process,
I was chatting with him to keep him still and asked,
"Didn't your mother ever tell you to never put
anything smaller than your elbow in your ear?"
"Nope!" he replied.
"My mom always says that with me,
what goes in one ear always comes out the other!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
164. Joe was a single guy living at home
with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune
when his sick father died,
he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment seminar he spotted
the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her beauty took his breath away.
“I may look like just an ordinary man,
” he said to her, “but in just a few years,
my father will pass, and I’ll inherit his large fortune.”
Impress, the woman took his business card and three months later,
she became Joe’s stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
165. Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation
when one of the men asked the other,
” Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied.
"They taught us all the latest psychological techniques:
visualization, association, etc. It was great."
"That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?
" Fred went blank. He thought and thought,
but couldn't remember.
Then a smile broke across his face and he asked,
"What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife,
"Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
166. A woman was at work when she received a phone call
that her small daughter was very sick with a fever.
She left work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication.
She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car.
She didn't know what to do,
so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened.
The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse.
She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."
The woman looked around and found an old rusty
coat hanger that had been left on the ground,
but said to herself, "I don't know how to use this."
She bowed her head and asked God to send her help.
Within five minutes an old,
beat-up motorcycle pulled up with a bearded man
who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.
The woman thought, "This is what You sent to help me?
" But she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.
The man got off of his bike and asked if he could help.
She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick.
I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car.
I must get home to her, please,
can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car,
and in less than a minute the car was opened.
She hugged the man and through her tears she said,
"Thank you SO much! You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man.
I just got out of prison yesterday - for car theft."
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud,
"Oh, thank you God! You even sent me a professional!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
167. A widower who never paid any attention to his wife
while she was alive now found himself missing her desperately.
He went to a psychic to see if he could contact his late wife.
The psychic went into a trance.
A strange breeze wafted through the darkened room,
and suddenly, the man heard the unmistakable voice of his dearly departed wife.
"Honey!" he cried. "Is that you?"
"Yes, my husband." "Are you happy?" "Yes, my husband."
"Happier than you were with me?"
"Yes, my husband." "Then Heaven must be an amazing place!"
"I'm not in Heaven, dear
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Computer Jokes
168. Three men are in a hot-air balloon.
Soon, they find themselves lost in a canyon somewhere.
One of the three men says, "I have an idea.
We can call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry
our voices far enough for someone to hear us."
So he leans over the basket and yells out, "Helllloooooo!
Where are we?" (They hear the echo several times).
15 minutes later, the men in the balloon hear an echoing voice:
"Helllloooooo! You're lost!!"
One of the men says, "That must be a Microsoft service tech!"
Puzzled, one of the other men asks, "Why do you say that?"
The man replies: "For three reasons:
(1) he took a long time to answer,
(2) he was absolutely correct, and
(3) his answer was absolutely useless."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
169. A young child walked up to her mother and stared at her hair.
As mother scrubbed on the dishes,
the girl cleared her throat and sweetly asked;
"Why do you have some grey strands in your hair?"
The mother paused and looked at her daughter.
"Every time you disobey, I get one strand of grey hair.
If you want me to stay pretty, you better obey."
The mother quickly returned to her task of washing dishes.
The little girl stood there thinking. She cleared her throat again.
"Mother?" She sweetly asked again.
"Yes?" Her Mother replied. "Why is Grandma's hair all grey?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
170. This old man was feared by all his neighbors
because they believe he practiced black magic
and was responsible for missing cats and dogs
and strange sounds at all hours.
Every time he had a confrontation with his wife,
screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night
along with the same statement.
“When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back
and haunt you for the rest of your life!
” Well he died abruptly under strange circumstances
and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial,
the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party
as if there was no tomorrow.
The cheerfulness of her actions was becoming extreme
while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions:
are you not afraid? Worried? Concerned?
That this man who practiced black magic and stated
when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave
to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?
The wife put down her drink and said,
“Let the jerk dig. I had him buried upside down.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
171. A middle-aged man wasn't feeling well, so he went to
the doctor for a check-up. After a thorough examination,
the doctor said, "Well, based on my examination, the
best
thing for you is to cut out all sweets and fatty foods,
give up alcohol, and stop smoking."
The man said, "Well, to be honest with you, Doc, I
don't
deserve the best. What's the
second best?"
172. Peter was telling a friend that he had just lost his job. “
Why did the foreman fire you?” the friend asked in surprise.
“Oh,” Peter said, “you know how foreman are.
They stand around with their hands in their pockets watching
everybody else work.”
“We all know that,” replied his friend. “But why did he let
you go?”
“Jealousy,” answered Pete. “All the other workers thought I
was the foreman.”
173. Pilot: Control tower, what time is it?
Control tower: What airline is this?
Pilot: What difference does that make?
Control tower: Well if it is British, it is 6:00p.m.; if it
is American, it is 1800 hours; if it is King Fisher or Indian airlines, the big
hand is on the red - 12 and short hand on the just opposite.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
174. After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband,
"You know, I was
a fool when I married you.
" And the husband replied,
"Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't
notice it."
175. Baby-sitting my two granddaughters one evening,
I informed them it
was bedtime.
“Your dad said eight o'clock,” I told them.
The 4½-year-old responded, “You don't have to listen to
him.”
“Why not?” I asked.
“Why not?” I asked.
Because,” she replied, “you're
his mother.”
176. A boy was having a lot of difficulty in French class.
To encourage him, his teacher said,
"You'll know you're really beginning to get it when you start dreaming in French."
To encourage him, his teacher said,
"You'll know you're really beginning to get it when you start dreaming in French."
The boy ran into class all excited one day, saying,
"Teacher, teacher! I had a dream last night and everyone was talking in French!"
"Great!" said the teacher; "what were they saying?"
"I don't know," the boy replied; "I couldn't understand them.
"Teacher, teacher! I had a dream last night and everyone was talking in French!"
"Great!" said the teacher; "what were they saying?"
"I don't know," the boy replied; "I couldn't understand them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
177
177
1.
Another flight attendant's
comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as
Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
2.
After a real crusher of a
landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain
in your seats until Capt.
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching
halt against the gate.
And, once the tire smoke has cleared and
the warning bells are silenced,
we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the
wreckage to the terminal."
3.
Part of
a flight attendant's arrival announcement:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying
with us today.
And, the next time you get the insane urge to
go blasting through the skies
in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US
Airways."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
178. The drill sergeant making his morning announcements
to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated:
"Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news.
First, the good news Private Peters will be setting the pace on our morning run.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
178. The drill sergeant making his morning announcements
to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated:
"Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news.
First, the good news Private Peters will be setting the pace on our morning run.”
With this the platoon was overjoyed,
as Private Peters was overweight and terribly slow.
But then the drill sergeant finished his statement:
"Now for the bad news. Private Peters will be driving a truck."
as Private Peters was overweight and terribly slow.
But then the drill sergeant finished his statement:
"Now for the bad news. Private Peters will be driving a truck."
179. A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost.
He reduced altitude and spotted a man below.
He descended a bit more and shouted,
"Excuse me, can you help me?
I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago,
but I don't know where I am."
The man below replied,
"You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude
and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude
and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said
the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man,
"but how did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist,
"everything you told me is technically correct,
but I have no idea what to make of your information,
and the fact is I am still lost."
"everything you told me is technically correct,
but I have no idea what to make of your information,
and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below responded, "You must be
a manager."
"I am," replied the balloonist,
"how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where
you are
or where you are going.
You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep,
and you expect me to solve your problem.
The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met,
but now, somehow, it's my fault."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
or where you are going.
You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep,
and you expect me to solve your problem.
The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met,
but now, somehow, it's my fault."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
180. A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons,
Kevin, 5, Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'"
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
"Ryan, you be Jesus!"
Kevin, 5, Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'"
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
"Ryan, you be Jesus!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
181. Guy: Is you dad still in jail?
Girl: For what?
Guy: For stealing all the stars
in the sky and putting them in your eyes!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
182. "Honey," said this husband to his wife,
"I
invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess,
I didn't go
shopping, all the dishes are dirty,
and I don't feel like cooking a fancy
meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then, why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor guy is thinking about getting
married."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
183. A former Marine sergeant took a new job as a school teacher;
but just before the school year started he injured his back.
He was required to
wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.
Fortunately, the cast
fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the
toughest students in the school.
The smart-alecky punks, having already heard
the new teacher was a former Marine,
were leery of him. They decided to see how
tough he really was, before trying any pranks.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom,
the new
teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.
When a strong breeze
made the teacher's tie flap,
he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the
tie to his chest.
He had no trouble with
discipline that year.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
184. A man comes home from
a night of drinking with the boys.
As he falls through the doorway of his house, his wife snaps at him,
“what’s the big idea coming home half drunk?” The man replies,
“I’m sorry, honey. I ran out of money.”
As he falls through the doorway of his house, his wife snaps at him,
“what’s the big idea coming home half drunk?” The man replies,
“I’m sorry, honey. I ran out of money.”
Laughter is indeed
the best medicine
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
185. The old adage has been backed up by a recent study.
185. The old adage has been backed up by a recent study.
Findings show that people with a good sense of humor
and a propensity to
laugh may be less likely to develop heart disease
when compared to
aggressive, antisocial personalities.
So go ahead, laugh and make others laugh.
Employment Form
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My sense of humor always gets me into trouble, but I just can't
help it.
Applying for a job one time, the employment form clearly
said: "Age of Father, if living" and the same
query for my Mother.
I put down the figures 119 and 117 in the spaces provided,
and the interviewer asked if my parents were truly that old.
I replied, "No, but they would be if they were still living."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
186. A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter.
To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate
and came down the long line to where the lawyer was,
and greeted him warmly.
Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands
and guided him up to the front of the line,
and into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention,
but what makes me so special?" St. Peter replied,
"Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients,
and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
If you did not understand this – the lawyer in USA
and some other countries bill their clients for the minutes
they attend to their calls and papers.
Try to make a joke like for a en employee by claiming overtime pay
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
187. Higher Prices
There were two grocers, Smith and Jones, in the same street.
Smith had a sign in his window: "Avocados, 50 cents each." A
woman went in and asked for some.
"Sorry, love," said Smith, "I haven't got any in just now;
come back on Wednesday."
So she went on up the street to Jones. But his avocados were
$2.00 each! But at least he had them in stock.
"That's a bit steep, isn't it? Smith's are only 50 cents
each."
"Yeah," said Jones, "and when I haven't got any in stock,
mine also are only 50 cents a piece!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
187. Higher
Prices
~~~~~~~~~~
There were two grocers, Smith and Jones, in the same street.
Smith had a sign in his window: "Avocados, 50 cents
each." A
woman went in and asked for some.
"Sorry, love," said Smith, "I haven't got any
in just now;
come back on Wednesday."
So she went on up the street to Jones. But his avocados were
$2.00 each! But at least he had them in stock.
"That's a bit steep, isn't it? Smith's are only 50
cents each."
"Yeah," said Jones, "and when I haven't got
any in stock,
mine also are only 50 cents a piece!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
188.
CEO -- Chief
Embezzlement Officer.
CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor
to mistake himself for a financial genius.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The
percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your
assets
equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears
down the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker
for $240 per share.
WINDOWS -- What you
jump out of when you're the sucker who bought
Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT -- An archaic
word no longer in use
Want to live longer?
Here’s what recent
studies explain:
A Norwegian study show that people who had someone to talk
to during times of distress reported better health.
A study in the Journal Psychosomatic Medicine found that women
who reported feelings of loneliness had an increased risk of heart disease.
A study published in the Journal of Clinical Oncology concluded
that women who felt socially isolated had an increased risk of death after a
breast cancer diagnosis. Researchers suspect this was due to the lack of care typically given by a
person’s friends and relatives.
In a 10-year Australian study, researchers found that having
strong social networks helps protect against mortality, therefore, researchers suggest
that the company you keep; your friends; may lengthen your life.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
189 Penny
Grandpa tells of the time his six-year-old grandson found
a penny and proudly showed it to his grandmother.
"What's so great about finding a penny?" she
asked. "You can't buy anything with it."
"Yes you can," he said. "You can buy a dream
in a wishing well."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
190. A famous art
collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk
from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He
recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks
casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't
for sale.
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around
the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I
wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll
save me from having to get a dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky
saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
191. Scared
Sleepless
Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said,
"I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody
under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top,
under, top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Let me take care of it," said the shrink.
"Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.
Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street.
"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for
ten dollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
192
A young man at this construction site was bragging that
he
could outdo anyone based on his strength.
He
especially made fun of one of the older workman.
After
several minutes, the older worker had enough.
"Why
don't you put your money where you mouth is?
"
he said. "I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something
in
a wheelbarrow over to the other building
that
you won't be able to wheel back."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
193.
Three men wanted to cross a river.
They
had no idea how to cross it,
so
one man knelt down on his knees and prayed
"Lord
give me the power and strength the cross the river.
"
suddenly the man became very strong and swam across the river.
The
next man thought: if it worked for him, it'll work for me.
So
he knelt down and prayed "Lord give the skills and the strength to cross
the river.
"
the man built a canoe and rowed himself across the river.
The
last man thought: if it worked for both of them,
I
know it'll work for me. So he also knelt down and prayed
"Lord
give me the wisdom and knowledge to cross the river.
"
He turned into a woman and walked across the bridge
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
194.
At a wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest.
The
bride's grandparents took the honors.
The
DJ asked them: "What advice would you give to the newly-married
couple?"
The
grandma said: "The three most important words in a marriage are,
'You're
probably right.'"
Everyone
then looked at the grandpa for his answer.
He, wisely, answered: "She's probably right."
195.
Little Emily was complaining to her mother that her stomach hurt. Her mother
replied,
“That’s
because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it.
"
The next day, the pastor was over at Emily's family's house for lunch.
He mentioned having his head hurt, to which
Emily immediately replied,
"That's because it's empty. Maybe you should try
putting something in it."
196. A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in
Spanish, unlike English,
nouns are designated as either masculine or
feminine
"House"
for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil,"
however, is masculine: "el lapiz."
A student
asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class
into two groups,
male and female, and
asked them to decide for themselves whether
"computer" should be a masculine or a feminine
noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its
recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should
definitely
be of the feminine gender ("la computadora")
because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal
logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other
computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory
for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find
yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.
(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should
be masculine
("el computador") because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them
on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for
themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half
the time, they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had
waited a little longer,
you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
197. Having arrived at the edge of the river,
the fisherman
soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait.
Just then he happened
to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm.
The fisherman
snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm.
Feeling sorry for the little snake with no
lunch, he snatched him up again
and poured a little beer down his throat. Then
he went about his fishing.
An hour or so
later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down,
he saw the same snake with three more
worms in his mouth...
198. One day a genie appeared to a California man and
offered to grant him one wish.
the man said:” I wish you'd build a bridge from here to
Hawaii so I could drive there anytime"
The genie frowned" I don't know. It sounds like quite
an undertaking,” he said. "Just think of the logistics. The supports
required reaching the bottom of the ocean, the concrete, and the steel! Why
don't you pick something else?"
The man thought for a while and then said, "Okay, I
wish for a complete understanding of women- what they are thinking, why they
cry. I wish I knew how to make a woman truly happy".
The genie was silent for a minute, then said "So how
many lanes did you want on that bridge?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some
broke
clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.
Thank you, and
remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than
Southwest Airlines."
2. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and,
in the
event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore
and take
them with you with our compliments."
3. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of
your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly
among
the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or
spouses."
4. And from the pilot during his welcome message:
"Delta airlines
is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the
industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this
flight!"
5. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo,
Texas, on a particularly
windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain
was really having to
fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight
Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain
in your seats with your seat belts fastened
while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the
gate
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
203.Little Johnny was at football practice one day and the coach
said
"Who here thinks they can jump higher than the goal
posts"
Immediately little Johnny said, "Ooh me sir me"
The coach then said, "But Johnny you are the worst in
the team!"
Then Johnny said, "I know, but goalposts can’t
jump!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
204."Do you believe in life after death?" the boss
asked one of his employees.
"Yes, sir," the clerk replied .
"That's good," the boss said.
"After you left early yesterday to go to your
grandmother's funeral,
she stopped in to see you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
205.One day a boy asked his grandpa "grandpa make a frog
sound"
The grandfather asked why?
The boy said, "Grandma says when you croak we are going
to Hawaii”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
206. A small town Doctor was famous in the area for always
catching the largest fish.
One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips he
got a call that a woman at a neighboring farm was giving birth. He rushed to
her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so the Doctor
used his fishing scales.
The baby weighed 22 lbs 10 oz.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
207. A man from the cold Kashmir hills who was just married was
flying to Saudi Arabia for a business trip in June when the mercury was 50
plus. His new bride was to accompany him the next day. When he got there he
E-mailed his wife to let her know he made it there safely. When he sent the
E-mail he miss-typed the address - instead of indialatha1@email.com, he typed
indialatha@email.com. In Darjeeling, the famous hill station, a grieving widow,
whose husband has recently passed away, receives the E-mail. She reads it,
screams, and faints. Hearing her grandmother’s cry, the widow's 18-year-old
granddaughter runs into the living room to see the computer on with a message.
It reads: Dear love, Just got here. Preparing for your arrival tomorrow. Can't
wait to see you. Love, Me.
P.S. Sure is really hot down
here.
208. A Sardarjee used to tease a Malayalee all the time as they
both travelled in the train to work in the sleeper class calling his Madrasee.
The Malayalee was angry but poor short fellow could not help – looking at the
tall broad figure of the Punjabi.
One day as the Malayalee got into the train, the Sardarjee
called him, “Hey Madrasee, come and sit here. Did you eat rice this morning?
Sardarjee continued. You eat rice and look at your body –
short, skinny figure. I eat Chapatti and look at me – tall broad figure.
Madrasee you must eat Chapatti and get muscles.”
Malayalee looked around and saw something and got an idea.
He looked at the Sardarjee and said, “Do you see that china and the handle. If
you can pull than chain and break it, I can say you have strength. Otherwise,
who will know that that you have strength?”
Sardarjee laughed and said – that thin chain. See.” He got
up and pulled that chain – stopping the train. The police arrested him and took
him away. The Malayalee said – “Eat chapathi and get muscles. Eat rice and get
brain.’’
(No intention to reduce the Sardarjee
– remember that a joke is a joke.”)
209. My daughter Dauna, had been teaching her Grade 3 and 4
students how pioneer families lived. They studied pioneer
clothes and manners, as well as how they celebrated
holidays.
Dauna decided to prepare a pioneer dinner for her classes,
with mothers helping to heat and serve the feast.
At the end of the meal, one boy raised his hand.
"Yes, Michael?" Dauna asked.
"Oh, Mrs. Meeks! This was the best dinner I've ever had
in my life! You shouldn't be a teacher; you should be
cooking in our cafeteria!"
210. While waiting in line at the bank, a co-worker developed
a very loud case of hiccups.
By the time he reached the teller's window, the hiccups
seemed to have worsened.
The teller took my
friend's check and proceeded to run a
computer verification of his account
After a minute she looked up from her terminal with a frown
and said that she would be unable to cash his check.
"Why not?" my friend asked incredulously.
"I'm sorry, sir," she replied, "but our
computer indicates
that you do not have sufficient funds to cover this amount.
As a matter of fact," she continued, "our records
show your
account overdrawn in excess of $5000."
"It can't be!" he cried. "You have to be
kidding!
"Yes, I am," she answered with a smile, counting
out his cash.
"But you will notice that
your hiccups are gone."
211. In the front yard of a funeral home, "Drive carefully,
we'll wait."
In a nonsmoking area, "If we see you smoking, we will
assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
On a maternity room door, "Push, Push, Push
On a front door, "Everyone on the premises is a
vegetarian except the dog."
At an optometrist's office, "If you don't see what
you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a taxidermist's window, "We really know our
stuff."
On a butcher's window, "Let me meat your needs."
On a fence, "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
At a car dealership, "The best way to get back on your
feet -- miss a car payment."
Outside a muffler shop, "No appointment necessary.
We'll hear you coming."
On a desk in a reception room, "We shoot every 3rd
salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
In a veterinarian's waiting room, "Be back in 5
minutes. Sit! Stay!"
In a Beauty Shop, "Dye now!"
On the side of a garbage truck, "We've got what it
takes to take what you've got." (Burglars please copy.)
In a restaurant window, "Don't stand there and be
hungry, come in and get fed up."
Inside a bowling alley, "Please be quiet. We need to
hear a pin drop."
In a cafeteria, "Shoes are
required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."
212. A couple is in bed sleeping when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on
the door.
The husband rolls over and looks at the clock, and it's half
past 3 in the morning.” I’m not getting out of bed at this time," he
thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. So he drags himself out
of bed, goes downstairs, opens the door, and there's a man standing there. It
didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give
me a push?" "No, get lost. It's half past three and I was in
bed," says the man as he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tell
his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you.
Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the
kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us
started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife.” He needs our
help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets
out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger
anywhere,
He shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts,
"Where are you?" The drunk replies, "Over here, on the
swing."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
213. This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it
happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before
and they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell this guy that they'll pay
him well if he would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be the
gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo. Well, the guy has his doubts,
but Hey! He needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage.
The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat
it up. This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show,
jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around. During one
acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety
netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there
stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help,
Help!" The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and
hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
214. Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead
ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: “Change your
course 10 degree east.”
The light signals back: “Change yours, 10 degrees west.”
Angry, the captain sends: “I’m a navy captain! Change your
course, sir!”
“I’m a seaman, second class,” comes the reply. “Change your
course, sir.”
Now the captain is furious. “I’m a battleship! I’m not
changing course!”
There is one last reply. “I’m a
lighthouse. Your call.”
215. A man from Kashmir who was just married was flying to
Chennai in the summer month for a business trip. His new bride was to accompany
him the next day. When he got there he E-mailed his wife from the hotel
computer at the reception that was set for the use of guests to let her know he
made it there safely. When he sent the E-mail he miss-typed the address Kumari
instead of Kumari1. In Darjeeling, a grieving widow, whose husband has recently
passed away, receives the E-mail. She reads it, screams, and faints. Hearing
her grandmother’s cry, the widow's 18-year-old granddaughter runs into the
living room to see the computer on with a message. It reads:
Dear love,
Just got here. Preparing for your arrival tomorrow. Can't
wait to see you.
Love,
Me.
P.S. Sure it is very hot down
here.
216. By the time the soldier pulled into the little town, every
hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere", he
pleaded with a proprietor. "Well, I do have a double room with one
occupant, but he is an Air Force guy" admitted the manager, and he might
be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that
people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be
worth it to you.
" No problem." the tired Army guy assured him,
"I'll take it." The next morning the soldier came down to breakfasts
bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.
"Never better", said the soldier. The manager was impressed. "No
problem with the other guy snoring all night long?" "No, I shut him
up in no time", explained the soldier.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the proprietor.
"Well, he was already in
bed, snoring away, when I walked into the room, so I gave him a kiss on the
cheek" explained the soldier. “Then, I whispered in his ear 'Good night
beautiful', and he sat up all night watching me."
217. When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's
circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory
work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner,
Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in
looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.
"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said.
"I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it
for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do
it!" When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap
and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful
rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous
professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation,
digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was
nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a
steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that
I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."
218. Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for
a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him
fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The
elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said,
"Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear
again."
To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my
family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my
will five times!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
219. A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to
tell their adventures on the seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg
leg, hook, and an eye patch. Curious, the seaman asks "So, how did you end
up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "I was swept overboard into a school
of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off".
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the
hook"?
"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were
boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of
the enemy cut my hand clean off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did
you get the eye patch"
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye", replied the
pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the
sailor asked.
"Well..." said the pirate, "That was my first
day with the hook."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
220. The two inventors of the bungee
rope went to Spain to test their invention. They built a 50-foot tower and,
once completed, one of the guys stood on the edge of the platform and dove into
the air with the rope tied to his feet. The other guy, standing up on the
platform, waited until his friend returned up so that he could grab him. The
first time his friend sprung up, he tried to grab him but missed and noticed
that his head was swollen. The next time, he missed again and again there was a
bruise on his head and face. This time, with much concern, he dove forward to
get his partner, pulled him in and asked, "What happened? Is the cord too
long?" His partner replied with his face all bloody, "What is
piñata?"
221. While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight
departing for Ft. Lauderdale
made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground
controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you
going! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You
turned right on Delta! Stop right there.
I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between
'C' and 'D', but get it right!" Continuing
her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever
to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You
can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you
to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got
that, US Air 2771?" "Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent
after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the
irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit
out in Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke
the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you
once?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
222. The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an
unusual event that happened during the past week.
Little Johnny got up to read his. It began, "My daddy
fell in well last week."
"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he
OK?"
"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped
calling for help yesterday."
223. Three old ladies are sitting in a diner,
chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting
really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I
couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down." The
second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on
the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had
just waken up!" The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just
as good as it's always been, knock on wood." She raps the table. With a
startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?!"
224. A young executive was leaving the office late one evening
when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in
his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very
sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night.
Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive.
He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed
the start button.
"Excellent,
excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine.
"I just need one copy."
225. A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced
altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,”
Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon
hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41
degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman. "How did you
know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything
you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of you, and
the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded, "You must be in
management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did
you know?"
"Well," said the
woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have
risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise
which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve
your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in
before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"
226. A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by
the police. "What are those machetes doing in your car?" asks the
cop.
"I juggle them in my act."
"Oh, yeah? Says the doubtful cop. "Let's see you
do it.” The juggler gets out and starts tossing and catching the knives.
Another man driving by slows down to watch.
"Wow" says the
passer-by. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!
227 .I heard recently about a stay-at-home Mom. One evening
she went to a PTA meeting and her husband and her
oldest daughter got together and decided they would
clean up the kitchen for her. They put up all the food,
wiped all the counters, washed all the pots and put
them away, put the dishes in the dishwasher and ran
it. They swept and mopped the floors and then sat down,
and awaited her arrival.
Two hours later she returned from the meeting, took off
her coat, hung it up, walked through the kitchen into the
den, grabbed the remote control, and began watching
television. They followed her over to her chair and stood
by her side. Finally she felt them looking over her shoulder
and looked up at them and said, “What?”
Her husband said, “The kitchen.”
“The kitchen. What?”
“The kitchen. We cleaned up the kitchen. Didn’t you notice?
It’s sparkling clean. We cleaned it for you.”
The woman replied, “Yes, I
noticed. Thankless job, isn’t it?”
228. An Antartian died and went to heaven. When he got to the
pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the
advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective
heavenly soul must answer three questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T"
2. How many seconds are in a year?
3. What is God's first name?
The Antartian thought for a few minutes and answered...
1. The two days of the week that begin with "T"
are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.
3. God has two first names, and they are Andy and
Howard."
Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow,
even though it's not the answer I expected, so your answer is correct.
But how did you get 12 seconds in a year, and why did you
ever think that God's first name was either Andy or Howard?"
The Antartian replied, "Well, January 2nd, February
2nd,March 2nd, etc...."
"OK, I give," said Saint Peter, "but what
about the God's first name stuff?"
The Antartian said, "Well, from the song....Andy walks
with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own..., and the
prayer...Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name...."
Saint Peter let him in without another word.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
229 Shopping one afternoon, I was paged to come to the mall
office. I rushed over and an office clerk said that I
was to call home right away.
Fearing the worst, I found a pay phone. When my teenage
daughter answered, I immediately asked what was wrong.
"Everything's fine, Mom," she said. "But I have a date
in an hour and I want to wear the shoes you have on."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
230. A cowboy visited a saloon where he saw a remarkable
sight. Several cowboys were sitting around a table
playing poker with a small, shaggy dog.
"What a wonderful dog," the cowboy said. "He must
be very intelligent to be able to play poker with
human beings."
"Not really," one of the players said. "Every time
he gets a good hand, he wags his tail."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
231. Two women were discussing marriage, and one said,
"We've been married twenty-five years, and every
night my husband has complained about the food.
Not one night without complaining about the food."
The other woman said, "That's awful. Doesn't it
bother you?"
The first one said, "Why should I object if he
doesn't like his own cooking?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
232 . “What am I supposed to do with this?
” grumbled the motorist as the police clerk handed him
a receipt for his traffic violation.
“Keep it,” the clerk advises.
“When you get four of them, you get a bicycle.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
233. "Well," snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered private.
"I suppose after you get discharged from the Army,
you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and spit on my grave."
"Not me, Serge!" the private replied. "Once I get out of he Army,
I'm never going to stand in line again!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mom broke in, "He sure did.
He looked me right in the eye and said 'You're boss'."
235. My Dad and I were talking while I was visiting last weekend.
I asked him the secret of his long and happy marriage to my Mom.
He said that as soon as they were married he
let her know who was the boss.
At this point my ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
263. I went to my doctor yesterday.
After a long wait in the outer office,
my name was finally called.
When I got into the examining room,
the nurse pointed to the scale and said,
"I need to get your weight today."
I immediately replied, "One hour and 5 minutes."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
285. On a Spring Break trip, a group from our college had gone
to Italy. One day we were standing just inside St. Peter's
Basilica, the second largest church in the world.
The guide explained, "To put it in American terms, this
church is so large that no man on earth, living or historical,
could hit a baseball from one end to the other. Not Mark
McGwire, not Henry Aaron, not even Babe Ruth."
My group stared in wonder for a few quiet moments at the
beautiful marble sculptures, intricate paintings, and glorious
mosaics all around the enormous structure.
Then a small voice in the back said, "You mean they actually
let you hit baseballs in here?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
229 Shopping one afternoon, I was paged to come to the mall
office. I rushed over and an office clerk said that I
was to call home right away.
Fearing the worst, I found a pay phone. When my teenage
daughter answered, I immediately asked what was wrong.
"Everything's fine, Mom," she said. "But I have a date
in an hour and I want to wear the shoes you have on."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
230. A cowboy visited a saloon where he saw a remarkable
sight. Several cowboys were sitting around a table
playing poker with a small, shaggy dog.
"What a wonderful dog," the cowboy said. "He must
be very intelligent to be able to play poker with
human beings."
"Not really," one of the players said. "Every time
he gets a good hand, he wags his tail."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
231. Two women were discussing marriage, and one said,
"We've been married twenty-five years, and every
night my husband has complained about the food.
Not one night without complaining about the food."
The other woman said, "That's awful. Doesn't it
bother you?"
The first one said, "Why should I object if he
doesn't like his own cooking?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
232 . “What am I supposed to do with this?
” grumbled the motorist as the police clerk handed him
a receipt for his traffic violation.
“Keep it,” the clerk advises.
“When you get four of them, you get a bicycle.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
233. "Well," snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered private.
"I suppose after you get discharged from the Army,
you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and spit on my grave."
"Not me, Serge!" the private replied. "Once I get out of he Army,
I'm never going to stand in line again!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
234.. My friend Bob was trying to teach his daughter, Jenny,
how to say grace before meals.
After a few weeks of coaching,
Bob decided Jenny was ready to say grace all by herself.
Jenny started out fine,
Jenny started out fine,
thanking God for her mommy and daddy and brother
and sister and for the rolls and the salad, etc.
She ended with a big, "Thank you, God, for the spaghetti!"
and lifted her head.
The tradition in Bob's house, though,
was to end each prayer with "In Jesus' name, Amen.
" So Bob prompted Jenny, "In …
At first, Jenny seemed confused.
Then she proudly exclaimed, "In tomato sauce. Amen."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mom broke in, "He sure did.
He looked me right in the eye and said 'You're boss'."
235. My Dad and I were talking while I was visiting last weekend.
I asked him the secret of his long and happy marriage to my Mom.
He said that as soon as they were married he
let her know who was the boss.
At this point my ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
236 . A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears
and asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words
"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words
the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
"Oops!"
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
"Oops!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
237. Dangerous Driver
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"
"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
238Letter to His Girlfriend
A young soldier left home to join the army. He told his girlfriend that he would write every day. After about six months, he received a letter from his girlfriend that she was marrying someone else. He wrote home to his family to find out who she married. The family wrote back and told him. It was the mailman.
| |||
Moral of the story: Meeting in person is very powerful – more powerful. Meet your spouse face to face and talk love. Do that with your children.
Witness Jesus Christ person to person too.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
239. Heard in a mental hospital at 2 am:
One shouting: The world will end tomorrow morning at 4 a.m.
Another: Who told you:
First: God told me now.
Third perosn from the other corner: I did not tell him. It must be the devil.
A fourth perosn: Neither I told him. I was sleeping. Dont blame me. It is his own idea. All of you go to sleep. See you tomorrow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
240. Modern Technology
I was visiting my son and daughter-in-lawlast night when I asked if I could borrowa newspaper. 'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.' I can tell you, that fly never knewwhat hit it...........
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
241. A kind-hearted motorist saw a man struggling to change a
tire alongside the highway, and he pulled over to see
whether he could help. The man had a very red face and a
dark smear across it where he'd wiped off sweat with dirty
hands. His tie was undone and his shirt collar was askew,
and it was clear he had also wiped his hands on his
once-white shirt.
Close to him stood an immaculately neat woman who was
speaking in quick, agitated tones.
"Hello, there," said the motorist. "Say, I've changed a lot
of tires ... maybe I can help here."
"You sure can," the man with the flat tire replied wearily.
"My wife is an expert, too. If you will just do all the
arguing with her about how this tire ought to be changed, I
can concentrate on the dirty work and get the job done."
tire alongside the highway, and he pulled over to see
whether he could help. The man had a very red face and a
dark smear across it where he'd wiped off sweat with dirty
hands. His tie was undone and his shirt collar was askew,
and it was clear he had also wiped his hands on his
once-white shirt.
Close to him stood an immaculately neat woman who was
speaking in quick, agitated tones.
"Hello, there," said the motorist. "Say, I've changed a lot
of tires ... maybe I can help here."
"You sure can," the man with the flat tire replied wearily.
"My wife is an expert, too. If you will just do all the
arguing with her about how this tire ought to be changed, I
can concentrate on the dirty work and get the job done."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
242..A man was strolling along the Beaches area in Kerala when
he spotted a bottle floating in the Arabian sea. The bottle drifted
ashore. He picked up the bottle and opened it, and out popped
a Genie.
"Master, you have released me from my bondage in this bottle,
ask any three wishes and I will grant them to you."
The man thought for a moment and said, "I would like the following
three things to happen this year -- The Kerala Marthomite Christians become evangelistic. The Kerala Pentecostal pastors become loving and respecting each other. The Kerala Jacobites say – we believe in the Bible as the authority of the church."
The Genie thought about this for a moment and jumped back into
the bottle.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
243. A couple drove several miles down a country road without saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument,
and neither wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs,
the wife was looking at them with a smile and the husband sarcastically asked, "relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the lady replied, "In-laws."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
their priest and asked him to pray for them.
"I'm going on a sabbatical to Rome," he replied,
"and while I'm there, I'll light a candle for you."
When the priest returned three years later, he went
to the couple's house and found the wife pregnant,
busily attending to two sets of twins. Elated, the
priest asked her where her husband was so that he
could congratulate him.
"He's gone to Rome, to blow that candle out" came
the harried reply.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
248. There is an old story
about a mother who walks in on her six-year-old son
and finds him sobbing. "What's the matter?" she asks.
"I've just figured out how to tie my shoes."
"Well, honey, that's wonderful.
" Being a wise mother,
she recognizes his victory in the struggle of learning a new skill: "
“You're growing up, but why are you crying?"
"Because," he says, "now I'll have to do this every day for the rest of my life."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
249. A pharmacist looks out the front of the store
and sees a woman holding a bottle while jumping up
and down in the parking lot. The pharmacist walks out
to the parking lot and asks the woman, "What's the matter?"
She replies, "I didn't notice until after I took
the medicine that it said, 'Shake Well.'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
250. Kathryn's 5-year-old developed a strong interest
in spelling once she learned to spell STOP. After
that, she tried to figure out her own words. From
the back seat of the car she'd ask, "Mom, what does
FGRPL spell?"
"Nothing," Kathryn said.
Sitting at breakfast she'd suddenly ask, "Mom, what
does DOEB spell?"
"Nothing," Kathryn answered.
This went on for several weeks. Then one afternoon as they sat coloring in her room she asked, "Mom,
what does LMDZ spell?"
Kathryn smiled at her and said, "Nothing, sweetheart."
The 5-year-old carefully set down her crayon, sighed
and said, "Boy, there sure are a lot of ways to spell
Nothing!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
251. It was late afternoon at the crowded Shopping Mall
when the distraught woman dashed to a phone and
called a cab.
She stood there outside until the taxi drove up.
"Where to M'am?" the driver asked.
"Just keep driving around the parking lot," she
said, "I'm afraid I've lost my car again!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
252. Barb's granddaughter was in kindergarten.
There was a boy in her class that wasn't listening to the teacher.
The teacher said to him, "Since you don't want to listen,
you sit at that table by yourself."
After a few minutes, Barb's granddaughter raised
her hand and said, "I don't want to listen either.
Can I sit with him?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
253. It was the end of the school year,
and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.
The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it,
held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers.
"That's right!" the boy said, "But, how did you know?"
"Oh, just a wild guess," she said.
The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter.
The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said,
"I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."
"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.
"Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor storeowner.
The teacher held he package overhead, but it was leaking.
She touched a drop off the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue.
"Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement.
The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage.
"Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement.
The teacher took one more big taste before declaring,
"I give up, what is it?" With great glee, the boy replied,
"It's a puppy!" SURPRISE!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The technician replied, “I've found three so far.”
“Oh, my!” my wife blurted. “Stop looking!”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
255. There were two evil brothers.
They were rich, and used their money to keep their dark ways
from the public eye. They even attended the same church,
and appeared to be perfect Christians.
Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired.
Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception,
but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers.
A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.
All of a sudden, one of the brothers died.
The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before
the funeral and handed him a check for the amount
needed to finish paying for the new building.
"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral,
you must say my brother was a saint.
" The pastor gave his word, and deposited the check.
The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back.
"He was an evil man," he said.
"He cheated on his wife and abused his family.
He was ***, ****, ****, ****"
After going on in this vein for a small time,
he concluded with: "… but, compared to his brother, he was a saint."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
242..A man was strolling along the Beaches area in Kerala when
he spotted a bottle floating in the Arabian sea. The bottle drifted
ashore. He picked up the bottle and opened it, and out popped
a Genie.
"Master, you have released me from my bondage in this bottle,
ask any three wishes and I will grant them to you."
The man thought for a moment and said, "I would like the following
three things to happen this year -- The Kerala Marthomite Christians become evangelistic. The Kerala Pentecostal pastors become loving and respecting each other. The Kerala Jacobites say – we believe in the Bible as the authority of the church."
The Genie thought about this for a moment and jumped back into
the bottle.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
243. A couple drove several miles down a country road without saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument,
and neither wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs,
the wife was looking at them with a smile and the husband sarcastically asked, "relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the lady replied, "In-laws."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
244. A couple, desperate to conceive a child,
went to their priest and asked him to pray for them.
"I'm going on a sabbatical to Rome," he replied,
"and while I'm there, I'll light a candle for you."
When the priest returned three years later,
When the priest returned three years later,
he went to the couple's house and found the wife pregnant,
busily attending to two sets of twins.
Elated, the priest asked her where her husband was
so that he could congratulate him.
"He's gone to Rome, to blow that candle out" came the harried reply.
"He's gone to Rome, to blow that candle out" came the harried reply.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
245. Eye for an Eye
A man walks into a bar has a few drinks and asks what his tab was. The bartender replies that it is twenty dollars plus tip. The guy says, "I'll bet you my tab double or nothing that I can bite my eye." The bartender accepts the bet, and the guy pulls out his glass eye and bites it.
He has a few more drinks and asks for his bill again. The bartender reports that his bill now is thirty dollars plus tip. He bets the bartender he can bite his other eye. The bartender accepts knowing the man can't possibly have two glass eyes. The guy then proceeds by taking out his false teeth and biting his other eye.
He has a few more drinks and asks for his bill again. The bartender reports that his bill now is thirty dollars plus tip. He bets the bartender he can bite his other eye. The bartender accepts knowing the man can't possibly have two glass eyes. The guy then proceeds by taking out his false teeth and biting his other eye.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
246.While talking with my semi-deaf uncle one evening,
I noticed that his "hearing aid" was actually an
earphone from a transistor radio. The wire had been
cut and was sticking out of his shirt.
"How does that help your hearing?" I asked.
"Don't help my hearing none," he replied. "Makes
people talk louder."
I noticed that his "hearing aid" was actually an
earphone from a transistor radio. The wire had been
cut and was sticking out of his shirt.
"How does that help your hearing?" I asked.
"Don't help my hearing none," he replied. "Makes
people talk louder."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
247. A couple, desperate to conceive a child, went to their priest and asked him to pray for them.
"I'm going on a sabbatical to Rome," he replied,
"and while I'm there, I'll light a candle for you."
When the priest returned three years later, he went
to the couple's house and found the wife pregnant,
busily attending to two sets of twins. Elated, the
priest asked her where her husband was so that he
could congratulate him.
"He's gone to Rome, to blow that candle out" came
the harried reply.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
248. There is an old story
about a mother who walks in on her six-year-old son
and finds him sobbing. "What's the matter?" she asks.
"I've just figured out how to tie my shoes."
"Well, honey, that's wonderful.
" Being a wise mother,
she recognizes his victory in the struggle of learning a new skill: "
“You're growing up, but why are you crying?"
"Because," he says, "now I'll have to do this every day for the rest of my life."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
249. A pharmacist looks out the front of the store
and sees a woman holding a bottle while jumping up
and down in the parking lot. The pharmacist walks out
to the parking lot and asks the woman, "What's the matter?"
She replies, "I didn't notice until after I took
the medicine that it said, 'Shake Well.'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
250. Kathryn's 5-year-old developed a strong interest
in spelling once she learned to spell STOP. After
that, she tried to figure out her own words. From
the back seat of the car she'd ask, "Mom, what does
FGRPL spell?"
"Nothing," Kathryn said.
Sitting at breakfast she'd suddenly ask, "Mom, what
does DOEB spell?"
"Nothing," Kathryn answered.
This went on for several weeks. Then one afternoon as they sat coloring in her room she asked, "Mom,
what does LMDZ spell?"
Kathryn smiled at her and said, "Nothing, sweetheart."
The 5-year-old carefully set down her crayon, sighed
and said, "Boy, there sure are a lot of ways to spell
Nothing!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
251. It was late afternoon at the crowded Shopping Mall
when the distraught woman dashed to a phone and
called a cab.
She stood there outside until the taxi drove up.
"Where to M'am?" the driver asked.
"Just keep driving around the parking lot," she
said, "I'm afraid I've lost my car again!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
252. Barb's granddaughter was in kindergarten.
There was a boy in her class that wasn't listening to the teacher.
The teacher said to him, "Since you don't want to listen,
you sit at that table by yourself."
After a few minutes, Barb's granddaughter raised
her hand and said, "I don't want to listen either.
Can I sit with him?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
253. It was the end of the school year,
and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.
The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it,
held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers.
"That's right!" the boy said, "But, how did you know?"
"Oh, just a wild guess," she said.
The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter.
The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said,
"I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."
"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.
"Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor storeowner.
The teacher held he package overhead, but it was leaking.
She touched a drop off the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue.
"Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement.
The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage.
"Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement.
The teacher took one more big taste before declaring,
"I give up, what is it?" With great glee, the boy replied,
"It's a puppy!" SURPRISE!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
253. In a five star hospital in Punjab,
regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.
However, a Sardarjee while working as a student nurse,
found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed
with a suitcase at his feet—who insisted he didn't need
my help to leave the hospital.
Sardarjee said rule is rule. After a chat about rules being rules,
the Sardarjee made the elderly man sit on the wheel chair
and wheeled him to the elevator.
On the way down the Sardarjee asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said.
"She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
254. When my wife was pregnant,
her high hormone levels led the doctor to suspect she might be carrying twins.
During an ultrasound, she nervously watched the technician.
“Well,” she demanded anxiously, “is it twins?”The technician replied, “I've found three so far.”
“Oh, my!” my wife blurted. “Stop looking!”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
255. There were two evil brothers.
They were rich, and used their money to keep their dark ways
from the public eye. They even attended the same church,
and appeared to be perfect Christians.
Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired.
Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception,
but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers.
A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.
All of a sudden, one of the brothers died.
The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before
the funeral and handed him a check for the amount
needed to finish paying for the new building.
"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral,
you must say my brother was a saint.
" The pastor gave his word, and deposited the check.
The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back.
"He was an evil man," he said.
"He cheated on his wife and abused his family.
He was ***, ****, ****, ****"
After going on in this vein for a small time,
he concluded with: "… but, compared to his brother, he was a saint."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
256. A Very Depressed Man
There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for half an hour.
Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him,
takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says,
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says,
"Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink.
I just can't stand seeing a man crying."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life.
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life.
First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office.
My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car,
I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing.
I get a cab to return home and when I leave it,
I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there.
The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there,
I find my wife sleeping with the gardener.
I leave home and come to this bar.
And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life,
you show up and drink my poison."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
257. My wife tells me that our children are referred to as "Digital Natives"
since they will not remember a time in their lives prior to the internet,
iPhones, touch screens, or wifi.
Confirming evidence: Yesterday my 4-year-old daughter
went to throw something away in the trash can and
found it to be toofull.She approached me and said,
"Daddy, you need to delete the trash
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
258. A pilot landed a plane with a rather bumpy landing.
As part of his job he was required to stand by the terminal door
and say goodbye to the passengers as they exited the airplane.
He was afraid that someone might say something
about his rather less than perfect landing,
but everyone left without saying a word except for one passenger,
an elderly lady, she slowly approached the pilot
after most passengers had exited the plane and asked,
"Did we land? Or were we shot down?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
259. Icy Day
“It was terrible”, moaned John upon entering the
classroom a half hour late. “I left with plenty
of time to arrive at school on time, but it was
so slippery that every step I took, I slipped two
steps back.”
“Well,” said the teacher, with a suspicious look
on his face, “how in the world did you get here
at all?”
“Well”, said the quick thinking student, “finally
after twenty minutes I gave up and started heading
home!”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
260. Two guys met in the middle of the desert.
One was carrying a car door, the other an umbrella.
The one with the car door said to the guy with the umbrella,
"Why are you carrying that umbrella around,
it isn't going to rain in the desert?"
To which the guy with the umbrella replies,
"Yeah”, but it keeps me out of the sun! By the way,
why are you carrying around that car door,
you don’t even have a car to go with it
” The guy with the car door says,
"yeah, well at least if I get too hot from the sun
I can just roll down the window!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
261. For Sale By Owner
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 Volumes.
Excellent condition. $500 or best offer.
Reason for sale: No longer required. Son turned
fourteen last week. Now knows everything.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
258. A pilot landed a plane with a rather bumpy landing.
As part of his job he was required to stand by the terminal door
and say goodbye to the passengers as they exited the airplane.
He was afraid that someone might say something
about his rather less than perfect landing,
but everyone left without saying a word except for one passenger,
an elderly lady, she slowly approached the pilot
after most passengers had exited the plane and asked,
"Did we land? Or were we shot down?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
259. Icy Day
“It was terrible”, moaned John upon entering the
classroom a half hour late. “I left with plenty
of time to arrive at school on time, but it was
so slippery that every step I took, I slipped two
steps back.”
“Well,” said the teacher, with a suspicious look
on his face, “how in the world did you get here
at all?”
“Well”, said the quick thinking student, “finally
after twenty minutes I gave up and started heading
home!”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
260. Two guys met in the middle of the desert.
One was carrying a car door, the other an umbrella.
The one with the car door said to the guy with the umbrella,
"Why are you carrying that umbrella around,
it isn't going to rain in the desert?"
To which the guy with the umbrella replies,
"Yeah”, but it keeps me out of the sun! By the way,
why are you carrying around that car door,
you don’t even have a car to go with it
” The guy with the car door says,
"yeah, well at least if I get too hot from the sun
I can just roll down the window!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
261. For Sale By Owner
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 Volumes.
Excellent condition. $500 or best offer.
Reason for sale: No longer required. Son turned
fourteen last week. Now knows everything.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
262. Grandchild: "Oh, I sure am happy to see you,
Gramma! Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he promised!"
Grandmother: "What trick is that, dear?"
Grandchild: "I heard him tell Mommy that he would climb
Grandmother: "What trick is that, dear?"
Grandchild: "I heard him tell Mommy that he would climb
the walls if you came to visit again!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After a long wait in the outer office,
my name was finally called.
When I got into the examining room,
the nurse pointed to the scale and said,
"I need to get your weight today."
I immediately replied, "One hour and 5 minutes."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
264. Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion
and that it would be a woman. He said,
"This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you,
and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you,
and will always be the first to admit
she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.
She will praise you! She will bear your children
and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely
give you love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Shocked, Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?" Of course, the rest is history.........
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
265. A little boy came home from Sunday School and went into his room to change clothes.
When he emerged, he asked his mother, "Is it true that we came from dust?"
When he emerged, he asked his mother, "Is it true that we came from dust?"
His mother replied, "Yes, dear. God made us from dust."
The kid ran back into his room and came out all excited:
The kid ran back into his room and came out all excited:
"Mom, I just looked under my bed,
and there's somebody either coming or going!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
266. Shooting the breeze down at the park in Punjab,
a trio of old timers ran out of tales of their own
heroic exploits and started bragging about their ancestors.
a trio of old timers ran out of tales of their own
heroic exploits and started bragging about their ancestors.
"My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly,
"was the best companion to the King of Patella on his hunting trips."
"Mine," boasted another, "went down with Emporer Akbar
"Mine," boasted another, "went down with Emporer Akbar
at the Battle more than once.
When ever it was a bloody war,
the emperor will call my grandpa to go with him."
"I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three,
"I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three,
"but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be
the most famous man in the world."
"What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know.
"Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old."
"What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know.
"Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
267. Even though he could not tell time, my three-year-old
grandson was wearing a watch when I visited.
Later, when I was putting on my coat to leave,
I asked him what time it was.
He looked at his watch blankly, then brightened.
"It's time for you to go," he answered triumphantly.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
268. What did the digital clock say to the analog clock?
A. Look, No hands!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
267. Even though he could not tell time, my three-year-old
grandson was wearing a watch when I visited.
Later, when I was putting on my coat to leave,
I asked him what time it was.
He looked at his watch blankly, then brightened.
"It's time for you to go," he answered triumphantly.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
268. What did the digital clock say to the analog clock?
A. Look, No hands!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
269. A wide-eyed little girl, attending her first wedding,
did not miss a single detail.
Afterward she asked her mother:
"Did the lady change her mind?
She went up the aisle with one man
and came back with a different one!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
270 "A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the his voice, he answered, "It's Adam's Suit!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
271. A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber.
The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools,
did mysterious plumber-type things for a while,
and handed the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous!
I don't even make that much as a doctor!."
The plumber quietly answered,
"Neither did I when I was a doctor
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
did not miss a single detail.
Afterward she asked her mother:
"Did the lady change her mind?
She went up the aisle with one man
and came back with a different one!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
270 "A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the his voice, he answered, "It's Adam's Suit!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
271. A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber.
The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools,
did mysterious plumber-type things for a while,
and handed the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous!
I don't even make that much as a doctor!."
The plumber quietly answered,
"Neither did I when I was a doctor
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
272 Biblical Bumper Snickers
~ Adam: "You are what you eat."
~ Eve: "At least he doesn't compare me to his mother."
~ Abraham: "I'm goin' not knowin'. "
~ Noah: "Honk if you believe in treading water."
~ Moses: "From a basket case to the promise land."
~ Elizah: "When Jezebel ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."
~ Balaam: "My second donkey talks!"
~ Prodigal Son: "All roads lead to home."
~ At the Sinai desert: "Winding road next 40 years"
~ At the Red Sea: "Caution! Subject to sudden flooding"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
273. Sign on company bulleting board:
“This firm requires no physical-fitness program.
Everyone gets enough exercise jumping to conclusions,
flying of the handle, running down the boss,
flogging dead horses, knifing friend in the back,
dodging responsibility, and pushing their luck.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
274. One day, Uncle Joe got fired from his construction job.
His nephew asked him what happened.
"You know what a foreman is?" Uncle Joe asked.
"The one who stands around and watches the other men work?"
the nephew asked. "What's that got to do with it?"
"Well, he just got jealous of me," Uncle Joe explained.
"Everyone thought I was the foreman."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~ Adam: "You are what you eat."
~ Eve: "At least he doesn't compare me to his mother."
~ Abraham: "I'm goin' not knowin'. "
~ Noah: "Honk if you believe in treading water."
~ Moses: "From a basket case to the promise land."
~ Elizah: "When Jezebel ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."
~ Balaam: "My second donkey talks!"
~ Prodigal Son: "All roads lead to home."
~ At the Sinai desert: "Winding road next 40 years"
~ At the Red Sea: "Caution! Subject to sudden flooding"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
273. Sign on company bulleting board:
“This firm requires no physical-fitness program.
Everyone gets enough exercise jumping to conclusions,
flying of the handle, running down the boss,
flogging dead horses, knifing friend in the back,
dodging responsibility, and pushing their luck.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
274. One day, Uncle Joe got fired from his construction job.
His nephew asked him what happened.
"You know what a foreman is?" Uncle Joe asked.
"The one who stands around and watches the other men work?"
the nephew asked. "What's that got to do with it?"
"Well, he just got jealous of me," Uncle Joe explained.
"Everyone thought I was the foreman."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
275. A husband was having great difficulty getting along with his wife – nothing but arguing and friction – so he decided to consult a marriage counselor. After they had talked for a while, the counselor said, “I suggest that you run five miles each day for a week. Then please call me back.”
A week later the counselor received a call from the husband, “Well,” asked the counselor, “how are things going with you and your wife?
“How should I know?” said the husband. “I’m thirty-five miles away.”
A week later the counselor received a call from the husband, “Well,” asked the counselor, “how are things going with you and your wife?
“How should I know?” said the husband. “I’m thirty-five miles away.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
276. At one point, I asked the class, "How many kids
here want to go to Heaven?" All the kids raised
their hands-- except for the new kid.
"Don't you want to go to Heaven, Dennis?"
"No, ma'am, my Dad said to come right home after
Sunday school!"
here want to go to Heaven?" All the kids raised
their hands-- except for the new kid.
"Don't you want to go to Heaven, Dennis?"
"No, ma'am, my Dad said to come right home after
Sunday school!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
277. Two weeks after my one-year-old's photo shoot, I
returned to the studio to view the pictures on a
color monitor.
The photographer started describing the merits
of each photo, but as he went through the set, he
spoke so quickly that I couldn't get a word in as
he pressed home his sales pitch.
Finally, after we'd seen all 20 poses, he asked
me which ones I was most interested in.
"None," I replied. "This isn't my child."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
278. The professor of a graduate-school class included
a huge amount of material on the midterm exam. As
tension in the room built, people were sighing and
gasping aloud.
The following week the professor tossed the graded
papers on her desk and announced, "Class, after I
left here last week, the Lord spoke to me. He said,
'Thanks, professor. I haven't heard from some of
those people in years!'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
279.A little boy came home with his parents from church one Sunday. He seemed a little depressed, so his mother asked him if something happened in Sunday school class that he would like to talk about. He told his mother "Well, we were singing songs and the teacher made us sing about a poor bear named Gladly that needed glasses and I can't stop thinking about him. She said he was cross-eyed and I feel bad for him.
The mother couldn't understand why the teacher would teach such a song in Sunday school, so she decided to call her. To the woman’s amazement, the teacher said she only taught hymns that morning. Then the teacher began laughing out loud and said to the mother, “I know what Jeffrey’s' talking about! We learned the hymn 'Gladly The Cross I'd Bear'".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~280. Figuring that her four-year-old son Kevin was
listening in the next room, Janet decided to
tell her husband Don the latest Christmas gift
she had bought the boy by spelling out the words
"fire truck".
Don nodded and said, "I think it would be a great
Christmas gift."
From the other side of the wall, they heard Kevin
yell, "I don't want letters for Christmas!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
281. I'm not much of a gift wrapper, especially compared with the women who work at our shop. But I was the only one available the day a customer wanted a gift wrapped for his mother.
"Sorry," I said, handing back a box covered with wrinkled, oddly taped paper. "It's wrapped, but it sure looks like an amateur did it."
"Great," he said happily. "Now my mom will think I did it myself."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
of a big party, Joe called out loud enough for
everyone to hear: "Ready to go, Mother of Six?"
"Any time you are," she replied, "Father of Four."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
returned to the studio to view the pictures on a
color monitor.
The photographer started describing the merits
of each photo, but as he went through the set, he
spoke so quickly that I couldn't get a word in as
he pressed home his sales pitch.
Finally, after we'd seen all 20 poses, he asked
me which ones I was most interested in.
"None," I replied. "This isn't my child."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
278. The professor of a graduate-school class included
a huge amount of material on the midterm exam. As
tension in the room built, people were sighing and
gasping aloud.
The following week the professor tossed the graded
papers on her desk and announced, "Class, after I
left here last week, the Lord spoke to me. He said,
'Thanks, professor. I haven't heard from some of
those people in years!'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
279.A little boy came home with his parents from church one Sunday. He seemed a little depressed, so his mother asked him if something happened in Sunday school class that he would like to talk about. He told his mother "Well, we were singing songs and the teacher made us sing about a poor bear named Gladly that needed glasses and I can't stop thinking about him. She said he was cross-eyed and I feel bad for him.
The mother couldn't understand why the teacher would teach such a song in Sunday school, so she decided to call her. To the woman’s amazement, the teacher said she only taught hymns that morning. Then the teacher began laughing out loud and said to the mother, “I know what Jeffrey’s' talking about! We learned the hymn 'Gladly The Cross I'd Bear'".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~280. Figuring that her four-year-old son Kevin was
listening in the next room, Janet decided to
tell her husband Don the latest Christmas gift
she had bought the boy by spelling out the words
"fire truck".
Don nodded and said, "I think it would be a great
Christmas gift."
From the other side of the wall, they heard Kevin
yell, "I don't want letters for Christmas!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
281. I'm not much of a gift wrapper, especially compared with the women who work at our shop. But I was the only one available the day a customer wanted a gift wrapped for his mother.
"Sorry," I said, handing back a box covered with wrinkled, oddly taped paper. "It's wrapped, but it sure looks like an amateur did it."
"Great," he said happily. "Now my mom will think I did it myself."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
282. Joe was proud of his family of six children. He
frequently referred to his wife as "Mother of Six,"
much to her annoyance.
Finally, she cured him of his habit. At the endfrequently referred to his wife as "Mother of Six,"
much to her annoyance.
of a big party, Joe called out loud enough for
everyone to hear: "Ready to go, Mother of Six?"
"Any time you are," she replied, "Father of Four."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
283. Two barbershops were in red-hot competition.
One put up a sign advertising haircuts for
7-dollars.
His competitor put up one that read, “We
repair 7-dollars hair cuts.”
One put up a sign advertising haircuts for
7-dollars.
His competitor put up one that read, “We
repair 7-dollars hair cuts.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
284. One day, a cowboy rode into a Wild, Wild West town. The people in the town love to play jokes on visitors. After tying his horse to the pole outside a bar, the cowboy went in. "A cup of milk please." he said to the bartender. After drinking, he went out, only to find his horse missing. Knowing that the villagers did it, he went back into the bar and said to everybody," I am going to have another drink and when I finish it, I want to see my horse outside! Or else, I will have to do what I did in Texas - HERE!" The people were very frightened. When he finished his drink, he went outside and saw his horse. The villagers had put it back. Curious, the bartender asked the cowboy,” What did you do in Texas?"
The Cowboy replied," Well, I had to walk home
The Cowboy replied," Well, I had to walk home
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
to Italy. One day we were standing just inside St. Peter's
Basilica, the second largest church in the world.
The guide explained, "To put it in American terms, this
church is so large that no man on earth, living or historical,
could hit a baseball from one end to the other. Not Mark
McGwire, not Henry Aaron, not even Babe Ruth."
My group stared in wonder for a few quiet moments at the
beautiful marble sculptures, intricate paintings, and glorious
mosaics all around the enormous structure.
Then a small voice in the back said, "You mean they actually
let you hit baseballs in here?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
286. There once was an old man who was about to die. He told his wife to put a bag of money upstairs in his study room. "When I die I'll get it on my way up." chuckled the old man.
Well when the old man died the wife went up to the study and found that the bag of money was still there. "I knew I should have put that money in the basement!" said the old woman.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
287. A calorie-conscious woman drove past a bakery and saw some gorgeous Christmas cookies.
She decided to pray about it: "Lord, if you want me to have some of those delicious cookies, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She decided to pray about it: "Lord, if you want me to have some of those delicious cookies, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
288. Shopping
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,"What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.
"That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.
"That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
289. Just as I began my Christmas Eve service, the electricity
in the church failed. The ushers and I found some candles
and placed them around the sanctuary. Then I reentered
the pulpit, shuffled my notes, and muttered, "Now, where
was I?"
A tired voice called out, "Right near the end!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
in the church failed. The ushers and I found some candles
and placed them around the sanctuary. Then I reentered
the pulpit, shuffled my notes, and muttered, "Now, where
was I?"
A tired voice called out, "Right near the end!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
300. A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an
older fellow with a post card in his hand. The old man said,
"Sir, I'm sorry to bother you but could you address this
post card for me? My arthritis is acting up and I can't even
hold a pen."
"Certainly, sir," said the younger man. He wrote out the
address and also agreed to write a short message and sign
the card for the man. Finally, the younger man asked, "Now,
is there anything else I can do for you?"
The old fellow glanced at the card a moment and said, "Yes,
at the end could you just add, 'PS: Please excuse the sloppy
hand-writing?'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
older fellow with a post card in his hand. The old man said,
"Sir, I'm sorry to bother you but could you address this
post card for me? My arthritis is acting up and I can't even
hold a pen."
"Certainly, sir," said the younger man. He wrote out the
address and also agreed to write a short message and sign
the card for the man. Finally, the younger man asked, "Now,
is there anything else I can do for you?"
The old fellow glanced at the card a moment and said, "Yes,
at the end could you just add, 'PS: Please excuse the sloppy
hand-writing?'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
301. During a trip from California to Indiana, it didn't
help that my connecting flight from Denver was delayed
twice because of mechanical problems. Then, after we
were aloft, I noticed the lights began flickering. I
mentioned this to a flight attendant.
"I'll take care of it," she said.
Moments later the lights went out. Clearly she had solved
the problem by turning off all the lights.
A passenger across the aisle who had been watching me
leaned over and said, "Whatever you do, please don't ask
about the engines."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
302. A teenager was sitting in church, and when the collection
plate was passed around, he quickly pulled a dollar bill
from his pocket and dropped it in.
Just then, the person behind him tapped him on his shoulder
and handed him a $20 bill. The boy smiled, placed the $20 in
the plate, and passed it on, admiring the man's generosity.
Then the boy felt another tap from behind and heard a whisper:
"Son," the man said, "that was your $20 bill that had fallen
out of your pocket."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
help that my connecting flight from Denver was delayed
twice because of mechanical problems. Then, after we
were aloft, I noticed the lights began flickering. I
mentioned this to a flight attendant.
"I'll take care of it," she said.
Moments later the lights went out. Clearly she had solved
the problem by turning off all the lights.
A passenger across the aisle who had been watching me
leaned over and said, "Whatever you do, please don't ask
about the engines."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
302. A teenager was sitting in church, and when the collection
plate was passed around, he quickly pulled a dollar bill
from his pocket and dropped it in.
Just then, the person behind him tapped him on his shoulder
and handed him a $20 bill. The boy smiled, placed the $20 in
the plate, and passed it on, admiring the man's generosity.
Then the boy felt another tap from behind and heard a whisper:
"Son," the man said, "that was your $20 bill that had fallen
out of your pocket."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
303. My 19-year-old granddaughter stood watching as her dad, grandfather and great-grandfather loaded tackle boxes, rods and bait to go on a fishing trip. As they got into the car, her grandfather asked with total confidence, "What kind of fish do you want us to bring home for supper?"
"Well, if you're filling orders, I'd like bass," my granddaughter replied. Then she grinned. "And, Grandpa, don't pay over two dollars and twenty-five cents a pound."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
304.
The girl came running in tears to her father.
"Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!"
she cried.
"I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad.
"You told me to put my money in that big bank,
and now that big bank is in trouble."
"What are you talking about? That's one of the
largest banks in the world," he said. "Surely
there must be some mistake."
"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just
returned one of my checks with a note saying,
'Insufficient Funds'."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
305 Charlie took his girl friend to her first football game. They had really good seats, right above their team's dugout. At the end of the game, Charlie asked her if she liked it. "Yeah, it was great," she said. "I mean, with all the tight pants and stuff. I just don't get why all the fuss about a quarter!" Charlie is confused. "At the beginning of the game," she explained, "I saw the two guys flip a quarter. Then the rest of the game, all they said was: Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback! Hello! It's only 25 cents!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
304.
The girl came running in tears to her father.
"Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!"
she cried.
"I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad.
"You told me to put my money in that big bank,
and now that big bank is in trouble."
"What are you talking about? That's one of the
largest banks in the world," he said. "Surely
there must be some mistake."
"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just
returned one of my checks with a note saying,
'Insufficient Funds'."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
305 Charlie took his girl friend to her first football game. They had really good seats, right above their team's dugout. At the end of the game, Charlie asked her if she liked it. "Yeah, it was great," she said. "I mean, with all the tight pants and stuff. I just don't get why all the fuss about a quarter!" Charlie is confused. "At the beginning of the game," she explained, "I saw the two guys flip a quarter. Then the rest of the game, all they said was: Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback! Hello! It's only 25 cents!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
306 . Bob: "So, you say that you won the conversion with your wife yesterday."
Joe: "Yes, she came crawling on her hands and knees."
Bob: "Really? What did she say?"
Joe: "Come out from under the bed, you coward ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Joe: "Yes, she came crawling on her hands and knees."
Bob: "Really? What did she say?"
Joe: "Come out from under the bed, you coward ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
307. One reason the Military Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors. The Army would occupy the building so no one could enter. Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat. The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
308. A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the
kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new
electric train in the living room. She heard the train
stop and her son said, "All of you sons of guns who want
off, get the heck off now, cause this is the last stop!
And all of you sons of guns who are getting on, get your
behinds in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that
kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to
your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When
you come out, you may play with your train, but I want
you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and
resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped
and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who
are disembarking from the train, please remember to take
all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding
with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We
hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the
little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we
ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat.
Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you
will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those
of you who are annoyed about the TWO HOUR delay, please
see the manager in the kitchen. She did it purposely."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
309.
On a Spring Break trip, a group from our college had gone
to Italy. One day we were standing just inside St. Peter's
Basilica, the second largest church in the world.
The guide explained, "To put it in American terms, this
church is so large that no man on earth, living or historical,
could hit a baseball from one end to the other. Not Mark
McGwire, not Henry Aaron, not even Babe Ruth."
My group stared in wonder for a few quiet moments at the
beautiful marble sculptures, intricate paintings, and glorious
mosaics all around the enormous structure.
Then a small voice in the back said, "You mean they actually
let you hit baseballs in here?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
out of the church saying nothing to the preacher. Towards
the end of the line was a thoughtful person who always
commented on the sermons.
"Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love
of God."
The pastor was thrilled. "Nobody has ever said anything like
that about my preaching before. Tell me why."
"Because it endured forever."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new
electric train in the living room. She heard the train
stop and her son said, "All of you sons of guns who want
off, get the heck off now, cause this is the last stop!
And all of you sons of guns who are getting on, get your
behinds in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that
kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to
your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When
you come out, you may play with your train, but I want
you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and
resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped
and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who
are disembarking from the train, please remember to take
all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding
with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We
hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the
little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we
ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat.
Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you
will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those
of you who are annoyed about the TWO HOUR delay, please
see the manager in the kitchen. She did it purposely."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
309.
On a Spring Break trip, a group from our college had gone
to Italy. One day we were standing just inside St. Peter's
Basilica, the second largest church in the world.
The guide explained, "To put it in American terms, this
church is so large that no man on earth, living or historical,
could hit a baseball from one end to the other. Not Mark
McGwire, not Henry Aaron, not even Babe Ruth."
My group stared in wonder for a few quiet moments at the
beautiful marble sculptures, intricate paintings, and glorious
mosaics all around the enormous structure.
Then a small voice in the back said, "You mean they actually
let you hit baseballs in here?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
310.The boy forgot his lines in the Sunday School music and drama presentation. His mother, sitting in the front row tried to prompt him, gesturing and forming the words silently with her lips, but it didn't help. Her son's memory was blank.
Finally she leaned forward and whispered the cue, "I am the light of the world."
The child beamed with acknowledgment and in a loud, clear voice so that everyone in the congregation could hear said, "My Mommy is the light of the world."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
311. After a very long and boring sermon the parishioners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher. Towards
the end of the line was a thoughtful person who always
commented on the sermons.
"Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love
of God."
The pastor was thrilled. "Nobody has ever said anything like
that about my preaching before. Tell me why."
"Because it endured forever."
312. A sardarjee came into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink. Then he started to yell, "Bale, Bale" "Bale Bale!" Then five more Sardarjees came in and started to do the same thing. Then three more Sardarjee came in and one of them had a Barney puzzle with him. The bartender asked one of them, "Why are you yelling 'Bale Bale'?" Then one responded, "We did this puzzle in three hours and it says 2-3 years."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
313. On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought
presents for their teacher.
The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it,
held it up, and said, "I bet it's some flowers!"
"That's right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a
gift. She held it up, shook it, and said, "I bet I know what
it is! It's a box of candy!"
"That's right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The
teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched
a drop with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to
her tongue.
"Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy answered.
"What is it?" she said.
"A puppy!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
313. On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought
presents for their teacher.
The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it,
held it up, and said, "I bet it's some flowers!"
"That's right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a
gift. She held it up, shook it, and said, "I bet I know what
it is! It's a box of candy!"
"That's right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The
teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched
a drop with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to
her tongue.
"Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy answered.
"What is it?" she said.
"A puppy!"
314. Which windshield wiper blade always quits first? That's
right -- the driver's side. This happened to me one day
while driving home in the middle of a blinding storm.
Unable to see, I pulled over and tried to figure out a
quick fix. I found it in a yellow cotton work glove
lying on the floor. I wedged the cloth hand under the
wiper arm. It did a great job keeping my windshield
clear.
Not only that -- you'd be surprised at how many people
waved back.
right -- the driver's side. This happened to me one day
while driving home in the middle of a blinding storm.
Unable to see, I pulled over and tried to figure out a
quick fix. I found it in a yellow cotton work glove
lying on the floor. I wedged the cloth hand under the
wiper arm. It did a great job keeping my windshield
clear.
Not only that -- you'd be surprised at how many people
waved back.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
315. An idiot decided to start a chicken farm, so he bought a hundred chickens to start. A month later, he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died. A month later he was back at the dealers for another hundred chickens for the second lot had also died. "But I think I know where I'm going wrong," said the idiot. "I think I am planting them too deep."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
316. The factory foreman in Delhiinspected the shipment of crystal vases leaving the plant, and approached his new packer a sardarjee. He put his arm around the man’s shoulder and said,
“Well, Sardarjee, I see you did what I asked. Stamped the top of each box, ‘This Side Up, Handle With Care.’”
“Yes sir,” the Sardarjee replied. “And just to make sure, I stamped it on the bottom too.”
being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return.
He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.
'Why don't you people leave me alone?' the deli owner
said. 'I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps
out, the place is only closed three days a year. And
you want to know how I made $80,000?'
'It's not your income that bothers us,' the agent said.
'It's these travel deductions. You listed ten trips to
Israel for you and your wife.'
'Oh, that?' the owner said smiling. 'Well... We also
deliver.'
“Well, Sardarjee, I see you did what I asked. Stamped the top of each box, ‘This Side Up, Handle With Care.’”
“Yes sir,” the Sardarjee replied. “And just to make sure, I stamped it on the bottom too.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
317. Moshe, the owner of a small Kosher New York deli, was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return.
He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.
'Why don't you people leave me alone?' the deli owner
said. 'I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps
out, the place is only closed three days a year. And
you want to know how I made $80,000?'
'It's not your income that bothers us,' the agent said.
'It's these travel deductions. You listed ten trips to
Israel for you and your wife.'
'Oh, that?' the owner said smiling. 'Well... We also
deliver.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
318. A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day,
only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man
carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite because the electricity was cut off this morning."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
319. Catching Fish
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?"
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?"
"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"
"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."
"Okay, but I suggest that you take the salmon."
"But why?"
"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take salmon. She prefers that for supper tonight."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
320. The children I teach have to have a change of clothes for gym class.
But one day during gym, I noticed an nine-year-old girl
wearing aT-shirt I thought I had seen her wearing in an
earlier class. I asked her why she hadn't changed.
Before she could answer, her best friend chimed in
indignantly: "Yes, Janice has changed! That's my T-shirt,
and I'm wearing hers!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
321. Jack has died. His lawyer is standing before the family
and reads out Jack's Last Will and Testament:
"To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 50 acres of
land, and 1 million dollars.
"To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus and the Jaguar.
"To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht and $250,000.
"And to my brother-in-law Jeff, who always insisted that
health is better than wealth, I leave my treadmill."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
322. I was living in the mountains above Denver when my
college buddy, Gary, arrived in his ancient Maserati
sports car. He had just driven it from Ohio, and as
he pulled into my driveway, the car broke down.
Calls to auto-supply houses and garages in search of
replacement parts proved futile. The 1962 model was
simply too rare. Responses ranged from "Mas-a-what?"
to "You've got to be kidding." One guy just laughed.
I was at the end of the listings in the Yellow Pages
when I dialed Victor's Garage. "Vic," I said, "you're
my last hope. Do you carry any parts for a 1962
Maserati?"
There was a long pause. Finally, Victor cleared his
throat. "Yes," he replied. "Oil."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
323. I packed the car and gathered our daughters for
a visit to my sister's house . On my way out the
door, my husband, Ed, who wasn't going, said: "Be
very careful...my whole world is in that car!"
Later, during lunch, I repeated Ed's words to my
sister, and my oldest daughter cracked, "Yeah,
Dad's golf clubs are in the trunk!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
college buddy, Gary, arrived in his ancient Maserati
sports car. He had just driven it from Ohio, and as
he pulled into my driveway, the car broke down.
Calls to auto-supply houses and garages in search of
replacement parts proved futile. The 1962 model was
simply too rare. Responses ranged from "Mas-a-what?"
to "You've got to be kidding." One guy just laughed.
I was at the end of the listings in the Yellow Pages
when I dialed Victor's Garage. "Vic," I said, "you're
my last hope. Do you carry any parts for a 1962
Maserati?"
There was a long pause. Finally, Victor cleared his
throat. "Yes," he replied. "Oil."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
323. I packed the car and gathered our daughters for
a visit to my sister's house . On my way out the
door, my husband, Ed, who wasn't going, said: "Be
very careful...my whole world is in that car!"
Later, during lunch, I repeated Ed's words to my
sister, and my oldest daughter cracked, "Yeah,
Dad's golf clubs are in the trunk!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
324. A tourist in Vienna goes through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827."
Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony, and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.
When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously. "He's decomposing."
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827."
Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony, and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.
When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously. "He's decomposing."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
325. Moshe, the owner of a small Kosher New York deli, was
being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return.
He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.
'Why don't you people leave me alone?' the deli owner
said. 'I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps
out, the place is only closed three days a year. And
you want to know how I made $80,000?'
'It's not your income that bothers us,' the agent said.
'It's these travel deductions. You listed ten trips to
Israel for you and your wife.'
'Oh, that?' the owner said smiling. 'Well... We also
deliver.'
being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return.
He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.
'Why don't you people leave me alone?' the deli owner
said. 'I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps
out, the place is only closed three days a year. And
you want to know how I made $80,000?'
'It's not your income that bothers us,' the agent said.
'It's these travel deductions. You listed ten trips to
Israel for you and your wife.'
'Oh, that?' the owner said smiling. 'Well... We also
deliver.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
326. RULES OF THE AIR FOR PILOTS (read it)
~ Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
~ It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
~ It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
~ A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
~ Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
~ Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
~ Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
~ The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you and a tenth of a second ago.
~ There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.
~ There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
327. A couple celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary.
When they were asked what their secret was to a long lasting marriage they said:
"We take the time to go out to a restaurant two times a week. A candlelight dinner, soft music and a slow walk home. She goes on Tuesdays, and I go on Fridays."
"We take the time to go out to a restaurant two times a week. A candlelight dinner, soft music and a slow walk home. She goes on Tuesdays, and I go on Fridays."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
328. An idiot decided to start a chicken farm, so he bought a hundred chickens to start. A month later, he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died. A month later he was back at the dealers for another hundred chickens for the second lot had also died. "But I think I know where I'm going wrong," said the idiot. "I think I am planting them too deep."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
329. A man wrote a letter to the IRS: “I have been unable to sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income and have enclosed a check for $200.00. If I still can’t sleep, I will send the rest.”
(IRS – Income Tax Dept of USA)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
330. He Said, She Said
He said: "What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?"
She said: "Turn sideways and look in the mirror."
PGV writes: It means that he had been gaining weight at the waist.
A great man once visited us in Punjab. We were having a meal together in our home and we were cleaning the plates by eating all that was left. We told him that since we suffered poverty and hunger, we cannot waste any food. And we did not a fridge. He said, “Lilly, if you will not let the waste go as a waste into the waste bin, the waste will go to your waste.”
Meaning: Eat what you want. Let it go as a waste or give to a beggar. Don’t consume it because it can go into your waist.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
331. "The car won't start," said a wife to her husband. "I think
there's water in the carburetor."
"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't
even know what the carburetor is."
"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I'm sure there's
water in the carburetor."
"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out.
Where's the car?"
"In the swimming pool."
there's water in the carburetor."
"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't
even know what the carburetor is."
"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I'm sure there's
water in the carburetor."
"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out.
Where's the car?"
"In the swimming pool."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
332. A man asked his father-in-law, "Many people praised you for a
successful marriage. Could you please share with me your secret?"
The father-in-law answered in a smile, "Never criticize your wife for
her shortcomings or when she does something wrong. Always bear in mind
that because of her shortcomings and weaknesses, she could not find a
better husband than
you."
We all look forward to being loved and respected. Many people are
afraid of losing face. Generally, when a person makes a mistake, he
would look around to find a scapegoat to point the finger at. This is
the start of a war. We should always remember that when we point one
finger at a person, the other four fingers are pointing at ourselves.
If we forgive the others, others will ignore our mistake too.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
successful marriage. Could you please share with me your secret?"
The father-in-law answered in a smile, "Never criticize your wife for
her shortcomings or when she does something wrong. Always bear in mind
that because of her shortcomings and weaknesses, she could not find a
better husband than
you."
We all look forward to being loved and respected. Many people are
afraid of losing face. Generally, when a person makes a mistake, he
would look around to find a scapegoat to point the finger at. This is
the start of a war. We should always remember that when we point one
finger at a person, the other four fingers are pointing at ourselves.
If we forgive the others, others will ignore our mistake too.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
333. Death asked Life :
Why does everyone love you and hate me.
Life replied :
Because I am a beautiful Lie and you are a painful Truth
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
334. When Ruth's grandson Jordan was 5, he always told everyone
he wanted to be a doctor when he grew up. One day he was
running through the house and into the corner of a chair and
hurt his eye. He cried for a while and kept saying, "Oh no,
oh no, now I can't be a doctor when I grow up."
Ruth assured him he could still be a doctor and Jordan kept
telling her he couldn't.
Finally she asked, "Why can't you be a doctor?"
Holding one hand over his eye, Jordan said, "Because now I
will have to be a pirate!"
he wanted to be a doctor when he grew up. One day he was
running through the house and into the corner of a chair and
hurt his eye. He cried for a while and kept saying, "Oh no,
oh no, now I can't be a doctor when I grow up."
Ruth assured him he could still be a doctor and Jordan kept
telling her he couldn't.
Finally she asked, "Why can't you be a doctor?"
Holding one hand over his eye, Jordan said, "Because now I
will have to be a pirate!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
335. Along with the sheep, cow and donkey, our nativity scene now has a new animal. A plump little teddy bear sits in
the hay paying tribute to Baby Jesus.
Our children will tell you this addition is quite scriptural.
As a beginning reader, Billy was thrilled to be able to read
the Christmas story from the Bible for our family advent
devotions.
Although the verses did not flow from one line to another, we
enjoyed listening to him read.
One night Billy read: "Behold, a virgin shall be with child
and bear..."
"A bear?" my 3-year-old Nancy interrupted.
"We don't have a bear in our manger," 5-year-old Timmy said.
"Here, use mine," offered Nancy, and she plopped her soft
stuffed bear in the middle of the scene.
Then Billy continued to read: "... a son, and they shall call
his name Immanuel."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
336. For the hundredth time a female believer came to her pastor to tell him,
“I’m so scared! My husband says he’s going to kill me if I continue to come to your church.”
“Yes, yes, my child,” replied the pastor, more than a little tired of hearing this over and over.
“I will continue to pray for you, dear sister. Nobody can stop you from coming to our church….Have faith – the Lord will watch over you.”
“Oh yes, he has kept me safe thus far, only…..”
“Only what, my child?” .........
“Well, now he says if I keep coming to your church, he’s going to kill ---YOU!”
“Well, now,” said the pastor,
“There is no harm if you join another church as all churches are temple of God. If you need, I will give a letter for recommendation/ introduction”‘
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
337. A woman walks into a butcher shop and asks the butcher how
much a pound of tenderloin is.
"$12 per pound," replies the butcher.
"Are you sure? That can't be," says the lady.
"Look, madam, it says right here on the card that it's $12
per pound."
"But that seems so high compared to other butchers in the
area."
"Lady, maybe they gave you the price for a poorer cut of
beef."
"No, the butcher across the street said it was $9 per
pound," she says.
"Well, then, why don't you go buy it there?" asks the
butcher.
"Because they are all out."
"Well, when I'm all out, I sell it for $8 per pound,"
retorts the butcher.
much a pound of tenderloin is.
"$12 per pound," replies the butcher.
"Are you sure? That can't be," says the lady.
"Look, madam, it says right here on the card that it's $12
per pound."
"But that seems so high compared to other butchers in the
area."
"Lady, maybe they gave you the price for a poorer cut of
beef."
"No, the butcher across the street said it was $9 per
pound," she says.
"Well, then, why don't you go buy it there?" asks the
butcher.
"Because they are all out."
"Well, when I'm all out, I sell it for $8 per pound,"
retorts the butcher.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered
his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to
the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man
answered.
"Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even
for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the
poor fellows says "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for
taking all of us with you."
The rich man replied "No, I appreciate you: the grass at my
home is about three feet tall!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
339.
As a senior at St. Cloud State University in Minnesota, I
often engage women psychology majors in heated discussions
about male-female relationships. Once, my friend Shelly and I got into a hot debate about whether men or women make the
larger sacrifice of their respective gender characteristics
when they get married. To my surprise, Shelly agreed with me
that men give up far more than women.
"You're right, Steve," she said. "Men generally give up
doing their cleaning, their cooking, their grocery shopping,
their laundry."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
340. A small boy stunned his parents after church one
Sunday when he began to empty his pockets of nickels,
dimes, and quarters.
Finally his mother asked the obvious question: "Where
did you get all that money?"
"At Sunday school," the boy replied nonchalantly. "They
have bowls of it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
342. My cell phone quit as I tried to let my wife know that
I was caught in freeway gridlock and would be late for
our anniversary dinner. I wrote a message on my laptop
asking other motorists to call her, printed it on a
portable inkjet, and taped it to my rear window.
When I finally arrived home, my wife gave me the longest
kiss ever. "I really think you love me," she said. "At
least 70 people called and told me so."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sunday when he began to empty his pockets of nickels,
dimes, and quarters.
Finally his mother asked the obvious question: "Where
did you get all that money?"
"At Sunday school," the boy replied nonchalantly. "They
have bowls of it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
341.My two daughters were having a discussion about family resemblance.
"I look like Mom," said my nine-year-old, "but I have Dad's eyes and Dad's lips."
The six-year-old said, "And I look just like Dad, but I have light hair." Then she turned to me. "Mom," she asked, "what does Dad have to do with us being born anyway?"
Her older sister jumped right in. "Don't be stupid, Christina. Dad is the one who drove Mom to the hospital."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was caught in freeway gridlock and would be late for
our anniversary dinner. I wrote a message on my laptop
asking other motorists to call her, printed it on a
portable inkjet, and taped it to my rear window.
When I finally arrived home, my wife gave me the longest
kiss ever. "I really think you love me," she said. "At
least 70 people called and told me so."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
343. NEWS FLASH: Friday evening. A notorious murderer has just
escaped from Texas State Prison. Police advise members of
the public that they should not approach him at any costs,
but report any sightings to their nearest police station.
NEWS FLASH: Saturday afternoon. The convict who escaped from
Texas State Prison late Friday evening is safely back in
custody after surrendering himself to police early this
morning.
When asked why he gave himself up after his first taste of
freedom for twelve years, the con replied, "When I finally
got home, the first thing my wife asked me was, 'Where have
you been? You escaped eight hours ago.'"
escaped from Texas State Prison. Police advise members of
the public that they should not approach him at any costs,
but report any sightings to their nearest police station.
NEWS FLASH: Saturday afternoon. The convict who escaped from
Texas State Prison late Friday evening is safely back in
custody after surrendering himself to police early this
morning.
When asked why he gave himself up after his first taste of
freedom for twelve years, the con replied, "When I finally
got home, the first thing my wife asked me was, 'Where have
you been? You escaped eight hours ago.'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
344. The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Tommy - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Tommy, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied. The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."
"What two days of the weekstart with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow." He was again surprised that Tommy supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now Tommy, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Tommy looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, Tommy wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Tommy was exultant.
"It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Tommy, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied. The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."
"What two days of the weekstart with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow." He was again surprised that Tommy supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now Tommy, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Tommy looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, Tommy wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Tommy was exultant.
"It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
345. A redneck farmer from back in the hills walked twelve miles, one way, to the general store. "Heya, Wilbur," said Sam, the store owner. "Tell me, are you and Myrtle still making fires up there by rubbing stones and flint together?"
"You betcha, Sam. Ain't no 'tother way. Why?"
"Got something to show you. Something to make fire. It's called a Match."
'Match? Never heard of it."
"Watch this. If you want a fire you just do this," Sam says, taking a match and striking it on his pants." (On those days a match stick was rubbed on the pants.)
"Huh. Well, that's something, but that ain't for me, Sam."
"Well, why not?"
"I can't be walking twelve miles to borrow your pants every time I want a fire."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
346. When my father-in-law decided to move after his retirement,
he invited us to his home to take a few pieces of furniture
he wanted us to have. One item was beautiful but very heavy
-- an antique dining-room set. Our teenage son helped us
wrestle the set into our truck. It took the whole day, but
finally the table, chairs, and china cabinet were sitting in
our dining room.
"Just think," I said as I admired the furniture while my son
sat resting. "This set is 100 years old. And someday, it
will belong to you."
"Oh, no!" he replied with a stricken look on his face. "You
mean I'm going to have to move this thing AGAIN?"
he invited us to his home to take a few pieces of furniture
he wanted us to have. One item was beautiful but very heavy
-- an antique dining-room set. Our teenage son helped us
wrestle the set into our truck. It took the whole day, but
finally the table, chairs, and china cabinet were sitting in
our dining room.
"Just think," I said as I admired the furniture while my son
sat resting. "This set is 100 years old. And someday, it
will belong to you."
"Oh, no!" he replied with a stricken look on his face. "You
mean I'm going to have to move this thing AGAIN?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
347. A joke the women will enjoy.
When Charlotte was pregnant with her
third child, Gilda, her mother, came to help with the two boys, ages four and six.
Gilda, who they called Nana, also cleaned and scrubbed until the whole house
was shining. The smell of her favorite cleaning agents often lingered in the
air. Three weeks after the baby was born, Nana returned to her own home.
Two days later Charlotte found some stains on the kitchen counter, so, while the baby slept, she used bleach to clean them up. Just then her four-year-old walked in and asked, "Where's Nana?!"
"She went home," Charlotte replied. "Don't you remember we took her to the airport?"
Two days later Charlotte found some stains on the kitchen counter, so, while the baby slept, she used bleach to clean them up. Just then her four-year-old walked in and asked, "Where's Nana?!"
"She went home," Charlotte replied. "Don't you remember we took her to the airport?"
"Then why do I smell her
perfume?" he asked.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~348.
The story is told about a pastor who was into telling stories
to the children. He'd bring all the children up, and they'd sit
on the floor, and he'd tell them a story. One day he said,
"Boys and girls, I want to tell you a story about someone
who likes to live in the woods, but sometimes we can
see him in our yards. Anybody have any idea who I am
talking about?"
No takers. He said, "I want to tell you about a creature
that lives in the woods and sometimes in our yards, has a
big bushy tail, likes to eat nuts. Anybody have any idea
what I'm talking about?"
No takers. He said, "I'm talking about a creature that
lives in the woods, sometimes in our yards, big bushy tail,
eats nuts, likes to climb trees, jumps from tree to tree--now,
does anybody know what I'm talking about?"
One kid raised his hand to take him out of his misery.
The pastor said, "Do you know what I'm thinking about?"
The kid said, "Yeah. I know the answer should be Jesus,
but it sounds like a squirrel to me."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
349.
VALENTINE'S GROANERS
Q. What did the valentine card say
to the stamp?
A. Stick with me and we'll go
places!
Q. What do farmers give their wives
on Valentine's Day?
A. Hog and kisses!
Q. Do skunks celebrate Valentine's
Day?
A. Sure, they're very scent-imental!
Q. What did the chocolate syrup say
to the ice cream?
A. "I'm sweet on you!"
Q. What did the paper clip say to
the magnet?
A. "I find you very
attractive."
Q. What did one pickle say to the
other?
A. "You mean a great dill to
me."
Q. What did the bat say to his
girlfriend?
A. "You're fun to hang around
with."
Q. Did you hear about the
nearsighted porcupine?
A. He fell in love with a pin
cushion!
Q. What did one light bulb say to
the other?
A. "I love you a whole
watt!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~350.
lawyer phoned the governor’s mansion shortly after midnight. “I need to talk to the governor, it’s an emergency!” exclaimed the lawyer. After some cajoling, the governor’s assistant agreed to wake him up. “So, what is it that’s so important that it can’t wait until morning?” grumbled the governor. “Judge Pierson just died, and I want to take his place,” beg the attorney. “Well, it’s OK with me if it’s OK with the mortuary,” replied the governor.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
351.
Morning
March
I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan, and one
requirement was a demanding 12-mile march.
We got started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek. An
hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we wondered if the end would
ever come.
"Men," our sergeant yelled, "you're doing a
fine job. We've already covered four miles!"
Revitalized, we picked up the pace.
Revitalized, we picked up the pace.
"And,"
continued Sarge, "we should reach the starting point any minute now."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~352.
The warden, addressing the three instigators of a failed
prison riot, said, "I would like to know two things.
First: Why did you revolt?
Second: How did you get out of your cell?"
One of the three men stepped forward, "Warden, we rebelled
because the food is awful."
"I see. And what did you use to break the bars?" the warden
asked.
Replied the spokesman, "French Toast..." (In India we can say – the Chappathi)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
353.
A preacher and a the president of a
soap manufacturing
company went for a walk together.
The president said, "What good is religion? Look at all the
trouble and misery of the world! Still there, even after
years, thousands of years, of teaching about goodness and
truth and love and peace. Still there, after all the sermons
and teachings. If religion is good and true, why should this
be?"
The preacher said nothing.
They continued walking until he noticed a child playing in
the gutter. Then the preacher said, "Look at that child. You
say that soap makes people clean, but see the dirt on that
youngster. Of what good is soap? With all the soap in the
world, over all these years, the child is still filthy. I
wonder how effective soap is, after all!"
The president of the soap company protested, "But preacher,
soap can't do any good unless it is used!"
"Exactly," replied the preacher. "Exactly."
company went for a walk together.
The president said, "What good is religion? Look at all the
trouble and misery of the world! Still there, even after
years, thousands of years, of teaching about goodness and
truth and love and peace. Still there, after all the sermons
and teachings. If religion is good and true, why should this
be?"
The preacher said nothing.
They continued walking until he noticed a child playing in
the gutter. Then the preacher said, "Look at that child. You
say that soap makes people clean, but see the dirt on that
youngster. Of what good is soap? With all the soap in the
world, over all these years, the child is still filthy. I
wonder how effective soap is, after all!"
The president of the soap company protested, "But preacher,
soap can't do any good unless it is used!"
"Exactly," replied the preacher. "Exactly."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
354.
his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me
up."
He looked around! and couldn't see any one. He thought he
was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a
frog.
The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then,
kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have
ever seen."
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over,
picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast
pocket.
Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear
what I said? I said kiss me and I will become the most
beautiful woman you've ever seen!"
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at
my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
355
Some farmers were standing around shooting the breeze one
day when the topic came around to animals and their
distinguishing traits.
The group agreed that the dog was probably the most loyal
animal and the mule was undoubtedly the most stubborn.
Farmer Jones piped in, "You know, I believe probably the
friendliest animal in all God's creation is the goose."
The others wanted to know how he arrived at such a
conclusion.
"Well," explained Farmer Jones, "I was out standing in my
corn the other day, and a whole flock of 'em came by
overhead. And, do you know, every single one of 'em honked
and waved!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
356
After dating a young lady for some time a young man decides it is time to marry her.
He proceeds with all the necessary plans and finally the day comes.
On the day of the wedding the young man has yet to pay the pastor for performing the ceremony. However the pastor has a plan.
The service proceeds as planned the vows are exchanged etc. Now it is time for the groom to kiss his bride. The pastor sees this as the perfect opportunity to ask to be paid. He pulls the young man aside and asks him. Can you please pay me?
Not wanting to create a seen the young man asked. How much do I owe you?
The pastor thinks quickly and replies, pay me according to your wife's beauty.
The young man discretely pulled out five dollars and gave it to the pastor.
Although annoyed by this, the pastor continues the ceremony and says; you may now kiss the bride. At this point the veil is lifted from the brides face to allow the groom to kiss her. As the groom is about to kiss his new bride the pastor interrupts and promptly hand the groom four dollars and fifty cents.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
357.
Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"
Patton said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Kathleen said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ..... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
358
For months he had been her devoted admirer. Now, at
long last, he had collected up sufficient courage to
ask her the most momentous of all questions:
"There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor,"
he began, "but there comes a time when one longs for the
companionship of another being -- a being who will regard
one as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one's
absolute own; who will be kind and faithful when times
are hard; who will share one's joys and sorrows."
To his delight he saw a sympathetic gleam in her eyes.
Then she nodded in agreement.
Finally, she responded, "I think its a great idea! Can
I help you choose which puppy to buy?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
359
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a Jake had proposed to young Gina and was being interviewed
by his prospective father-in-law.
"Do you think you are earning enough to support a family?"
the older man asked the suitor.
"Yes, sir," replied Jake, "I'm sure I am."
"Think carefully now," said Gina's father. "There are
twelve of us..."tourist
capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of
alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.
Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the
tourist shouted, "are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "Ain't been any for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming toward the
shore. As he got closer to shore he shouted to the guy
again "What did you do to get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The
sharks got 'em all."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
360
General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and
he was visiting his colleague General Marshall,
who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrives
at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall.
They both walk around the place, and McKensie
asks: "So how are your men?"
"Very well trained, Gral. McKenzie."
"I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are
so well trained, you could see they're the bravest
men all over the country." "Well, my men are very
brave, too."
"I'd like to see that."
So Marshall calls private Cooper and says: "Private
Johnson! I want you to stop that tank coming here
with your body!"
"Are you crazy? It'd kill me, you idiot! I'm out of
here!" As private Johnson ran away, Marshall turned
to a bewildered McKenzie and said:
"You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like
that to a general."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
361
A middle-aged man wasn't feeling well, so he went to the
doctor for a check-up. After a thorough examination, the
doctor said, "Well, based on my examination, the best thing
for you is to cut out all sweets and fatty foods, give up
alcohol, and stop smoking."
The man said, "Well, to be honest with you, Doc, I don't
deserve the best. What's the second best?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
362
Reaching the end
of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out
of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The engineer
said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits
package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a
package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company
matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2
years - say, a red Corvette?"
The engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~The engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
363
When the mother
returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box of animal
crackers he had begged for. Then he spread the animal-shaped crackers all over
the kitchen counter.
"What are you doing?" his mom asked. "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained."I'm looking for the seal."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~"What are you doing?" his mom asked. "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained."I'm looking for the seal."
364
A man visiting a
graveyard saw a tombstone that read: “Here lies John Smith, a lawyer and an
honest man.”
“How about that!” he exclaimed. “They’ve got three people buried in one grave.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~“How about that!” he exclaimed. “They’ve got three people buried in one grave.”
A young man
bought an expensive piece of jewelry as a present for his girlfriend. “Don’t
you want her name engraved on it?” asked the clerk. The young man thought for a
moment, and then, ever the realistic, steadfastly replied, “No, just engrave
it: To My One and Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to
me in anger, I can use it again.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~366
A man takes his hamster to the vet, and after a short look at the creature the vet pronounces it dead. Not happy with the vet's diagnosis the man asks for a second opinion. The vet gives a whistle and in strolls a Labrador dog. The dog nudges the hamster around with its nose and sniffs it a couple of times before shaking his head. "There" says the vet,” Your hamster is dead". Still not happy the man asks for a third opinion. The vet opens the back door and in bounds a cat. The cat jumps onto the table and looks the hamster up and down for a few minutes before looking up and shaking it's head. "It's definitely dead sir", says the vet. Convinced, the man enquires how much he owes. "That will be £1000, please". "A £1000 just to tell me my hamster is dead" fumes the man. "Well", says the vet, "There's my diagnosis, the lab report and the cat scan"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
567
A brilliant young boy
was applying for a job with the railways. The interviewer asked him: "Do
you know how to use the equipment?" "Yes", the boy replied.
"Then what would you do if you realized that 2 trains, one from this
station and one from the next were going to crash because they were on the same
track?" The young applicant thought and replied "I'd press the button
to change the points without hesitation." "What if the button was
frozen and wouldn't work?" "I'd run outside and pull the lever to
change the points manually" "And if the lever was broken?"
"I'd get on the phone to the next station and tell them to change the
points," he replied. "And if the phone was broken and needed an
electrician to fix it?" The boy thought about that one. "I'd run into
town and get my uncle" "Is your uncle an electrician?" "No,
but he's never seen a train crash before!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~368
A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"
"Under the wagon."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
369
skydiver is enjoying his free-fall, when he realizes that he has reached the altitude where he must open his parachute, he pulls the ripcord, but nothing happens. “No problem,” he says to himself, “I still have my emergency chute.” So he pulls the ripcord on his emergency parachute, and once again, nothing happens. Now the man begins to panic. “What am I going to do?” He thinks. “I’m a goner.”
Just then, he sees a man flying up from the earth toward him. He can’t figure out where this man is coming from or what he’s doing, but he says to himself, “I hope he can help me. If he can’t, then I’m in real trouble.” When the man gets close enough to him, the skydiver cups his hands and shouts, “Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?”
The man coming up cups his hands and yells back, “No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
370
A male frog goes to a psychic. The psychic tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog becomes excited, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"
"No," says the psychic, "in her biology class."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
371.
A young man just
had his first customer, which turned out to be a BIG BURLY truck driver. The
young man walked up to the table where the truck driver was sitting and asked;
can I take your order sir? The truck driver replied, sure kid I want three flat
tires and two headlights. The young man was very puzzled and said, I beg your
pardon? The truck driver said again, look kid; I want three flat tires and two
headlights. The young man was still puzzled, but replied; yes sir, whatever.
The young man then took the request to his boss who was the head cook. He told
him about the truck driver's order, and that he wanted three flat tires and two
headlights, “I think he's in the wrong place.” The head cook said, I know what
he wants, he wants three flap jacks and two eggs sunny side up; the truck
driver is just trying to be smart, I know him. The cook said to the waiter
here, take this bowl of beans, give it to him and say this. The truck driver
said, Listen kid, I didn't order this; I said I wanted three flat tires and two
headlights. The waiter replied, Well sir, the head cook said while you wait for
your parts, you can gas up!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~372
Peter called his doctor’s office for an appointment. “I’m sorry,” said the receptionist, “we can’t fit you in for at least two weeks.”
“But I could be dead by then!”
“No problem. If your wife lets us know, we’ll cancel the appointment.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jay went to a
psychiatrist. “Doc, he said, “I’ve got trouble.
Every time I get into bed I think there is somebody under it.
I get under the bed; I think there’s somebody on top of it.
Top, under, under top. I’m going crazy!”
“Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink.
“Come to me three times a week and I’ll cure you.”
“How much do you charge?”
“A hundred dollars per visit.”
“I’ll think about it.”
Jay never went back. Some time later he met the doctor on the street.
“Why didn’t you ever come to see me again? Asked the psychiatrist.
“For a hundred buck a visit? A bartender cured me for 10 dollars.”
“Is that so! How?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Every time I get into bed I think there is somebody under it.
I get under the bed; I think there’s somebody on top of it.
Top, under, under top. I’m going crazy!”
“Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink.
“Come to me three times a week and I’ll cure you.”
“How much do you charge?”
“A hundred dollars per visit.”
“I’ll think about it.”
Jay never went back. Some time later he met the doctor on the street.
“Why didn’t you ever come to see me again? Asked the psychiatrist.
“For a hundred buck a visit? A bartender cured me for 10 dollars.”
“Is that so! How?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed.”
374
Recently on a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood bar the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different
vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into. He was
there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove
off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry
night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn, and then
switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed
a little, and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up
his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over
and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer
indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the
Police Station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."
